The Things I Did For Food

Joined Karen for Tex-Mex tonight. I got my usual dish -- veggie fajitas with broccoli, cauliflower, squash and peppers, but what's interesting is that I was craving it all day. Me craving vegetables; did you ever imagine?

During dinner, I showed Karen some of my old student IDs and driver's licencses that I still keep in my wallet and she could hardly believe how skinny I used to be. In her opinion, I was too skinny, even in my college ID, where I weighed about 115 pounds. She said that she liked the one of me from my senior year of college the best -- when I weighed about 140.

It's pretty telling that I can recall my life by my various weights rather than by just my memories. I'd like to change that. I'd like to be able to look at old photos of myself and think, "That's from when I was 40, the year that Jon and I went to Thailand," rather than, "That's from when I was 38 and weighed 220." This reinforces how much prominence my weight and food have had in my life and I'd like well, my LIFE, to be the central focus.

That said, I confided in Karen about some of the inane things I did for food when I was a kid, like steal packages of cookies from the back of the pantry or raid my friends' kitchens. The thing I'm probably the most ashamed of, though, is lying to my grandmother.

My mother's mother was a tiny woman, about 4'5" and sweet as anything. She was so naive and protective and literally used to make me wear my gloves and hat in 70 degree weather. She never had an unking word to say about anyone except when she was watching her soap, GUIDING LIGHT. Then she'd call the show's villainess a "snot nose," which trust me, was pretty racy stuff for my grandmother!

Anyway, when I was in the fifth grade, I went through a dark period where Istole a lot. I swiped earrings from friends, money from my parents and even shoplifted a couple of things from the mall ... and I stole from my grandma.

Toward the end of the year, my friend Lani and another girl in our neighborhood invited me to take a walk with them to this nearby deli. It was only a mile away from my home, but it was on a main road and I knew that my parents wouldn't want me walking all the way there without an adult. Still, I was 11, my parents weren't yet home from work, and dammit, I wanted to go! Unfortunately, I knew that if I asked my grandmother, she'd freak out. I mean, she became nervous when I went on my swing set.

Therefore, Lani helped me come up with a lie and I told my grandma that I was going to the mall with Lani's mom for school supplies. This was ridiculous because school was almost over, but my grandmother bought the story and gave me the OK. She also gave me $10 to buy my things.

With our money in hand, the three of us then made the trek to the deli. There, we gorged on pizza, cake and all sorts of other crap that they sold there. We were practically high from ingesting so much salt and sugar. We knew that our parents wouldn't approve of us sneaking over there, so we made a pact that we'd never tell anyone about our journey. I actually kept my promise for a very long time.

My grandma died when I was 13 and by that time, I wasn't interested in stuffing my face with junk. A couple of years later, I went through my scary skinny period and well, you know most of the rest. But I've always felt badly about tricking such a wonderful, trusting woman ... and for what? Shitty pizza and packaged cookies. Yeah, I was only a kid, but even then, I put food before my family. I suppose I can argue that part of me wanting to get away had to do with me being a pre-teen and wanting to have an adventure, but no, I can assure you that I was just going for the food. I think that for the entire walk over there, I was babbling about everything that I was going to eat.

I eventually 'fessed up about the lie when I was about 15 (I wasn't kidding about keeping the secret for a long time) and Lani sort of laughed at me, saying that she had told her parents years before and they hadn't cared. It still haunts me, though. No, it wasn't THAT bad a thing to do -- I mean, you should hear some of my husband and father's stories about the things they did as kids -- but I still feel dirty. The way I acted was like I was on drugs or something; I lied to a loved one, took her money and then stuffed myself numb with treats. Nice.

I'm a mostly honest person these days, save for a white lie now and then, but I wish my grandmother were alive so I could tell her the truth -- and give her back her $10. Karen says that she's sure that my grandmother forgives me, wherever she is, and she's probably right. My grandma wasn't the type of person to hold a grudge.

I, too, forgive myself for being young and foolish, but I also don't want to forget about it because it's important that I remind myself how destructive binge eating can be. I haven't taken money from anyone else for food, but I have done other shameful things like eat in secret or even take uneaten food out of the trash when no one was looking.

Food isn't something to be ashamed of, though. It's not something to hide or hide from. It's just well, food. But the memories you create from spending time with friends or family are a lot more fleeting. I don't ever want to put food before them again.

TV Review: Huge

There's a new program on ABC Family Channel called Huge, which is a "dramedy" about kids in a camp for overweight teens. Since I'm overweight and was once a counselor at a sleep-away arts and music camp (I taught woodwinds and was in charge of the 7-10-year-old girls), this show seemed like it would be right up my alley. I was right as I really like the program so far.

What I'm enjoying about it is that the teens featured really are overweight -- they're not "Hollywood fat" -- and are portrayed as real, three-dimensional kids, not fat stereotypes. In other words, it's not a camp filled with class clowns stuffing their faces or shy girls who stress eat. Instead, you have your usual group of jocks, bitches, pretty girls, snarky kids ... only they all happen to be chubby to morbidly obese.

The main star of the ensemble is Nikki Blonsky, whom you may recognize as Tracy Turnblad from the movie version of Hairspray. In this show, though, she's anything but sunny. She plays Will, who's surly, troubled and clearly doesn't want to be at the camp ... though you can't help but cheer for her, despite her attitude issues because you know that she has a lot going on beneath the surface. The character is just starting to open up and I'm looking forward to seeing her journey unfold.

