One of the internal things that I really need to work on is dealing with confrontations. I'm getting better, but most of the time I'm a complete wuss when it comes to handling sticky situations.
Take today at work, for example. I made a mistake on something. I miscommunicated when it came to getting across some information and told someone that something was OK when it wasn't. Now I have to go back and fix things. This isn't a huge mistake -- mind you -- it's more of an annoyance than anything, but the involved are going to rightfully be pissed off when I explain my blunder.
This shouldn't be a big deal, but I spent all day worrying about it and what I'd say. My stomach was tied in so many knots that I could barely eat lunch. I still don't have much of an appetite. And I still haven't corrected the issue because I was frozen with fear over facing the inevitable confrontation between myself and the person I'd wronged. I'm going to have to do it tomorrow because time is running out.
Anyway, the logical part of me knows that I'm making a bigger thing out of this than I ought to. Everyone makes mistakes and I'm usually on the ball when it comes to my job. The WORST that will likely happen is that the person will get huffy with me, chew me out a bit for screwing up and then let it go. But the emotional part of me just hates the idea of not being liked, of not being perfect, of being perceived as "bad."
I'm trying to get to the root of WHY I'm so sensitive about this sort of thing, why I so hate the idea of someone being angry with me. It's weird because I can take constructive criticism fine; when I was shopping a novel, I got over 100 rejection letters, but I was OK with that. I guess it's the idea of it being personal, of it being a measure of my character that gets to me.
This post may seem like it's not weight related, but in a way I think it is because disliking myself was a big part of what led to my eating disorders. These days, I'm pretty happy with myself and my life, but it's hard to break a habit -- like berating myself for not being perfect. I still do it from time to time, only I no longer starve myself or binge to gain control and avert my feelings.
The good news is that I didn't use food to comfort myself. I talked to friends, confided in my cubicle mate and am now blogging. It's actually kind of interesting that I LOST my appetite from the stress -- that's a new one for me! But I know that tomorrow I have to face the music and that the person will be upset with me. It won't mean that I'm a bad person and that she hates me; it will mean that she's temporarily annoyed and I will learn from my mistake.
I hope that as I become more confident with my body and feel like I can take on more challenges that my mind will follow. Being a wimp will only get me so far!
Showing posts with label dealing with the workplace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dealing with the workplace. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Mind Over Matter
I've had plenty of body issues over the years, but I've always been fairly confident about my intelligence. Still, I'm finding that getting back into shape is affecting my mental capabilities, as well as my physical ones.
Take yesterday at work, for example. We're going through a lot of changes at the moment because we're about to debut our new, improved Web site. This means that everyone has had to do a lot of annoying grunt work, such as making sure that certain archival information is current. On top of that, my colleague is home with a dying parent so I've had to cover for him.
Needless to say, I've been busy and a little stressed. I had so much to do yesterday, I considered coming in early. I didn't, though, and ended up just working through the morning ... and before I knew it, I was finished! I couldn't believe that I was able to zip through so much work and actually end EARLY.
It's nice to see all of these little changes taking place. I don't look much different; honestly, I think I'll need to lose about 75 pounds or so before there's a noticeable difference. My walking isn't so great. But it's now easier for me to get off the couch or walk across a room, or even walk down the block. Considering the fact that I'm not too far off from being large enough to be bedridden, I think of any activity as progress.
I'm happy to be moving better, but I didn't expect my thinking to improve, as well. Who knows -- maybe when I lose enough weight, I'll be a genius...
Take yesterday at work, for example. We're going through a lot of changes at the moment because we're about to debut our new, improved Web site. This means that everyone has had to do a lot of annoying grunt work, such as making sure that certain archival information is current. On top of that, my colleague is home with a dying parent so I've had to cover for him.
Needless to say, I've been busy and a little stressed. I had so much to do yesterday, I considered coming in early. I didn't, though, and ended up just working through the morning ... and before I knew it, I was finished! I couldn't believe that I was able to zip through so much work and actually end EARLY.
