Singing The Truth

Had a great day today at the Tanglewood jazz fest in the Berkshires, MA. We spent the morning listening to two bands (one we loved; the other was a bit weird and experimental), then went to here an Afro-funk singing group called "Singing The Truth" this evening. They were amazing. They had everyone on their feet and really interacted well with the audience.

This made me think of how much I enjoy performing. I've always been shy, though less so in my adult years. My ultimate dream -- which is more of a fantasy -- is to have the lead in a Broadway show. I'm a decent singer, but I can't act or dance, and I'm probably too old at 37, so realistically, this isn't something that's going to work out.

Still, I've found other ways to satisfy my inner ham: I love doing karaoke and I played flute with a band. Being up on stage and having an audience cheer for me was the greatest feeling. I liked making people happy and it made me feel good to know that they appreciated my talent.

As much as I like performing, though, I often have trouble letting go, especially when I'm in large groups. I'm not what you'd call the life of the party, especially since I don't drink often. Even before I was diagnosed with diabetes (now I can't drink at all), I couldn't stand having more than one drink. Believe me, I tried. I tried in college like everyone else did, but after about two wine coolers, I'd get a burning sensation in my stomach and my entire arm would go numb. My dad is also unable to drink so I seriously think it's a genetic defect. So I'd have my one wine cooler and call it a night.

A good many of my close friends aren't big drinkers either, but some are, as well as some of my co-workers and I'll admit, I often feel left out. When they're sober, I fit in fine, but when they start to get drunk and they're all giggly over some inane thing, I don't get it. It's as if everyone were handed the rules to a game or some subcultural and I never got the memo. I envy them for being able to let loose -- and part of me gets angry with them for entering a "world" that I don't have a pass to, especially now. I have a great imagination and can act silly without much alcohol, but I know it's different when you've had a few.

Anyway, when I perform, this is MY chance to become that different person and to let myself go. As I was listening to these women tonight, I was thinking about that and how I really need to start some new project that involves performing. I'm thinking of maybe recording a new album with some vocal tracks. I put out a flute album a few years ago, but this would be a new challenge. I'd also like to sing live. It's one thing to do karaoke in front of a few friends, but it's different when you have to interact with a pianist and orchestra, and the crowd isn't necessarily friendly.

I have a long way to go until I lose enough weight to no longer be considered obese, but I can work on my confidence along the way. I may not be able to go crazy at parties, but I can still stand out in a different sense.

Sweating To The Oldies

Who knew that you could work up a sweat simply by singing? That's what I discovered last night when I went out for karaoke with friends. We were there for three hours and by the time we finished, I realized that I had built up a sweat.

I know that this was because I was active, even though we were sitting. But was moving around, dancing in my seat and waving my hands the whole time. When we sang "Stayin' Alive," we did the classic hand movements; when we sang "Piano Man," we swayed from side to side. I guess for me, it was somewhat like the aerobic programs that they often for the elderly or wheelchair-bound people, where instructors have patients concentrate on moving their upper bodies. So I got a little workout in and I didn't even know it! I was too busy having fun singing and dancing the whole time.

I also didn't eat too much last night. We ordered Japanese food at the karaoke place, but it's hard to eat and sing. I had some miso soup and veggie tempura, but by the time my chicken came, I was too busy enjoying the karaoke. My husband and his friend ended up finishing my dish. Today I had lunch with my parents, but I was really on plan; I had veggie fajitas with broccoli, cauliflower and zucchini.

I've decided that I would like to join a gym. There's one right by the bus/subway stop so it's convenient, and the online price is reasonable. I'm a little nervous about getting back into that, but I know that it will be good for me. I've been doing well with my eating for the past couple of weeks and need to take the next step. Now I just have to get up the courage to sign up.

Step Up

One of the exercises they have me do at physical therapy are step-ups, where I well, step up onto a raised platform so that I can practice taking stairs. However, I'm finding that the best way to get used to doing this is to simply walk up and down real stairs whenever I can.

Today I got in a lot of practice! I had to climb up a long, steep flight of stairs to get to the restaurant/karaoke bar where I met up with friends (believe me, I would've climbed a mountain to reach a karaoke bar; I'm that much of an addict). Later, I braved the subway for the first time since my accident, so there were many more steps there. I'm exhausted and in some pain, but I feel as if I got in a good workout.

I've found that one of the best ways to avoid overeating is to do karaoke. I mean, you can't eat when you sing, right? When I did eat, though, the food was plentiful and healthy. We had to each order $30 of food to get the room rate, so I got chicken terriyaki with vegetables, miso soup and vegetable rolls made with squash, carrots, seaweed and asparagus. Yum! I only had a few bites of the terriyaki because I'm trying to cut down on my sodium intake, but the veggie rolls were great. I don't like fish or seafood (I wish I did, but I don't), so they're the only type of sushi that I'll eat. I love that they're so "clean" and simple -- fresh veggies rolled in some rice and seaweed -- but are also tasty. They're also really low in WW points, which is a big bonus. I was tempted to order some of the fried appetizers, like the age dofu (fried tofu) or spring rolls, but am glad I got the veggie rolls instead.

It's been a good week in terms of seeing friends, but work is beginning to stress me out again. We got our schedules of upcoming assignments and I have some big ones on the horizon. I'm trying not to let it bug me to much, though. Instead, I've decided to use the schedules as a "goal post" for my weight loss, i.e., "By the time I get to this assignment, which is a month from now, I'll weigh X fewer pounds."

