Saturday, September 3, 2011

Equal Footing

I love traveling with Jon, but I often feel as if I'm holding him back. He's very active and has recently lost a lot of weight, so he wants to go, go, go. I, on the other hand, still have mobility issues. I'm a lot more active than I was a few months ago and definitely a year ago, but it's still difficult for me to hike or go boating, or do any of that outdoorsy stuff that he loves. Right now we're on vacation and he really wanted to go hiking or boating today, but it was 85 degrees and about 99 percent humidity outside, so I turned him down. I could tell that he was disappointed.

What's frustrating is that I feel like I'm always a step behind, even during the times when I've been in better shape. When we went to Moab in 2003, I trained for that trip and could do the simple hikes ... but didn't feel up to doing the tougher walks through the rock formations. In 2006/2007, I was in pretty decent shape as I'd lost a lot of weight and was training for that 20-mile walk. Still, when we were in New Zealand, I didn't feel up to climbing a glacier and jumping over crevasse. I did a lot of other things, like hike and walk around some interesting geothermal parks, but I was still disappointed in myself. Jon reminded me that I did accomplish some difficult hikes, but I wished I could do more. I mean, how ften was I going to be in NZ and get a chance to climb a glacier?

Then in 2008, when I began to gain a lot of the weight back, we went to Florida. Jon went swimming with manatees on an eco tour, but I didn't want to squeeze my ass into a wet suit. Instead, I sat on the boat and watched him have a great time. Happily, a bunch of manatees came up to us, but again, I felt disappointed that I wasn't able to participate more.

And now we're away and again, I feel that nagging sense that I'm not doing enough. For the record, Jon never pressures me or makes me feel bad about my limitations, but it's frustrating to me that that they're there. I want to be lean and spry enough that I can hike or climb glaciers or sit in a canoe without having to worry about my joints or my circulation or my blood sugar.

Still, I'm appreciative of the fact that I have been a lot of places and try to concentrate on that instead. Maybe I didn't climb the glacier, but I did hike alongside it on the trail. I did get to see the manatees in their natural environment. I made it up to the top of the Parthenon in Greece, even though it was a very difficult walk for me. I know that a lot of people want to travel and can't, or don't, or won't, so at least I'm *trying* to live my life the way I want.

Today was a little weird because we went to the Poconos Garlic Festival in the morning. I figured that there would be at least some foods I could eat, but everything was crap -- sweet or fried or greasy or drenched in sauce. I was *really* on track: I had a couple of cheese curds, a pickle and little tastes of Jon's garlic funnel cake, garlic cookie and chocolate-dipped garlic. But I stayed away from all the junk. Because I ate so little, my blood sugar ended up dropping to 60. Yikes! I found it rather annoying that my body reacted to me NOT eating the unhealthy foods.

I guess the point of this post is that I'm doing the best I can, and I have to remember that. I might not be up to hiking in hot, humid weather, but I can now walk two miles pretty easily. And I may not be the fittest or most adventurous traveler, but I make a point to try new things. One day my body will catch up with my spirit and then hopefully, Jon will finally have a traveling companion who can keep up with him.

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