Update On The Blog

I'm writing this so readers won't worry about me:

I'm taking a little break from blogging. I'm fine. I'm still losing weight slowly, but it's coming off and I survived the holidays. Meantime, my last doctor's visit went very well and I am slowly going off the insulin. I'm now down to 7 units when I started at 25. Getting off the insulin is good news for many reasons, but it will also help me lose some more pounds because insulin makes you gain weight. The fact that I've managed to lose while taking it is a big deal.

Anyway, while I'm doing well-- at least physically -- the rest of my family is not. My husband's grandmother is on her death bed at the moment and we're all just waiting for her to pass. She has a growth on her lung that's pushing against her heart and other lung, and is making it difficult for her to breathe. She's lived a good life: she's 92 and until a few days ago, was relatively happy and capable, and had all f her faculties. She'd recently moved up to NY from Florida, so she's been surrounded by her family, all who live here. Still, it sucks that this is happening. Everyone is being kind of zen about it, but she's been my grandmother for the last 12 years that I've been married. We grew to be close and I hate the idea of losing her.

On top of that, my mom, who is not even close to being 92, has to go for a biopsy tomorrow to see if she has lung cancer. They found a very small spot on her lungs and want to make sure it's not malignant. It could just be a scar -- after all, she's smoked for 40-plus years -- but of course, we're all nervous. Even the biopsy is risky because her lung could collapse in the process. It's kind of weird that both situations have to do with lung health.

Friday was my birthday and I had a difficult time celebrating. I was depressed for most of the day and kind of felt as if I'd never be able to be happy again. I had a party last night, which I almost canceled, but am glad I didn't. My mom was there, as well as Jon's uncle (his grandmother's son) and they were both having a good time. I figured that if they could, I could to, and so I took my cue from them and enjoyed myself. We sang songs, I played my flute and my friend gave me a cool gift: a ukelele. So we all got to act silly for a few hours, which I really needed. I'm feeling a lot more positive today, though I'm, of course, still worried. And I thought my main source of stress would be worrying about my upcoming trip to Africa! Now I'm kind of anxious to hop on a plane and bail...

This is why I haven't been posting. I've been trying to process everything and keep myself from having a breakdown. I also needed some personal time that isn't on the page. I'll probably write again in the future, so thank you for your patience -- and for keeping me company throughout my journey.

Happy Holidays And Catching Up

Just finished a crazy week -- no wonder I crashed on Friday night! After attending my friend's bridal shower and then visiting my grandmother last Saturday, we had our Passover seder on Monday; I then helped another friend with wedding plans later in the week. It was fun seeing so many people, but I was happy to enjoy a quiet Sunday today.

I'm going to be honest, I haven't been so great about going to the gym. But I have been doing well with my eating. At Passover, I took only one serving of meatloaf, spinach souffle and stuffing, and I didn't even finish it. For dessert, I had one small piece of Passover brownie and one macaroon. Oh, and I had half a glass of wine. That was it. We were supposed to go to a second seder on Tuesday, but I decided to not attend. I felt badly cancelling on the friend who invited us, but I didn't want to do two big dinners in a row, especially since I had the bridal shower the weekend before. I stand by my decision and figure that we can see the friend on another day.

Later in the week, I went to my friend Amy's to help her address wedding invitations. She also served Passover food, but it was all very light -- beet salad, homemade guacamole and matzah, fresh vegetables, cottage cheese.

We don't really observe Passover (yes, I still eat bread; I'm a bad Jew), but I've been careful all week. I actually haven't had that much of an appetite, probably because I've been eating less.

Mentally, I'm in a good place. I have my second craft fair next weekend and am looking forward to selling some more jewelry. I've been working on new pieces all weekend and can't wait to show them off. Physically, I could be better (I know, I know, working out will help), but I'm sleeping a lot better these days and feel less lethargic. We had a half day of work on Friday, so I went home early with the plan to take a nap; instead, I ended up finishing a book and making four pieces of jewelry that evening. On weekends, my instinct is to hibernate, but I've been forcing myself to go out, even if it's just to see a movie. We did that yesterday and then today, I made some more jewelry and cleaned.

Right now, I'm going to enjoy the salad and chicken curry that Jon cooked for me. I like Sundays because it means that it's the start of a new week, and another chance for me to start clean and healthy. Here's to a happy Easter/Passover to everyone and to you having a healthy week, as well!

More Than Words

I just had the strangest, shittiest week and it only got more bizarre today. Not sure what it is ... maybe it's all of this rain?

Anyway, it looks as if my job is in serious jeopardy. We're being bought out by another company and the rumor is, about half of us will be out of work. Some reps from the new company had interviews with everyone over the past couple of days and I believe that I impressed them, but I'm trying to stay realistic. The good news is that Jon's work is going well so we're fine; if I lose my job, I'll find something else to do and it won't be the end of the world. But I'm worried not just for myself, but for my co-workers. I also know that a lot of people have already lost jobs because of this move and I feel badly for them.

This weekend, I prepared to get my mind off of things by relaxing and enjoying my friend's bridal shower. I arrived over an hour early so I went to the bagel shop next door to get some breakfast. It was nearly empty and very quiet, so I sat and read. For the first time all week, I was actually having some fun.

Then this man barged in right around the time that the two workers were in the back, checking on the bagels, I guess. This meant that I was all alone. I figured that the man was just a customer, but then he turned to me and growled, "Hello, FATSO." I knew that he was addressing me.

