Things Are Getting Better

I think it's pretty obvious from my last few posts that I've been depressed lately. I get this way sometimes and definitely think that it's weather-related. No longer having a window at work is adding to it because I barely see daylight. That said, I need to make a point to go outside for a few minutes each day, even if it's just to sit on the bench in front of my office building.

I've been making an effort to get back on plan after having so much food this weekend. So far, I'm doing pretty well. My biggest goal has been to eat more vegetables, so I've been finding ways to sneak them in. Today's lunch was half a mini thin-crust pizza with broccoli, spinach and tomato sauce and then for dinner, I had a half cup of aloo gobi, an Indian dish made with cauliflower, potatoes and tomatoes. I enjoyed both, got in some veggies and have to say that I'm already feeling a little less depressed.

I actually wasn't that hungry when I came home today. My new order of artistic wire arrived so I was eager to get to work on a necklace that I'd had an idea for. It's going to be made completely out of wire and is extremely intricate, so I spent hours making the various components -- and I'm not even halfway finished yet. But I got so involved that I almost forgot to eat! Finally, my stomach growled loudly so I made a point to stop and have some food. Wish I could forget to eat more often -- maybe the jewelry making hobby will be beneficial in more ways than one.

Even though my eating has improved, I know that I need to work on exercise. I was doing so well when I had PT and now I've been slacking off. Scott suggested to me that I plan ahead and say that I'm going to do the activity no matter what, so I'm going to plan to do 20 minutes on the BowFlex tomorrow. I want to start doing back exercises so I can strengthen that and stop having as much pain.

Speaking of which, when Scott and I were talking today, he wondered what my back pain feels like and why I can't just push through it. I'll try to describe it best I can. It's not like workout pain, where you're sore, but you can still make the movement. It kind of feels like someone is grabbing my back and twisting it downward so that all of my weight is on it. The longer I stand, the more it hurts and I end up standing at a weird angle with my stomach jutting out to shift the weight. My knees end up hurting, too, and it eventually reaches a point where I start to go numb from the pain. If I sit down, even for a minute, that helps. Then I'm able to stand or walk for another couple of blocks before I need to sit down again. But if I put weight on my back for too long, it's uncomfortable. I don't know if a brace would help, but I do know that losing weight does. Right now, I feel a little stuck because I want to move more, but I can't do much ... and I need to move in order to lose weight -- which will help me move more (did that make any sense?). That's why I like the BowFlex, because I can get in a good workout and keep the pressure off of my back. When my leg was broken, I'd also looked at some chair aerobics videos -- perhaps I should try one of those again, especially since I now have two legs to work with again.

I don't even care that much about what I look like anymore, but I do miss being able to do whatever I want. The other night when we were out, I was feeling envious of one of Scott's friends because the guy had so much energy. He kept getting up and dancing around and was obviously having a blast -- and I wished I could just move and have fun and go crazy like that. I even mentioned him to my counselor when I saw her this week.

Well, it turns out that the guy has lost over 100 pounds! That's pretty incredible, especially since he's even shorter than I am. Knowing this puts things into perspective; I'm now less envious of him and am looking to him more as an inspiration.

Larger Than Life

This weekend, my friend showed me a rather shocking news item: it was an interview with a woman named Donna Simpson from New Jersey who is striving to break the world record for "Fattest Woman." She is currently 600 pounds and aspires to weigh 1000 within the next two years. To make money, she runs a web site where people can watch her eating, and she has her husband and children's full approval. No, I am not kidding.

As disgusted as I am by this, though, I have to think: how much different from her am I really? Sure, I'm not exploiting myself nor am I going to such extremes to pack on the pounds, but I am aware of the damage I've done to my body. I've known all this time that I've been putting on the weight and I haven't successfully stopped it. So while we may gawk at this woman and exclaim, "But she's going to kill herself! What about her kids?" basically, I'm doing the same thing -- albeit in a more subtle manner.

I suppose I can understand her wanting to "own" her obesity, rather than being shunned by society. And I can definitely understand her wanting to just throw in the towel and eat what she wants after failing on one diet after another. What I don't get, however, is how she can want to so blatantly do something that I imagine will make her very uncomfortable. I already suffer from back and knee problems and I can't imagine what it would be like to have to deal with that, not to mention bed sores and the many other problems that accompany extreme morbid obesity.

I'm not sure if this woman's goal signifies sheer stubborness on her part -- a proverbial slap in the face to all of those obesity epidemic alarmists out there -- or if she is just trying to commit suicide. Guess I'll never know. But though I don't quite get this goal, I wish her good health and happiness ... and the deep hope that I continue to have LESS in common with someone who is destroying her body.