It's nice to see all of these little changes taking place. I don't look much different; honestly, I think I'll need to lose about 75 pounds or so before there's a noticeable difference. My walking isn't so great. But it's now easier for me to get off the couch or walk across a room, or even walk down the block. Considering the fact that I'm not too far off from being large enough to be bedridden, I think of any activity as progress.
I'm happy to be moving better, but I didn't expect my thinking to improve, as well. Who knows -- maybe when I lose enough weight, I'll be a genius...
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Mental Weight
I absolutely hate when something stressful is weighing on my mind. Dont you? In my case, it's nothing THAT bad -- it's that assignment from work that I have to get done where the source hasn't yet gotten back to me -- and I am NOT looking forward to dealing with the editor in charge of the section. I hate feeling irresponsible, especially when I have no control over the situation. Work has been pretty good, but this one, stupid assignment is making my stomach hurt.
I'm still trying to work on dealing with stress. I KNOW that people have worse things to deal with -- illnesses, divorce, financial problems, horrible bosses -- the list goes on and on. But as much as I logically try to remind myself of this and work the problem out, it's haunting me. It'll pass. By next week, everything will be over and it'll have been completed or not, and that will be it, but for now, I wish it would go away.
I'm not sure if I'll every fully conquer stress. Some people just don't care about stuff -- not in a bad way; I mean, they care about their loved ones and the environment and all of that -- but some people just don't let anything get to them and can compartmentalize their home life and work. I've never been able to do that. I'm a perfectionist by nature and I care a great deal what people think of me. I like doing a good job at things anf take pride in it. So when something makes me screw up at work, I feel terrible about it.
On the upside, I am learning to deal with stress differently, and have not been bingeing. At PT on Friday, I really put everything into my workout and felt good afterward. That night, I met up with Karen for dinner and we had a nice talk. And then, I've been working on my jewelry. It's still a new hobby, but I like doing something where I get to be creative and have to concentrate really hard to get the work done. That's the best way to forget about things!
At the risk of sounding conceited, I have to say, I'm pretty good at making jewelry. So far, I've taught myself how to string beads and add crimps and clasps, and how to do basic wire work. I really like the wire work because you can design your own pendants, chains, etc. It's extremely creative and labor intensive, so you feel good when a project is completed. I made a necklace for Karen, which she loved, and made one for my mom; I've also promised a bunch of friends and family that I'd design jewelry for them. It feels good to be doing something that people appreciate and makes them happy. To bring it back to food, overeating might give me a temporary high, but it's not the same kind of pleasure you get when you give someone you love an everlasting gift that you made from the heart.
Right now, I'm going to work on some more of my creations and try to put my work problems behind me -- and count my blessings that my problems are as mundane as they are. As my mother-in-law always says, "This too shall pass."
I'm still trying to work on dealing with stress. I KNOW that people have worse things to deal with -- illnesses, divorce, financial problems, horrible bosses -- the list goes on and on. But as much as I logically try to remind myself of this and work the problem out, it's haunting me. It'll pass. By next week, everything will be over and it'll have been completed or not, and that will be it, but for now, I wish it would go away.
I'm not sure if I'll every fully conquer stress. Some people just don't care about stuff -- not in a bad way; I mean, they care about their loved ones and the environment and all of that -- but some people just don't let anything get to them and can compartmentalize their home life and work. I've never been able to do that. I'm a perfectionist by nature and I care a great deal what people think of me. I like doing a good job at things anf take pride in it. So when something makes me screw up at work, I feel terrible about it.
On the upside, I am learning to deal with stress differently, and have not been bingeing. At PT on Friday, I really put everything into my workout and felt good afterward. That night, I met up with Karen for dinner and we had a nice talk. And then, I've been working on my jewelry. It's still a new hobby, but I like doing something where I get to be creative and have to concentrate really hard to get the work done. That's the best way to forget about things!