As of now, it's almost 2 a.m., so I am going to try to get some sleep. Then tomorrow, we're off to see Scott Pilgrim -- woo hoo! I'm tempted to do nothing on the weekend, but I think it's healthier if I force myself to go out, at least for part of the day. As I lose more weight, I look forward to having even more energy.

Get In The Pool

Earlier I wrote about how I'd been nervous about swimming while on our cruise, but I finally went for it after my husband and friend Scott encouraged me to "Get in the pool." Later that evening, I spoke Scott's words back at him when he was nervous about doing a karaoke solo and urged him to "get in the pool" (not literally in this case), as well.

I think that "get[ing] in the pool" is good metaphor for how I want to live my life: I want to take more risks and then (hopefully) enjoy the rewards that come with those risks. Just as it was when I literally got in the pool -- the water was cool and relaxing, and I felt as if I were floating. I hadn't gone swimming in years, but as soon as I hit the water, I realized how much I'd missed it. That said, I know that my fears are making me miss other things in life, as well.

One of my big fears still is flying. I've told my husband that I want to book another trip right away so that I can force myself to do it more often. I enjoy traveling so the risk (flying) would lead to a reward (seeing a cool, new place).

I also know that losing weight and being attractive again is a fear -- a deep-down fear, but a fear nevertheless. That said, I decided to "get in the pool" tonight and start walking again. I'd originally planned to do it this past weekend because the weather was decent, but I just couldn't get up the energy to get dressed and go. But today I ended up doing a walk during lunch for about a half hour. I didn't go far -- maybe a mile because I had to stop sometimes, but it felt great. The sun was out, the weather was warm for a change, and it felt good to get moving. I think I function better in general when the sun is out more so I plan to do more walking in the near future. I'm already looking forward to tomorrow's.

After work, I had my therapy session. Things are going pretty well with that. I told her about my "get in the pool" idea and she liked the imagery. She suggested that I think about it when I come across an obstacle in my life. She also suggested that I take a more "zen" approach to things and not worry about the details so much. That's a little hard for someone like me who has an overactive imagination, but I guess it can't hurt to try. So I'm being zen about this blog, and whatever I write, I write. It doesn't matter if it's not Shakespeare!

Meantime, I'm looking forward to more warm weather so that I can hopefully "get in the pool" again soon -- literally and figuratively.

Karaoke Night

I stayed home from work today, and while I'm feeling a little better, I'm definitely not 100 percent. I had what I thought was a hot flash this afternoon and realized that it was a fever. So I holed up in the living room watching movies (The Time Traveler's Wife -- eh, too many plot holes and Night At The Museum 2 -- silly, but fun) and relaxing.

With all this time on my hands, I've been thinking a lot about the cruise and the best moments. I enjoyed seeing Key West and Cozumel, and being with my husband and friends, but for me, probably the best time was when we did karaoke in the ship's Xanadu lounge (and no, I did not sing anything by Olivia Newton-John, though I was tempted).

Though I'm an accomplished flute player, I love singing. I sing in the shower, sing along to the radio and especially love singing along to TV themes. I'm not a great singer, by any means, but I have a decent voice and can carry a tune. I've considered taking voice lessons because I think I could probably turn my above-average voice into a good voice, but I feel that singing is for fun while the flute is something I take more seriously. So while my impossible dream is to star in a Broadway show, I realize that won't happen because I can't dance or act, and don't sing well enough, I can live out that dream by singing show tunes.

For this reason, I looove karaoke. I love performing in general, but with the flute, tthere's a certain amount of pressure on me because people expect me to be good. People don't invite me to play at their weddings or with their bands so that I can goof around. But with karaoke, I can do that. I can sing whatever I want and be as crazy and uninhibited as I want ... and people will still cheer for me and treat me like a rock star -- even if I suck.

I really don't suck, though, if I pick the right type of song for my voice, which is a really low song. I am an alto with a voice that's deep enough to almost be a male tenor. I always enjoyed hearing Dorothy sing on The Golden Girls because portrayer Bea Arthur's voice was similar to mine -- deep and kind of raspy. While I don't have the chops to belt out Broadway tunes that span five octaves, I sound pretty good singing smoky jazz tunes or other songs that go low enough.

Luckily, my travel companions also like karaoke so we went for two nights in a row. The first night, I did songs with Jon and then Scott, and then the three of us sang. However, the guys wouldn't really agree with me on songs so we didn't exactly do ones that were great for my range. Jon and I sang Africa and then Scott and I did Obla-di Obla-da (though I wanted to do I Wanna Hold Your Hand because I do a kick-ass harmony on it, but Scott refused). The three of us then did Scenes From An Italian Restaurant, which was a little too long and nearly put the audience in a coma. Still, we had a great time and it was fun listening to everyone else.

However, the next night I chose to go solo. My first pick, Upside Down, was okay, but a little shaky on the high notes because I hadn't warmed up my voice enough. But the next two I did -- These Boots Were Made For Walking and Fever -- I, dare I say without sounding conceited, nailed. They were just in the right octave and key for me, my nasal passages were clear, my voice was warmed up and I was feeling confident, so I managed to hit all of the notes. On those two songs, I actually sounded like an experienced singer. Everyone was looking at me and cheered me loudly when I finished, but the attention was welcome. I was being regarded because the crowd admired me -- not because I was the largest woman in the room.

I suppose you're wondering what on earth this has to do with my weight-loss journey, but I guess what I want to get out of this whole thing is that *feeling* I had while doing karaoke that night -- that confidence, that ease at being who I am, that sense of being able to let everything go and have fun and not care what people think ... but then feeling successful, anyway. I want to feel as free as I did that evening -- even when I'm not on the stage.