I tried to ignore him, but he went on a rant about how I was a fat piece of shit and a waste of space, and how I don't love God. Obviously, he was crazy out of his mind. Still, it scared the hell out of me. I just sat there, frozen, because I didn't know if he had a gun or knife on him, or what. He just kept screaming at me, taunting me about my weight and daring me to call the cops. Finally, the workers came out from the back and threw him out. They explained that he's basically the neighborhood Crazy and that everyone just ignores him.

Breathing a sigh of relief, I went next door to the place where the party was being held, but the man's words kept echoing in his head. Yeah, he was loony-tunes, but his insults still hurt. It was like all I was to him was a fat person and that angered him enough to barge into the store and yell. I try not to be hard on myself, but having him telling me how gross and useless I am was kind of like a demon spitting all of my insecurities right into my face. It also occured to me while he was ranting that if he did have a gun and shot me, that the last words I'd hear would be someone calling me a fat piece of shit.

I like to find the purpose in things, a reason for why things happen, but I can't come up with any for this. I'm trying to stay positive and remind myself that he didn't have a gun and didn't hurt me in any way. Plus, he's crazy and has apparently fallen through the cracks of the system, while I have not. Maybe this was supposed to be a test -- a test to see if I could deal with insults coming from someone who doesn't matter? I don't know.

Now I'm home, snuggled into my bed with my cat and my book, as the rain hits our window. My husband is in the next room and that man is probably wandering the streets in the bad weather. I can't let someone like that take away my dignity. It's hard, but I'm going to talk myself into moving past this.

Happy Anniversary

It was exactly a year ago, April Fool's Day, 2010, that I broke my leg. I can't believe that so much time has passed already. I'm not 100 percent, but I can function and am getting stronger. I know that losing weight will help with my recovery.

I know it seems strange to call this a "happy" anniversary, but I'm grateful for many things. I'm glad that all I did was break my leg and not my neck; I'm glad that my job didn't give me a hard time about taking four months off; I'm glad that I had that time off to reflect on some things in my life, plus the time off gave me the opportunity to do a lot of writing and begin my jewelry venture.

The accident also made me change my perspective on some things. Some of the treatments I went through, like getting my bone popped in, hurt like hell, but I survived them. I survived the surgery. And for a brief time, I got to see what it's like being wheelchair bound. Obviously, I can't compare my situation to someone who is in a wheelchair for life, but I got a taste and it gave me a new respect for things many of us take advantage of. Since then, I've been happy just being able to do things like climb stairs or enter a restaurant or see a movie that's on the second floor. I still think about these things all the time.

I also find that I get less stressed about stuff, save for dealing with my parents. Before I broke my leg, I was thisclose to quitting my job and felt as if I weren't valued. Nowadays, I'm a lot more relaxed at work, even though I have more to do. This attitude has spread to other areas of my life, as well. When I'm with my friends, I like to laugh and celebrate the good things going on in my life rather than complain to them. Before I broke my leg, I was bitching to everyone about my job troubles and I'm sure that was tiresome. Now I'm making more of an effort to stay positive and to surround myself with positive people. In the past, I'd get jealous of friends -- because they were in better shape or had more money or had a new home -- but I'm taking more time to remind myself of what I DO have.

I'm definitely not perfect. There are days when I get very stressed our or angry, and when I complain about silly things. If you read through my entires when I was dealing with my broken leg, I complained often! But at least I've gained more self-awareness so that I can step back and deal with my problems. I hope I never break another bone, but if I had to do so, I'm glad that the incident had such a positive influence on my life.

Great Expectations

When I spoke with my friend Scott yesterday, he noted that I seem to be in a positive place. I guess I am. Things definitely aren't perfect, especially when it comes to my weight and health, but I'm making progress. I can't say for sure that losing weight will prolong my life -- even the healthiest people can unfortunately be struck with a terminal illness -- but losing weight is definitely starting to enhance the quality of my life.

I can get in and out of chairs a lot more easily, without having to heave myself up, and my walking is improving each day. Pretty soon, my list of "normal" things that I'm able to do will expand: I'll be able to stand in line, walk around a store to shop, take a walk around a lake, go hiking... maybe I'll even be able to ride a bike or go scuba diving at some point. It's amazing how many doors open for you just if you can move. You don't even have to be in great shape to experience these things; you just have to be in average enough health so that you can move your body the way that it's meant to without hundreds of extra pounds of fat attached to it.

This evening at the gym I really surprised myself. I did my 10 minutes on the elliptical and kept the resistance at level 3. Those 10 minutes felt easy, so I'm going to try 15 when I return on Thursday. I then went to the bike and pedaled for a few minutes; by now, I can go fast enough so that the bike registers me. But after about five minutes, I started to experiment and turned it to Level 2. It felt good. Two minutes later, I moved on to Level 3. I kept going, raising the levels every couple of minutes until I topped out at Level 6! I couldn't believe it. Just a couple of weeks ago, I could barely pedal the bike. I did 15 minutes of moving from one level to another, then cooled down for five. It was a good ride.

They say it takes about six weeks to see a difference when you work out. I'm getting to that mark and I can feel some changes. I'm still huge but my stomach is less obstrusive and I'm gaining strength in my body. I still have about two months until Greece, so there's a lot of work to be done. I'm not expecting to be a Grecian goddess, but I feel as if I'm training for my own, personal Olympics.

Blasts From The Past

Karen and I decided to take tonight off. It's a good thing, too, because around 8:15 -- about the time we leave the gym -- a thunderstorm hit and it was pouring. I was grateful to be in my warm, dry apartment!

