Green-Eyed Monster

Now that I'm in my late 30s, I feel as if I'm going through a bit of a transition in regards to my friendships. I know that I've changed a lot over the past few years, maybe even more so than the time between high school and college, and when I was in my 20s. That said, I've made some wonderful new friends and have lost others. I'm told that this is normal, that everyone goes through this type of change, but it seems to be happening all at once. I tend to be loyal to a fault when it comes to maintaining friendships, so it always hurts when I lose touch with someone. Still, I'm trying to do more to appreciate the friends that have stayed with me.

One thing I've come to value in my friendships, besides stability, is positivity. I like being around positive, creative people who inspire me to be the same way. I'm not saying that they should never complain or be upset -- that would be ridiculous -- but the people I find myself gravitating toward lately are those who tend to stay upbeat, even when the odds are against them.

I think we've all known people who are "emotional vampires," who are constantly involved in drama and who tend to use their friends for whatever purpose. I admit, I used to be like this. When I was in high school and even college, I was depressed all the time. I used to whine about not having a boyfriend, not being pretty enough, not being popular enough, etc. Then I wondered why people didn't want to be around me! Worse, I always wanted what others had, especially when it came to romance. I felt as if I were useless because I didn't have a boyfriend and resented my friends who did. I remember that my now sister-in-law and her then boyfriend were up for the "cutest couple" reward on our floor and I purposefully didn't vote for them because I was angry that they were together and I was alone. What kind of friend was I? I was being jealous and petty, and wished she could be miserable like me.

I've felt this way when it comes to weight, too. Lani, my friend since childhood, has lost a lot of weight over the years, but when she first started dropping pounds, I - I'm ashamed to admit -- was jealous. When people complimented her, I'd be like, "Why can't that be me?" but she worked hard to get thin. And when I was training for the 20-mile walk a few years ago, I found myself becoming envious of my friend Scott because he rund marathons. I wished I could be as athletic as him. Again, he worked hard at being in shape and would constantly tell me, "Stop comparing yourself to other people."

Then there have been my reactions to others' life changes. When my sister-in-law became pregnant, I worried that she'd be favored by the family for giving them a grandchild and that I'd be left in the cold. But it hasn't been like that at all. Having a niece is fun and I've found other ways to bond with my in-laws. And again, I know that my SIL works hard to be a good mom. I've felt a pang when other friends have announced pregnancies, as well, but when you're a parent, you NEED adult friends. Yes, their lives may have changed, but I've learned to adjust and relish my "new" role in it. Kids are time-consuming, but almost all of my mommy friends also cherish the time they get to be with me or other girlfriends.

These days, I'm making an effort to not be jealous of others. It's such a negative emotion and it usually doesn't get you anything except resentment. Instead, I'm trying to focus on the things that are positive about myself and turn my envy into admiration and support of others. It's been great because, as cliche as this sounds, when you're happy for other people, you feel happier. I don't want to be angry with friends for having more money or a better job or whatever; I want to celebrate their accomplishments. In turn, I like being around people who have a similar outlook, who are happy for me when things turn out well.

I truly believe that the more positivity I include in my life, the easier it will be for me to focus on my weight loss. I've built up so much negativity over the years, it's literally crushing me in pounds of fat. I'm determined to fight it and improve my mental and physical health.

Happy Anniversary

It was exactly a year ago, April Fool's Day, 2010, that I broke my leg. I can't believe that so much time has passed already. I'm not 100 percent, but I can function and am getting stronger. I know that losing weight will help with my recovery.

I know it seems strange to call this a "happy" anniversary, but I'm grateful for many things. I'm glad that all I did was break my leg and not my neck; I'm glad that my job didn't give me a hard time about taking four months off; I'm glad that I had that time off to reflect on some things in my life, plus the time off gave me the opportunity to do a lot of writing and begin my jewelry venture.

The accident also made me change my perspective on some things. Some of the treatments I went through, like getting my bone popped in, hurt like hell, but I survived them. I survived the surgery. And for a brief time, I got to see what it's like being wheelchair bound. Obviously, I can't compare my situation to someone who is in a wheelchair for life, but I got a taste and it gave me a new respect for things many of us take advantage of. Since then, I've been happy just being able to do things like climb stairs or enter a restaurant or see a movie that's on the second floor. I still think about these things all the time.

I also find that I get less stressed about stuff, save for dealing with my parents. Before I broke my leg, I was thisclose to quitting my job and felt as if I weren't valued. Nowadays, I'm a lot more relaxed at work, even though I have more to do. This attitude has spread to other areas of my life, as well. When I'm with my friends, I like to laugh and celebrate the good things going on in my life rather than complain to them. Before I broke my leg, I was bitching to everyone about my job troubles and I'm sure that was tiresome. Now I'm making more of an effort to stay positive and to surround myself with positive people. In the past, I'd get jealous of friends -- because they were in better shape or had more money or had a new home -- but I'm taking more time to remind myself of what I DO have.

I'm definitely not perfect. There are days when I get very stressed our or angry, and when I complain about silly things. If you read through my entires when I was dealing with my broken leg, I complained often! But at least I've gained more self-awareness so that I can step back and deal with my problems. I hope I never break another bone, but if I had to do so, I'm glad that the incident had such a positive influence on my life.