In tonight's episode, she had one scene which really hit home for me. After being forced to play basketball -- and finding that she liked it! -- she tried to write a letter to her parents, with encouragement from the camp director. Only Will couldn't make herself send it. In it, she said, paraphrasing, that she knew that her parents wouldn't celebrate her victory, but would pat themselves on the back for knowing that the camp was good for her. She added that she knew that she was a disappointment to them and could see it in their eyes every time they made a comment about her shirt being too tight or gave her a look when she reached for dessert. She recognized that her being fat had let them down on a personal level.

Given my history with my own parents, this scene resonated with me because this is exactly how I've felt in the past -- that my size was more than a health concern for them and that they were disappointed in me for not having self control or being beautiful or taking care of myself, etc.

I think now that I'm getting older that the issues are getting somewhat resolved with my parents, but I liked that the show included a scene like this because I think that many obese kids feel this way. That said, I hope that ABC Family is living up to its name and has an audience of many teens AND parents watching together. If Huge continues to be as good as the first few episodes were, I think it could help viewers realize how complex weight problems are and how fat people are well, people, and not just statistics in the so-called "obesity epidemic."

Family Circus

Much as I'm glad to be somewhat up and about, I have to admit that our Fourth Of July celebration was disappointing. We went to see the movie Letters From Juliet, which was so-so and then we had dinner at a nearby Argentine restaurant, which was very nice. I enjoyed Jon's company, of course, and am grateful that I had someone to celebrate with, but well, the holiday still felt empty to me.

What did I miss specifically? Barbecue. Not the actual food so much -- I mean, we had grilled meats at the restaurant so that counts as barbecue, I guess, but I missed the idea of being at a barbecue or Fourth of July party with friends and family. I missed sitting around with a large group of people, laughing and having fun as we waited for the fireworks display to take off. I missed jumping in the pool on a very hot day or being at the lake or hiking or doing some kind of fun summer-type activity. I'm glad that we did go out and do something, but we see movies and have dinner almost every weekend. I missed that feeling of being part of a group, of being part of a family. Seeing everyone's posts on Facebook about their pool parties and barbecues and hikes and camping and whatnot got me depressed to the point where I burst into tears this morning and couldn't stop. I felt better when a couple of friends complained that they had to work last night and didn't get out at all, but I've still been feeling depressed about it all day and just left out of the loop. I went so far as to send out an invite to my family members for July 4, 2011 so that we could host a party and they could clear their calendars NOW.

Much as I've been down all day, I think it's a positive thing that I'm facing my feelings and writing about them rather than bingeing. That said, I've been trying to imagine what my shrink would say; she'd probably suggest that I try to figure out what it is specifically about the holiday that's made me feel so down.

I think what it comes down to is family, or a lack thereof in my case. These days, I have a decent relationship with my parents, but we've had a lot of shaky times over the past few years. They travel often, so they're out of the country for several months a year. Plus, our family is very small; it's just me and them. I don't even have any cousins or aunts and the one uncle I do have is in a home. Meanwhile, I love my in-laws, but my siblings-in-law haven't turned out to be what I'd hoped for. Neither they nor their spouses is great at keeping in touch and I've given up doing all the work. One used to be a close friend (that's how I met my husband) and it hurts that we're not so close anymore. It's not because she's a bad person; it's just that our lives have taken us in different directions. I'm fortunate in that I'm still good friends with my one-time neighbor whom I've known since we were babies, but much as she's like family, she has her own husband and blood relatives. For most holidays, she understandably spends time with them.

Because of this, I didn't end up with the large, close family I'd anticipated when I got married. The family gathers maybe twice a year -- for Passover and Thanksgiving -- and I always really have a great time because I like having so many people around. It gives me a sense of belonging and identity. Even with Christmas, which we don't celebrate and which I sometimes feel left out of, as well, it's not so bad, because I always meet up with Jewish friends for a movie and Chinese. It's not a family holiday for us, but we spend the time with a different type of family.

I think that's what I felt was missing this Fourth, especially since my mobility is compromised on top of everything. In the past, we've "borrowed" families for the holiday. A couple of years ago, we visited a friend upstate and crashed her family's barbecue. It was so much fun, especially when we all walked over to the nearby fireworks show after dinner. A couple of times, we've also spent the fourth overseas.

I'm lucky because I have a lot of good friends and they've basically become my family. But most of them have DNA families who they spend time with and I realize that I probably put more weight on our relationships than they do. I don't doubt that my friends love me, but I don't know if they feel the need for that surrogate family like I do, if they need me in that same way. It's not fair of me to put such high expectations of them when they have other people and responsibilities in their lives.

What's really ironic in all of this is that I'm not sure I want kids -- which would be the easiest way to get myself a large family. But I'm not sure I have what it takes to be a mother. Having kids is a huge responsibility, which I don't know that I'm prepared to take on.

Right now, my goal is to fill my soul rather than stuff myself with food and I definitely do think this familial identity crisis comes into play for me. Not sure what I can do about it, but I think for starters, I'm going to plan more family outings and encourage us to see each other more. I'm certain that my sisters-in-law won't bite as they don't care much for social get-togethers, but if I nag enough (that's what siblings do, right?), maybe they'll understand and indulge me. And maybe I won't have to be so needy with my friends and will stop feeling like I'm drifting in the wind.