I did get in a little exercise since I carried home a heavy package full of craft fair supplies. I'm guessing it weighed about 10 pounds. Since I'm getting better at moving, I was able to carry it with few problems. I can now walk a lot more quickly and am having less back pain. Still, walking isn't easy. That's how far gone I was. When I started in the gym about a month ago, I could barely walk across the gym. Now I can do so, but walking for longer distances is an issue. Sometimes I want to slap myself for letting my fitness fall to the point where I'm a few steps above being bed ridden, but I have to celebrate the progress that I am making. That it'll probably take until May for me to walk normally is frustrating but well, I'll be in much better shape than I am now. And then I'll be able to surpass that and finally be in above-average shape.

As you know, I'm also trying to shape up my mental health. Forgiving myself and others in my life is a big thing. I think it'll take the longest to forgive my parents, but I'm trying to start with the people who don't mean so much to me. For years I've continued to be angry at people who are no longer even in my life -- past crushes who rejected me, friends who abandoned me, bullies who mocked me -- and well, what's the point? They don't care how I feel about them; chances are, they've forgotten me. Plus, it's silly to hold all of that in when it's in the past.

However, sometimes the past comes roaring back at you, especially when you use Facebook. It seems as if everyone from my life is on that site and throughout this week, I've come across pages for my ex-best friend and my ex-friend/almost boyfriend, who broke my heart.

It was very strange to see their names and profiles in front of me, but I went ahead and friended my ex-best friend ... and she hasn't friended me back. I'm not surprised, given that she was always ditching me to be with the cooler kids (in other words, she was hardly a "best" friend), but I'm kind of laughing because I've changed SO MUCH since high school. I don't think she has any idea that the shy, geeky, skinny girl of yore is now fat, outgoing and opinionated. As for the boy who broke my heart, I'm actually debating whether to friend him. Basically, I liked him as more than a friend, he was seeing someone and failed to tell me this ... and suddenly disappeared out of my life as if he'd died. I never got any closure on the situation and part of me has always wanted to have that conversation about why he lied to me. No, I wouldn't have that talk on FB, of all places, but I think I could get closure from him at least ackowledging my existence. That was the toughest part of losing him -- not that he was in love with someone else -- that he just cut me out without warning. I was young and naive. I'm not now. Maybe I'm just a masochist.

I'm confident enough, though, to know that I won't fall apart if I'm rejected by these people from my past. I've come so far, especially in the past year, and while it would be great to make amends, if they're not interested, well, they don't know what they're missing! Meanwhile, I have too much to look forward to to continue dwelling on the past. I still haven't quite let everything go, but I'm getting there, slowly but surely.

Dealing With My Feelings

I'm really proud of the way I handled food this weekend. I've been overeating on my days off, especially at breakfast, so I cut out my bagel and instead had a bowl of cereal (that came in a portioned container) with skim milk and a banana. Then Jon made a vegetable tagine so I had that with couscous and homemade butternut squash soup. The only thing I didn't do so well was I had too much cheese, but next time, I'll think ahead and get pre-cut string cheese snacks.

Tonight I went to therapy and then tomorrow, it's back to the gym. My counselor and I, of course, discussed my argument with my dad last night. I've realized that the reason why I get so upset when my parents try to discuss my weight is because it takes me back to a point in time when I felt as if I were disappointing them. Back in college, they'd sit me down and lecture me, telling me all the things I'd lose if I were fat. I know they meant well -- I know they MEAN well -- but those lectures left me feeling horrible. I wasn't just fat; I was a failure. I hate that and don't want to go back there -- and whenever they bring it up, it takes me right back to that awful place. Most of the time I'm okay with myself, which is a huge victory for me and I dislike that sense that I'm regressing to a negative version of myself. I imagine that to most of you reading this blog that my reaction to my dad seemed rather extreme. This is the best that I can do to explain it.

The good news is, I didn't use being upset as an excuse to binge. My counselor pointed that out and said that I should be proud of that -- and so I am. I'm trying to find more things to be proud of. I've spent most of my life putting myself down and I'd like to finally free myself of that habit.

This is why I'm glad to get back to the gym tomorrow. Working out makes me stronger, mentally and physically. My goal for tomorrow is modest: a 30 minute workout on a variety of machines. Ideally, I'll do 10 on the elliptical, 10 treadmill, 10 bike, but it'll really depend on which machines are available. That's the beauty of belonging to a gym, though; you can mix and match.

Off to enjoy a slice of veggie pizza...

Family Matters

I had another argument this evening with my dad. My mom's been bugging me to see an endocrinologist and now my dad is getting in on the act. His uncle recently died and almost had to have a leg amputated, so now he's afraid that I'm going to become diabetic and have to have my leg cut off.

I worry about these things, too, and do plan to see a doctor ... eventually. But I'd like to lose some weight first. I guess it's hard to understand where I'm coming from if you're not obese or have never had to deal with a doctor discussing your weight. I hate it. I hate getting the patronizing talk about how I need to lose weight now and it can cause all kinds of health problems. The thing is, I KNOW all of this and can probably write a book on it. For me, going to the doctor and having them get all judgy about my weight is just as bad as getting a bad diagnosis. I know in my head that this is ridiculous, but I hate being treated like a non-person. When I was a chubby kid, my doctor gave me my first weight-related lecture. This was in front of my mom and it was so embarrassing. I ended up starving myself after that. Then there were the lectures I received last year when I was seeing doctors for my broken leg. I was already stressed and just didn't need it -- not then. Doctors seem to assume that if you're overweight, you don't know how to lose weight and that you're stupid. There's a way they speak to you that's so condescending and self-righteous. I'm not stupid. I guess I'm acting kind of stupid by avoiding the doctor, but I can't stand being judged and criticized. It wouldn't bother me so much if we could discuss my weight as a clincal thing, with no judgements made, but doctors are human and they're going to make them.