At the risk of sounding conceited, I have to say, I'm pretty good at making jewelry. So far, I've taught myself how to string beads and add crimps and clasps, and how to do basic wire work. I really like the wire work because you can design your own pendants, chains, etc. It's extremely creative and labor intensive, so you feel good when a project is completed. I made a necklace for Karen, which she loved, and made one for my mom; I've also promised a bunch of friends and family that I'd design jewelry for them. It feels good to be doing something that people appreciate and makes them happy. To bring it back to food, overeating might give me a temporary high, but it's not the same kind of pleasure you get when you give someone you love an everlasting gift that you made from the heart.
Right now, I'm going to work on some more of my creations and try to put my work problems behind me -- and count my blessings that my problems are as mundane as they are. As my mother-in-law always says, "This too shall pass."
Monday, August 23, 2010
Grapes Of Wrath
At work, we just moved to another floor in our building, meaning that I lost my office and now have a cubicle. On the plus side, I'm near a lot of my co-workers, so it'll be fun hanging out with everyone. However, the new arrangement affords me very little privacy and there is a lot of noise. Everyone can hear everyone else's phone interviews and it won't be as easy to make personal calls. I'm missing my office already.
Still, I tried to get into the spirit of things, so when it was time for lunch, I offered the woman across from me some grapes. She accepted, but kind of chuckled when I handed her the package, which was fresh from the store; she found it amusing that I'd brought the entire package with me rather than taking out some grapes and putting them in a baggie or Tupperware.
I know that she wasn't laughing AT me or being unkind because she's a nice person. It's just that she's thin and has a difficult time imagining eating an entire package of ANYTHING, even if it is grapes. For me, though, eating grapes is a victory over eating candy.
After that, I felt a little embarrassed and put the rest of the grapes back into the shopping bag I'd brought my lunch in. I then kept sneaking grapes as the afternoon went on, praying that no one else would see what a pig I was being for munching on these things. Finally, I asked myself, "What the hell am I doing?" and ate the rest out in the open. I mean, these were GRAPES, for God's sake, not a whole chocolate cake. But you know what? If I wanted to eat an entire chocolate cake, as well, who are my co-workers to judge?
I know that many overweight people feel self conscious when they dine in public. I've never cared too much; out of all of my eating issues, dining in secret has never been one of them, believe it or not. But today, I could understand why some feel uncomfortable eating in front of others. I have to see these people every day and don't really want my lunch to become a topic of conversation.
Know what, though? I'm going to bring whatever I damn please, be it a whole package of grapes or an entire tub of berries -- and I'm going to enjoy my food. Let's face it, if my eating habits are all that people can think of to critique me on, then I can't be that bad a person!
Still, I tried to get into the spirit of things, so when it was time for lunch, I offered the woman across from me some grapes. She accepted, but kind of chuckled when I handed her the package, which was fresh from the store; she found it amusing that I'd brought the entire package with me rather than taking out some grapes and putting them in a baggie or Tupperware.
I know that she wasn't laughing AT me or being unkind because she's a nice person. It's just that she's thin and has a difficult time imagining eating an entire package of ANYTHING, even if it is grapes. For me, though, eating grapes is a victory over eating candy.
After that, I felt a little embarrassed and put the rest of the grapes back into the shopping bag I'd brought my lunch in. I then kept sneaking grapes as the afternoon went on, praying that no one else would see what a pig I was being for munching on these things. Finally, I asked myself, "What the hell am I doing?" and ate the rest out in the open. I mean, these were GRAPES, for God's sake, not a whole chocolate cake. But you know what? If I wanted to eat an entire chocolate cake, as well, who are my co-workers to judge?
I know that many overweight people feel self conscious when they dine in public. I've never cared too much; out of all of my eating issues, dining in secret has never been one of them, believe it or not. But today, I could understand why some feel uncomfortable eating in front of others. I have to see these people every day and don't really want my lunch to become a topic of conversation.
