Singing The Truth

Had a great day today at the Tanglewood jazz fest in the Berkshires, MA. We spent the morning listening to two bands (one we loved; the other was a bit weird and experimental), then went to here an Afro-funk singing group called "Singing The Truth" this evening. They were amazing. They had everyone on their feet and really interacted well with the audience.

This made me think of how much I enjoy performing. I've always been shy, though less so in my adult years. My ultimate dream -- which is more of a fantasy -- is to have the lead in a Broadway show. I'm a decent singer, but I can't act or dance, and I'm probably too old at 37, so realistically, this isn't something that's going to work out.

Still, I've found other ways to satisfy my inner ham: I love doing karaoke and I played flute with a band. Being up on stage and having an audience cheer for me was the greatest feeling. I liked making people happy and it made me feel good to know that they appreciated my talent.

As much as I like performing, though, I often have trouble letting go, especially when I'm in large groups. I'm not what you'd call the life of the party, especially since I don't drink often. Even before I was diagnosed with diabetes (now I can't drink at all), I couldn't stand having more than one drink. Believe me, I tried. I tried in college like everyone else did, but after about two wine coolers, I'd get a burning sensation in my stomach and my entire arm would go numb. My dad is also unable to drink so I seriously think it's a genetic defect. So I'd have my one wine cooler and call it a night.

A good many of my close friends aren't big drinkers either, but some are, as well as some of my co-workers and I'll admit, I often feel left out. When they're sober, I fit in fine, but when they start to get drunk and they're all giggly over some inane thing, I don't get it. It's as if everyone were handed the rules to a game or some subcultural and I never got the memo. I envy them for being able to let loose -- and part of me gets angry with them for entering a "world" that I don't have a pass to, especially now. I have a great imagination and can act silly without much alcohol, but I know it's different when you've had a few.

Anyway, when I perform, this is MY chance to become that different person and to let myself go. As I was listening to these women tonight, I was thinking about that and how I really need to start some new project that involves performing. I'm thinking of maybe recording a new album with some vocal tracks. I put out a flute album a few years ago, but this would be a new challenge. I'd also like to sing live. It's one thing to do karaoke in front of a few friends, but it's different when you have to interact with a pianist and orchestra, and the crowd isn't necessarily friendly.

I have a long way to go until I lose enough weight to no longer be considered obese, but I can work on my confidence along the way. I may not be able to go crazy at parties, but I can still stand out in a different sense.

Greek Freak Out

Greetings from Santorini! Right now, we're in a beautiful hotel that overlooks the caldera. We spent the day on a boat touring the islands. It should've been paradise, but for me, there was a big issue ... the steps.

All of the towns in Santorini are up hundreds and hundreds of steep, uneven steps that have been built into the cliff. You can walk, ride a donkey, ride a motorbike, or if you're lucky, get a cab or bus. We've mainly been using public transport, but there are some areas that you can only get to on foot ... which means climbing up and down these steep stairs.

I've been pushing myself for the past week and it's catching up to me. This morning, we walked to the cable car which takes you down to port so we could catch our boat. Jon said that it was a "short walk" through town to get it to it. But that "short walk" was about a mile up and down over these steps. Adding to this was the fact that I hadn't slept well and hadn't yet had breakfast when we did the walk. Plus, it was hot out. I completely freaked out. I sat down on a stoop and just burst into tears. I feel really stupid about it now, but at the time, I was in pain and frustrated.

I did make it to the cable car and relaxed for the rest of the day. In the evening, we went to the town of Oia to watch the sun set. We spent several hours just hanging out at a cafe and made friends with some cats. Later, to get to the main square, we again had to walk over a bunch of steps. Only after having relaxed all day and eaten, it didn't seem as bad. I was able to enjoy the scenery and the town and not think about them so much.

Tomorrow is our last full vacation day before we begin the trip back home. I hope that when I get home, I'll be stronger and all of this physical stuff I've been doing will have paid off.