Anyway, seeing a doctor is on my to-do list for this year, but I need to feel comfortable before I do it. And I don't want my parents involved. My father's argument is that they're my parents and they're going to worry, and he says that they don't bug me about it too much. My thing is I blame them for me having such low self-esteem about my body and other things, and feel like my weight has put a strain on our relationship. This is why I don't want them discussing this particular topic with me. It's partially their fault that I'm so fucked up and have had a lifetime of eating disorders and fears of the doctor, and everything else. I don't blame them for me being fat -- I'm the one who spent all these years eating what I've been eating -- but I do blame them for making me feel like crap, and my appearance has been a big part of that.

Oh, well. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to think more rationally and will feel more confident about taking care of myself. But right now I just want to crawl into a hole and not worry about my health or anything else.

Keeping Busy

I did it. I signed up for Bally's and made a "gym date" with Karen for next Tuesday. Plus, my new workout clothes arrived and fit well. So it looks as if I'll be starting a new workout program. Karen has suggested that we begin with two days a week, which sounds reasonable. I hope I can keep it up for the long haul.

Right now, my motivation is to be fit for Greece, but there are other things coming up in the future that I'd like to be in shape for, too. I have three weddings to attend this year and it would be nice to dance at them, not to mention buy new dresses for the events. I have a craft fair in May and would like to be able to walk around and see what the other artists have made. Then there's Jon's 40th birthday in October and it would be great if we could take a more ambitious trip, like to Japan. In other words, there is plenty ahead for which I need to be in shape.

Happily, other areas of my life are going well. I've sold some jewelry and hope to get a place at some more fairs. It's a little surreal to me to actually see this business coming together. For years, I tried to sell a novel and that was a bust; I then recorded my album, which was mainly purchased by friends and family. Don't get me wrong; I'm very proud of the work I did in regards to these projects, but it would've been cool if they'd led to a new business venture. Who knows, maybe they still can. But in the meantime, I'm honored that people want to wear my jewelry and are willing to PAY for it! This was NEVER the way I'd expected my life to go.

Which just goes to show, that you can't give up -- you just never know what twist or turn will be ahead. I'm not anywhere near my goal of being fit and healthy, but feel as if I'm taking some positive steps, both physically AND metally.

Accepting Compliments

I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not, but since I've gained weight, I haven't worried too much about my looks. I like to be put together and enjoy wearing nice clothes and look neat, but I'm not obsessed, either. If I get a zit or have a bad hair day, it doesn't faze me too much; I'd rather concentrate on other things.

In many ways, not paying too much attention to my appearance is a relief for me. I mean, I used to stare at myself all the time and think that I was ugly or not thin enough or not good enough. Meanwhile, I look back at photos of myself from when I was 17 or 18 and I was a cute kid. I don't know what the hell was wrong with me. I don't think I'm ugly now, nor do I think of myself as being a great beauty, either. I really just don't think much about it. As long as I don't look ridiculous -- like I'm weaing pajama bottoms with a Hawaiian shirt in public -- I'm okay with myself. I get plenty of compliments about my talents or personality, which is pretty cool. The main issues I have with myself is with my physicality or lack thereof. If I could be average looking and in decent shape, I think I'd be sastisfied. I really do.

Don't get me wrong; if I awoke one morning and looked like a model, I wouldn't complain. And I do sometimes wonder what it would be like to be really attractive. My friend Scott is way above average in looks, though he's not obsessive about it, either. When I asked him once what it was like to look in the mirror and know that he's handsome, he couldn't really answer me. I guess we all have flaws and things about ourselves that we wish we can change -- even beautiful folks.

The point to this post is that when people do comment on my appearance, it takes me by surprise. Jon tells me that I'm beautiful, but I figure that with him, it's my whole package. On my wedding day, everyone told me I looked pretty, but well, I was the bride and it was expected. Every so often, a guy will hit on me and that's very unexpected for me, too.

Tonight, my friend told me that her friend, whom I met once, commented that I'm pretty. It's nice to hear this, but it seemed like a weird thing to say about me as a first impression. What's also interesting is that this is a woman who gave me the compliment, and women can be especially cruel to each other at times.

I think a lot of times I forget that I have an appearance; I'm just kind of a body that exists, trying to walk and live and function. I wonder if this will change as I lose weight. I don't want to go back to obsessing over models and feeling badly about myself, and I like the fact that I'm noticed more for my accomplishments than for being a beauty queen. Maybe I'll reach a point where I'm somewhere in the middle; where people consider me to be cute, but I'm truly noticed for the work I do. I think I can live with that...

Signs Of Spring

It was unseasonably warm today in NYC -- which was fine with me! After enduring the winter from hell, I was happy to have this balmy day. I don't like very hot weather, but I do love the spring. It made me happy to get a taste of it this afternoon.

It occurred to me this week that I've been going to therapy for about a year now. I've seen counselors in the past, but this is the longest I've ever stuck with a program. There are some days when I'm not sure that I really need the help or that I've changed much; but then there are other times when I realize that I've become a lot more calm. And it definitely helped me deal with my broken leg.

I'm almost afraid to write this because I don't want to jinx anything, but right now I'm pretty satisfied with my life. I have good friends, a great husband, a decent family and an exciting new business venture. The one really bad thing is my weight. If I can ever manage to get it under control, I don't think my life will be perfect -- not even close -- but it will definitely be fuller. And if I'm satisfied with the state of things now, I imagine that I'll have a lot more fun when I'm able to dance again or go hiking or walk around a new city without experiencing back pain.

This is why I keep going to therapy, even on those good days. I'm slowly putting my life together, piece by piece. I don't think it'll be completed until, well, I'm dead, but I'm going to keep building myself up.