Know what, though? I'm going to bring whatever I damn please, be it a whole package of grapes or an entire tub of berries -- and I'm going to enjoy my food. Let's face it, if my eating habits are all that people can think of to critique me on, then I can't be that bad a person!
Friday, August 13, 2010
Step Up
One of the exercises they have me do at physical therapy are step-ups, where I well, step up onto a raised platform so that I can practice taking stairs. However, I'm finding that the best way to get used to doing this is to simply walk up and down real stairs whenever I can.
Today I got in a lot of practice! I had to climb up a long, steep flight of stairs to get to the restaurant/karaoke bar where I met up with friends (believe me, I would've climbed a mountain to reach a karaoke bar; I'm that much of an addict). Later, I braved the subway for the first time since my accident, so there were many more steps there. I'm exhausted and in some pain, but I feel as if I got in a good workout.
I've found that one of the best ways to avoid overeating is to do karaoke. I mean, you can't eat when you sing, right? When I did eat, though, the food was plentiful and healthy. We had to each order $30 of food to get the room rate, so I got chicken terriyaki with vegetables, miso soup and vegetable rolls made with squash, carrots, seaweed and asparagus. Yum! I only had a few bites of the terriyaki because I'm trying to cut down on my sodium intake, but the veggie rolls were great. I don't like fish or seafood (I wish I did, but I don't), so they're the only type of sushi that I'll eat. I love that they're so "clean" and simple -- fresh veggies rolled in some rice and seaweed -- but are also tasty. They're also really low in WW points, which is a big bonus. I was tempted to order some of the fried appetizers, like the age dofu (fried tofu) or spring rolls, but am glad I got the veggie rolls instead.
It's been a good week in terms of seeing friends, but work is beginning to stress me out again. We got our schedules of upcoming assignments and I have some big ones on the horizon. I'm trying not to let it bug me to much, though. Instead, I've decided to use the schedules as a "goal post" for my weight loss, i.e., "By the time I get to this assignment, which is a month from now, I'll weigh X fewer pounds."
As of now, it's almost 2 a.m., so I am going to try to get some sleep. Then tomorrow, we're off to see Scott Pilgrim -- woo hoo! I'm tempted to do nothing on the weekend, but I think it's healthier if I force myself to go out, at least for part of the day. As I lose more weight, I look forward to having even more energy.
Today I got in a lot of practice! I had to climb up a long, steep flight of stairs to get to the restaurant/karaoke bar where I met up with friends (believe me, I would've climbed a mountain to reach a karaoke bar; I'm that much of an addict). Later, I braved the subway for the first time since my accident, so there were many more steps there. I'm exhausted and in some pain, but I feel as if I got in a good workout.
I've found that one of the best ways to avoid overeating is to do karaoke. I mean, you can't eat when you sing, right? When I did eat, though, the food was plentiful and healthy. We had to each order $30 of food to get the room rate, so I got chicken terriyaki with vegetables, miso soup and vegetable rolls made with squash, carrots, seaweed and asparagus. Yum! I only had a few bites of the terriyaki because I'm trying to cut down on my sodium intake, but the veggie rolls were great. I don't like fish or seafood (I wish I did, but I don't), so they're the only type of sushi that I'll eat. I love that they're so "clean" and simple -- fresh veggies rolled in some rice and seaweed -- but are also tasty. They're also really low in WW points, which is a big bonus. I was tempted to order some of the fried appetizers, like the age dofu (fried tofu) or spring rolls, but am glad I got the veggie rolls instead.
It's been a good week in terms of seeing friends, but work is beginning to stress me out again. We got our schedules of upcoming assignments and I have some big ones on the horizon. I'm trying not to let it bug me to much, though. Instead, I've decided to use the schedules as a "goal post" for my weight loss, i.e., "By the time I get to this assignment, which is a month from now, I'll weigh X fewer pounds."