Happy Valentine's Day

Back in high school, I hated Valentine's Day. I ever had boyfriends back then, so this was the day when that fact was rubbed in my face. I'd watch the other girls parade around school with their roses and teddy bears and chocolate and wish bitter, bitter thoughts upon them. During my junior year, I went so far as to dress in all black and wear a black "Valentine veil." I thought I was edgy. In reality, I looked like a witch.

Then I met Jon and on Valentine's Day, 1999, he asked me to marry him. I, of course, said yes and the rest is history ... or is it? I'm still not gung ho over Valentine's Day. I never make a big deal out of it and don't feel as if we have to dedicate one day to love. On the other hand, I don't hate it, either. It is nice to remember the people in your life who love you, like your friends and family. It's easy to get caught up in the romantic aspect of V-Day, but one thing I've learned from being married 10-plus years is that ALL types of love are important.

To bring this back to the theme of this blog -- weight loss -- I'm still trying to keep from substituting love with food. Habits are hard to break, but I'm getting there, and on this V-day, I feel lucky. I may not be thin or beautiful, but I have a lot to look forward to, as well. On this holiday of candies and chocolates, I'm proud to say that I concentrated on that and didn't go overboard. Remember, love doesn't have calories!

Looking Ahead

Now that the new year has taken off, I'm making a point to be more active --even if it just means going to a movie or getting out of the house. I discussed my plan with my counselor and she agreed that forcing myself to do more stuff is a good way to get my energy back and then get into shape. So I started writing descriptions of all of my jewelry pieces so I can finally get my store going and also ordered tickets to a concert for Friday. I like having something to look forward to and I think by doing these things, it'll keep me out of "hibernation" mode. I also put on some jewelry and a new shirt when I returned to work. It's a small thing, but it made me feel good about myself to be a little more dressed up than usual. My counselor thought that this was a good idea, too.

Now that the snow has melted somewhat, it's a little easier for me to walk. I no longer have to take shuffling steps as I avoid ice patches and snow drifts, so I can walk more like a normal person. Just being able to do that has made me feel more optimistic. I'm also feeling less run-down, now that I had a three-day weekend. I heard on the radio that we're getting a minute more of daylight now and that will keep increasing. Yeah, winter has just begun, but the idea that spring isn't too far off and that we'll get more daylight is making me feel better, as well.

As for my eating, I've done pretty well over the past couple of days. I had cereal with milk and a banana for breakfast and then for lunch today, I had low-fat bison meatballs (really good!) with spinach, squash, brussel sprouts and carrot soup. Tonight, I'm having chicken. I can definitely sense a difference in my body when I eat "clean." I'm trying to get rid of all of the salt and sugar and carbs that I took in over the holidays.

For Friday, I'm trying to choose a restaurant, but I don't want it to be about the food: I want the night to be about spending time with Jon and enjoying an activity in the city. We're always talking about attending more concerts and shows, so why not? "Have more fun" is a good resolution to work on!

I know that I need to get back into exercising, but I really just want to lose some more weight first. My counselor has suggested that I try Tai Chi because it's supposed to give you an energy boost. I've never done this before, but I'm going to look online to see if there are basic videos. I'm kind of a klutz, but she swears that the moves are simple.

So this is where I'm at today. I'm in a much better place than I was a few days ago, mentally and physically, and am glad that I've started blogging again. It helped me deal with my broken leg last year, so I'm not sure why I stopped in the first place.

When Fears Become Reality

Things continue to be, well, interesting in regards to that Marie Claire post. At first, I thought that the author's apology added at the end of the piece was a load of bs that she was forced to write, but it turns out that Maura Kelly really has had a long, documented history of anorexia. She was even hospitalized at one point at 70 pounds. Yikes.

That said, I'm still angry with the magazine for encouraging her to write the piece -- apparently her boss assigned it to Kelly after seeing an article on CNN about MIKE & MOLLY -- and am feeling sorry for Kelly. For one thing, what kind of crappy boss assigns an article fat prejudice to a recovering anorexic? And how much must Kelly b going through personally, if she got herself to the point where she was hospitalized for her weight issues? No wonder why overweight people disgust her -- she's seeing her greatest fear come alive right in front of her face!

I still don't agree with a word she said in her editorial, but I can at least understand what prompted her to write such a thing. Your world view can be extremely twisted when you fear something so much -- and fear that you can become said thing. It was definitely like that for me when I battled anorexia and bulimia (though I never got down to 70 pounds). I was definitely prejudiced against the overweight.

I still regret the fact that I made fat jokes against this chubby girl on our bus. To be fair, she was a total bitch and made Jewish jokes against me, but two wrongs didn't make a right here. But then there were the times I treated perfectly nice overweight people like crap. There was this girl in junior high -- let's just call her Evelyn -- who always wanted to sit with us at lunch and we'd let her; but my friends and I would make snide comments about her when she was out of earshot. She knew it, too, and was always trying to diet. All she wanted was for us to be her friends.

Part of this had to do with me being a stupid kid, but I know that a lot had to do with my own fears of gaining weight and being fat. I'd weigh myself obsessively and my mood would be predicated on what number appeared. No matter how good I looked in an outfit, I always noticed the "fat rolls" that popped out (which was ridiculous because I didn't have any!). Back then, I had the same stereotypes as everyone else -- that overweight people are lazy and ignorant. I wish I could go back in time and bitch slap the 13-year-old me!

The thing is, I didn't even like myself then. I HATED myself. I hesitate to share this, but I was 14 when I seriously considered committing suicide. So yeah, I wasn't fat, but I kinda thought I was anyway, and I was miserable with my own existence. What kind of life was that? No wonder I had so much prejudice -- it's difficult to feel love and compassion for others when you're dealing with your own shit.

What's interesting is that one of my best friends is gay and admits that when he was younger, he thought being gay was "disgusting." He's been out for 10 years now and has obviously changed his world view, but it was a similar thing in that he "hated" the thing that he feared himself being.

There are many things that I don't like about being obese, but in some ways, gaining weight has been good for me. I don't hate myself these days and think that I'm more compassionate toward others. I'm definitely less selfish than I was when I was younger and don't care quite as much about being perfect. Yes, I want to lose weight for health purposes, but I don't think that thinner equals better. For a one-time anorexic, that's a big deal.

It's pretty ironic that it took me becoming obese to become my best self so far. Hopefully, I'll take everything that I've learned during this time and continue to be who I am as the pounds come off.

A More Intelligent Response

Yikes! After rereading my last post, I can see how ANGRY I was about the Marie Claire debacle. That's me -- I generally don't blow up at things, but when I do, I get really, really pissed and let it all out. That's the great thing about having this blog; I can let it out here and not take it out on some poor, unsuspecting person.

Anyway, before I attempt to craft a more intelligent response about that article, let me give a brief update on myself. Things are going pretty well here. I'm finding it easier to walk and have been working on my eating. My big thing this past week has been to eat more vegetables, so I've been maing a point to have veggies and fruits each day. For lunch, I've been ordering in salads with spinach, carrots, eggs, onions, olives and cheese --and then having low-fat dressing on the side. Last night, I went to Jackson Hole in the city with Karen and ordered the veggie burrito, which was filled with broccoli, peppers, mushrooms, black beans, avocado and potatoes. It was seriously one of the best burritos I've ever had -- I was ready to marry this thing! But I figured that if I can stick with this one goal -- to eat more veggies -- than I can get back into doing other things I'm supposed to be doing: more exercise, drinking more water, doing a better job counting Points; losing more weight. Yes, there have been a lot of stops and starts on this journey, and I imagine that for my 10 or so followers of this blog that this is frustrating to read about, but I am trying and I'd rather keep TRYING than just giving up. I've been making an honest effort of losing serious weight for the past 10 years -- with some successes and A LOT of setbacks -- but that's better than doing nothing. I really do want to lose the weight. It's definitely the hardest thing I've ever had to do, so far.

Which brings me back to Maura Kelly's article and why it upset me so much. While I don't disagree with her about obesity being unhealthy, I feel like when people comment about the state of overweight people that many -- Kelly for certain -- consider fat people to be "less than." That our obesity isn't just a health issue for us, that the very idea of us being fat means that we're lazy, undisciplined, slovenly, undeserving of love, gross ... fill in the blank. That she's so disgusted by the idea of fat people being intimate -- or by them merely WALKING ACROSS A ROOM -- is hurtful and humiliating. I mean, was everyone disgusted when I, who was a fat bride, kissed my husband at our wedding? Should I not kiss my husband in a public place because it's too yucky for the skinny folks out there? Should I just hide until I become thin enough for her because the mere act of me walking, EXISTING, grosses her out? THIS is why what she wrote about angered me so much.

There's also the idea that she and many others have, that fat people aren't allowed to be happy. Because we have this health condition, our happiness means that we're PROMOTING obesity -- and if, God forbid, a smiling "fatty" is shown on TV in some kind of venue other than a weight-loss program, it's "bad" because people will think that being overweight is a pleasurable state of mind and follow suit. That's ridiculous. Yes, I am overweight, but I am not defined by it. And, in a well-written show, neither are the characters. One of my favorite sitcoms ever, ROSEANNE, involved two overweight characters, Roseanne and Dan, but the show wasn't about their size (though it did come up from time to time). It was about a typical blue-collar couple raising their kids. MIKE & MOLLY isn't as good a show, but it's about a couple embarking in a new relationship. And fat people do have relationships. We kiss. We have sex. We walk. We LIVE. Some overweight people are content with being large, which is fine; it's their prerogative. I'm not thrilled with being fat, but in the meantime, I don't want to hide -- and I don't want to have to explain away my happiness by adding the addendum each time, "But don't be happy like me because being fat is bad, folks!"

What also angered me about her article were the simplistic diet tips that she added in the middle of it (to eat less and exercise more; no SHIT, Sherlock) with the patronizing all-caps, YOU CAN DO IT! Uh, that's nice ... er, I guess ... but let me debunk a myth about most fat people. We've tried. Most of us have tried losing weight over and over and over again. Most of us can probably write books on the subject. We KNOW the basics and have sometimes even done extreme things to lose weight, but because obesity is such a pyschological thing in addition to being physiological, it sometimes doesn't work out.

Many, unfortunately, still equate obesity with laziness, and have this idea that we sit around eating all day. For me, that's definitely not true. In the past few years, I've completed several long-distance walks, included that 20 miler, I recorded an album, I've done a lot of traveling and am now making jewelry. I always like to have some kind of project going on and am rarely just sitting around. And guess what? Even when I did the 20-miler, I was obese. But I trained for it and did it. Kelly may be disgusted with the idea of me, a fat person, walking, but I managed to drag my jiggly ass 20 miles around the city!

Which brings me to my final point in this very long post. You never know WHAT an obese person is going through at any particular moment. To a person who saw me sweating and limping on the day I did my long walk, they may have just thought that I was some "fatty" struggling to make my way around Manhattan. The overweight woman on the corner could be recovering from an injury or a thyroid problem, or some kind of personal trauma that led her to eat her emotions away. The fat guy in the store perhaps has already lost 100 pounds, but still has 150 to go -- but is still obese as he continues his journey. Again, YOU JUST NEVER KNOW.