As of now, it's almost 2 a.m., so I am going to try to get some sleep. Then tomorrow, we're off to see Scott Pilgrim -- woo hoo! I'm tempted to do nothing on the weekend, but I think it's healthier if I force myself to go out, at least for part of the day. As I lose more weight, I look forward to having even more energy.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
End Of An Era
Today is the four-month anniversary of my accident .... and my last day of "freedom" since I return to work full-time tomorrow. I'm pretty nervous -- it feels like the first day of school!
I'd be lying if I said that I hated having all of this time off for my job, because I didn't. I liked having the time to do relaxing things like read or watch episodes of How I Met Your Mother, and I enjoyed having the time to write my own stuff. It was also a relief to not have to worry about deadlines and all of the other stressful things that come with my job.
But by having that "freedom," my real freedom was sacrificed in that my broken leg forbid me from moving around easily and doing a lot of things on my own. Then there were all of the painful doctor visits, my surgery and oh, yeah, having to have my bone popped into place. Yeeooouuuch! I definitely WON'T miss any of that.
Still, as much as it sucked to break my leg, this time off wasn't entirely horrible. In fact, there were a lot of good things that happened during these four months:
1. We hosted two awesome parties: our 10th anniversary bash in April and a house party in June.
2. We found some cool, new restaurants in our neighborhood (which Jon wheeled me to, always greatly appreciated. He really went above and beyond for me while I was hurt).
3. I got to spend a lot of quality time with my parents. Sure, the circumstances under which I was seeing them weren't so great, but I still enjoyed having the chance to catch up and feel like we're closer than we've been in a long time.
4. I got A LOT of freelance writing done, which is very cool.
5. I've become close with my friend/neighbor, Karen, who really took good care of me during this time off. We were friendly before, but now we're good friends. Many of my other friends, too, such as Amy, Scott, Lani, Suzanne and Marianna, were really here for me during this time.
6. I've lost some weight and am starting to get back into shape again. Before I broke my leg, I was kind of in a rut, but wanting to walk again has pushed me in the right direction.
See, so breaking your leg doesn't have to be the end of the world, and for me, it actually felt like the beginning of many new things. I'm anxious about tomorrow, but am determined to not let my job drag me into a slump once again. Instead, I'm planning to focus on everything else in my life and find my self worth through those goals. I think that if I do that, I can continue taking care of myself and becoming a better person.
For today, though, I'm planning to relax, take a long shower, relax ... and then go to bed early. Tomorrow is going to be a crazy day and I want to be ready to jump right in!
I'd be lying if I said that I hated having all of this time off for my job, because I didn't. I liked having the time to do relaxing things like read or watch episodes of How I Met Your Mother, and I enjoyed having the time to write my own stuff. It was also a relief to not have to worry about deadlines and all of the other stressful things that come with my job.
But by having that "freedom," my real freedom was sacrificed in that my broken leg forbid me from moving around easily and doing a lot of things on my own. Then there were all of the painful doctor visits, my surgery and oh, yeah, having to have my bone popped into place. Yeeooouuuch! I definitely WON'T miss any of that.
Still, as much as it sucked to break my leg, this time off wasn't entirely horrible. In fact, there were a lot of good things that happened during these four months:
1. We hosted two awesome parties: our 10th anniversary bash in April and a house party in June.
2. We found some cool, new restaurants in our neighborhood (which Jon wheeled me to, always greatly appreciated. He really went above and beyond for me while I was hurt).
3. I got to spend a lot of quality time with my parents. Sure, the circumstances under which I was seeing them weren't so great, but I still enjoyed having the chance to catch up and feel like we're closer than we've been in a long time.
4. I got A LOT of freelance writing done, which is very cool.
5. I've become close with my friend/neighbor, Karen, who really took good care of me during this time off. We were friendly before, but now we're good friends. Many of my other friends, too, such as Amy, Scott, Lani, Suzanne and Marianna, were really here for me during this time.
6. I've lost some weight and am starting to get back into shape again. Before I broke my leg, I was kind of in a rut, but wanting to walk again has pushed me in the right direction.