That said, what the heck is wrong with celebrating the accomplishments of obese people? Showing fat people who are successful at finding good jobs or love? People of all shapes and sizes deserve to be happy and we deserve to be represented.

Walk A Mile In My Shoes

Sorry for the long period between posting. I was knocked out with a bad cold last weekend and had some long days this week.

Things are improving here, though. I've been using the BowFlex and all of a sudden, my walking has gotten easier. I don't know if it's because my muscles are healing or because the weather has been less humid, but my limp has become a lot less pronounced and I'm able to go for longer distances. The other day, I met up with friends to attend the Sound Of Music sing-along. The theater is about a mile from my office and I'd planned to take a cab, but my leg was feeling so good that I decided to walk it! It took me 45 minutes and I had to stop a few times, but I did it and got to the movie right on time. I love that I can now count my distance in miles instead of blocks. I'll be trilled when I can do a mile without stopping.

As for my eating, well, it's been weird. I haven't been eating much, but because of the cold, I've found myself dining on very small portions of strange things. The other night, for example, I have two slices of cheddar cheese and a half cup of low-fat frozen yogurt. Yesterday, I had a veggie omelet with salsa, but only ended up eating about half. Tonight, I met up with Karen and had sangria and three chicken fingers. So while my food hasn't been the healthiest, I definitely haven't been overeating. In fact, I don't have much of an appetite -- and I hope it stays that way (minus the congestion, of course).

Still, Karen and I made a pact tonight that we'd both start eating better and hold each other accountable (which is why I'm blogging about this, K). I'm going to the Jersey Shore this weekend, but the people we're staying with are health nuts so there will be plenty of fruits, veggies and grains around (all organic, natch). It'll be nice to walk in the ocean air, too. The weather is supposed to be cool, but not cold -- perfect for fall. I think that getting out of the city for a couple of days will do me good.

I'd like to start walking more, too, now that I'm feeling up to it. Tomorrow, I plan to walk the mile to the rental car place after work. Then I'm going to walk to a further bus stop or subway station. It's been so nice out that I'd like to take advantage of the weather, especially since I've been feeling so cooped up.

There are some days where I want to beat myself up for not being able to lose weight, for constantly sabotaging myself. Lately, though, I've been making a point to remind myself of the things I have accomplished: writing, music, singing, jewelry making. And now I can say that I'm once again able to walk a mile. That's something to be proud of.

Things Are Getting Better

I think it's pretty obvious from my last few posts that I've been depressed lately. I get this way sometimes and definitely think that it's weather-related. No longer having a window at work is adding to it because I barely see daylight. That said, I need to make a point to go outside for a few minutes each day, even if it's just to sit on the bench in front of my office building.

I've been making an effort to get back on plan after having so much food this weekend. So far, I'm doing pretty well. My biggest goal has been to eat more vegetables, so I've been finding ways to sneak them in. Today's lunch was half a mini thin-crust pizza with broccoli, spinach and tomato sauce and then for dinner, I had a half cup of aloo gobi, an Indian dish made with cauliflower, potatoes and tomatoes. I enjoyed both, got in some veggies and have to say that I'm already feeling a little less depressed.

I actually wasn't that hungry when I came home today. My new order of artistic wire arrived so I was eager to get to work on a necklace that I'd had an idea for. It's going to be made completely out of wire and is extremely intricate, so I spent hours making the various components -- and I'm not even halfway finished yet. But I got so involved that I almost forgot to eat! Finally, my stomach growled loudly so I made a point to stop and have some food. Wish I could forget to eat more often -- maybe the jewelry making hobby will be beneficial in more ways than one.

Even though my eating has improved, I know that I need to work on exercise. I was doing so well when I had PT and now I've been slacking off. Scott suggested to me that I plan ahead and say that I'm going to do the activity no matter what, so I'm going to plan to do 20 minutes on the BowFlex tomorrow. I want to start doing back exercises so I can strengthen that and stop having as much pain.

Speaking of which, when Scott and I were talking today, he wondered what my back pain feels like and why I can't just push through it. I'll try to describe it best I can. It's not like workout pain, where you're sore, but you can still make the movement. It kind of feels like someone is grabbing my back and twisting it downward so that all of my weight is on it. The longer I stand, the more it hurts and I end up standing at a weird angle with my stomach jutting out to shift the weight. My knees end up hurting, too, and it eventually reaches a point where I start to go numb from the pain. If I sit down, even for a minute, that helps. Then I'm able to stand or walk for another couple of blocks before I need to sit down again. But if I put weight on my back for too long, it's uncomfortable. I don't know if a brace would help, but I do know that losing weight does. Right now, I feel a little stuck because I want to move more, but I can't do much ... and I need to move in order to lose weight -- which will help me move more (did that make any sense?). That's why I like the BowFlex, because I can get in a good workout and keep the pressure off of my back. When my leg was broken, I'd also looked at some chair aerobics videos -- perhaps I should try one of those again, especially since I now have two legs to work with again.

I don't even care that much about what I look like anymore, but I do miss being able to do whatever I want. The other night when we were out, I was feeling envious of one of Scott's friends because the guy had so much energy. He kept getting up and dancing around and was obviously having a blast -- and I wished I could just move and have fun and go crazy like that. I even mentioned him to my counselor when I saw her this week.

Well, it turns out that the guy has lost over 100 pounds! That's pretty incredible, especially since he's even shorter than I am. Knowing this puts things into perspective; I'm now less envious of him and am looking to him more as an inspiration.

Mental Weight

I absolutely hate when something stressful is weighing on my mind. Dont you? In my case, it's nothing THAT bad -- it's that assignment from work that I have to get done where the source hasn't yet gotten back to me -- and I am NOT looking forward to dealing with the editor in charge of the section. I hate feeling irresponsible, especially when I have no control over the situation. Work has been pretty good, but this one, stupid assignment is making my stomach hurt.

I'm still trying to work on dealing with stress. I KNOW that people have worse things to deal with -- illnesses, divorce, financial problems, horrible bosses -- the list goes on and on. But as much as I logically try to remind myself of this and work the problem out, it's haunting me. It'll pass. By next week, everything will be over and it'll have been completed or not, and that will be it, but for now, I wish it would go away.

I'm not sure if I'll every fully conquer stress. Some people just don't care about stuff -- not in a bad way; I mean, they care about their loved ones and the environment and all of that -- but some people just don't let anything get to them and can compartmentalize their home life and work. I've never been able to do that. I'm a perfectionist by nature and I care a great deal what people think of me. I like doing a good job at things anf take pride in it. So when something makes me screw up at work, I feel terrible about it.

On the upside, I am learning to deal with stress differently, and have not been bingeing. At PT on Friday, I really put everything into my workout and felt good afterward. That night, I met up with Karen for dinner and we had a nice talk. And then, I've been working on my jewelry. It's still a new hobby, but I like doing something where I get to be creative and have to concentrate really hard to get the work done. That's the best way to forget about things!

At the risk of sounding conceited, I have to say, I'm pretty good at making jewelry. So far, I've taught myself how to string beads and add crimps and clasps, and how to do basic wire work. I really like the wire work because you can design your own pendants, chains, etc. It's extremely creative and labor intensive, so you feel good when a project is completed. I made a necklace for Karen, which she loved, and made one for my mom; I've also promised a bunch of friends and family that I'd design jewelry for them. It feels good to be doing something that people appreciate and makes them happy. To bring it back to food, overeating might give me a temporary high, but it's not the same kind of pleasure you get when you give someone you love an everlasting gift that you made from the heart.

Right now, I'm going to work on some more of my creations and try to put my work problems behind me -- and count my blessings that my problems are as mundane as they are. As my mother-in-law always says, "This too shall pass."

Happy New Year

No, it's not January yet, but for Jews it's Rosh Hoshana, the Jewish New Year. I'm not a particularly observant Jew, but I still like the idea of having a new year ahead of me. It's a time to reflect on what I'm hoping for in the future.

Right now, continuing to lose weight and get in shape is still my main goal, but I have other things I want to work on, as well. Dealing with stress is definitely one of them, as I haven't quite conquered that. Take this afternoon, for instance. I'm late on another assignment at work because yet another source didn't get back to me on time and the editor in charge of the section was bugging me a little about it. It's not that big a deal because this has happened to all of us, but I became so upset -- like to the point where my stomach hurt. The good news is, I didn't binge; instead, I gave myself a pep talk and reminded myself that I always do my best an am usually early with assignments. But I know that my initial reaction didn't have to be so extreme. Everyone has to deal with demanding or annoying co-workers and I can't let it ruin my life and health.

My other big goal, which is more positive, is to work on my jewelry. I made four necklaces this week and they came out pretty well! I've gotten the hang of beading, but I really want to learn wire and metal work. I love being creative and working with my hands, so this is a goal that I look forward to accomplishing.

Other than that, things are decent on my end. I had a good session at PT today and the therapist says that my balance is really improving. In a few weeks, I should be able to stand on one leg without holding on -- and if all else goes well, I'll be wearing some fine jewelry pieces while I do so!

Home, Sweet Home

We're back home after enjoying three great days at the jazz festival. We heard a lot of wonderful music, spent a lot of time in the fresh air and at least I got a lot of exercise. I'm feeling pretty tired after walking up and down hills for the past few days, but I'm glad that I was able to do it. I still have a long way to go until I'm in any sort of shape to even do things like casually walk around the city for a length of time, but it was nice to be able to go away and do something fun without too much hassle.

I was hardly the only person there with a walker. In fact, there were dozens of people with wheelchairs and walkers, of all different ages. I guess I'm noticing them more now that I've been in that situation. There was also this one guy with crutches who was "crutching" up and down the hills with seemingly little effort. I don't how in the hell he was able to do that, but I give him a lot of credit!

My eating wasn't the best this weekend, but I stayed within my points and held it together. During the performances, we snacked on cheese, crackers, fruit and water, and then for dinner last night, I had a personal sized thin crust veggie pizza. It was so good! No disrespect to those of you from Chicago, but I'm not a big fan of deep dish pizza. I like my crust to be very thin and crispy and this pizza's crust was almost as thin as a cracker. Perfect! Jon and I then split a piece of cake, but I worked it off by walking up and down the hills for the evening performances.

One thing I noticed about even the small amount of weight I've lost is that I have less "insulation" against the cold. In the past, I could get away with wearing my lttle denim jacket in chilly weather and basically wouldn't switch to my winter coat until it got to be about 35 degrees F. But at night in the Berkshires, it dipped down to the mid-40s (F) and I was FREEZING! The first night of performances (we had a lawn pass so we were outside for all of them), I had my hands stuffed in my jacket pocket and was shivering the entire time. Last night, we brought a blanket, but it still didn't help much. I suppose that out of all the problems to have, this isn't a bad one, but seriously, how do you skinny people guard yourself against the weather? It seems that my days of being able to go out with just a jacket are over; now I'm going to have to layer up.

All in all, though, it was a great, albeit too short, vacation. I've missed traveling and really enjoyed getting away for a few days. Now that I'm walking a lot more, I'm looking forward to taking other mini-vactions and making the best of this fall.