See, so breaking your leg doesn't have to be the end of the world, and for me, it actually felt like the beginning of many new things. I'm anxious about tomorrow, but am determined to not let my job drag me into a slump once again. Instead, I'm planning to focus on everything else in my life and find my self worth through those goals. I think that if I do that, I can continue taking care of myself and becoming a better person.
For today, though, I'm planning to relax, take a long shower, relax ... and then go to bed early. Tomorrow is going to be a crazy day and I want to be ready to jump right in!
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Guilt And Other Emotions
I just heard from a co-worker saying how much I'm missed and asking when I'm returning. We're friends so I know that most of the reason he sent the message is because he really does miss me as a person. However, knowing him as I do, I also know that he's sick of covering assignments for me in my absence. He and I normally work together as a team, so I realize that me not being there has been especially hard on him.
That said, I'm still a little annoyed by the message, especially since similar ones have come up before, like when I've been on vacation. But in this case, it's not my fault that I broke my leg. It's not my fault that our company wouldn't let me telecommute, even though I offered to do so. I feel badly that my co-workers are having to do extra work on my behalf, though I've been told that several of my assignments have been put on hold, which definitely lightens the load. And to be fair, my salary has been seriously slashed since I've been out so it's not like I'm being paid to be "on vacation." Quite the opposite, in fact.
I hate the fact that I feel guilty about this in the first place. I like everyone at my job, but the job itself hasn't always been good to me. I've always worked really hard and I just want to be able to recover without having to stress about work. Now that my leave of absence is almost over, I'm having to think more about juggling things in the "real world," like physical therapy, doctor's appointments and well, my job. Frankly, my recovery comes first. If I have an assignment that needs to be handed over because I have physical therapy, then tough. My health is the priority.
I've been a wimp at work in the past, but I've already decided that one of the first things I'm going to do is have a long talk with my boss about my various concerns. This way, we can openly address them and come up with a plan for dealing before things get too crazy.
My therapist ended up calling me in the middle of my writing this post and suggested that my accident and everything following it will give me the chance to finally stand up for myself at work. I suppose it will. If there's one thing that this has taught me -- and I know I've said this before -- is that I'm stronger than I thought. I've dealt with pain, having my bone popped into place and surgery, and have lived. I can't say I've been brave because I've been worrying and crying at every obstacle, but I haven't had a choice in having to deal with these things. And yet, I've come out OK, and even better in most cases, once the pain was over.
That said, I'm still a little annoyed by the message, especially since similar ones have come up before, like when I've been on vacation. But in this case, it's not my fault that I broke my leg. It's not my fault that our company wouldn't let me telecommute, even though I offered to do so. I feel badly that my co-workers are having to do extra work on my behalf, though I've been told that several of my assignments have been put on hold, which definitely lightens the load. And to be fair, my salary has been seriously slashed since I've been out so it's not like I'm being paid to be "on vacation." Quite the opposite, in fact.
I hate the fact that I feel guilty about this in the first place. I like everyone at my job, but the job itself hasn't always been good to me. I've always worked really hard and I just want to be able to recover without having to stress about work. Now that my leave of absence is almost over, I'm having to think more about juggling things in the "real world," like physical therapy, doctor's appointments and well, my job. Frankly, my recovery comes first. If I have an assignment that needs to be handed over because I have physical therapy, then tough. My health is the priority.
I've been a wimp at work in the past, but I've already decided that one of the first things I'm going to do is have a long talk with my boss about my various concerns. This way, we can openly address them and come up with a plan for dealing before things get too crazy.
My therapist ended up calling me in the middle of my writing this post and suggested that my accident and everything following it will give me the chance to finally stand up for myself at work. I suppose it will. If there's one thing that this has taught me -- and I know I've said this before -- is that I'm stronger than I thought. I've dealt with pain, having my bone popped into place and surgery, and have lived. I can't say I've been brave because I've been worrying and crying at every obstacle, but I haven't had a choice in having to deal with these things. And yet, I've come out OK, and even better in most cases, once the pain was over.
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