Dealing With My Feelings

I'm really proud of the way I handled food this weekend. I've been overeating on my days off, especially at breakfast, so I cut out my bagel and instead had a bowl of cereal (that came in a portioned container) with skim milk and a banana. Then Jon made a vegetable tagine so I had that with couscous and homemade butternut squash soup. The only thing I didn't do so well was I had too much cheese, but next time, I'll think ahead and get pre-cut string cheese snacks.

Tonight I went to therapy and then tomorrow, it's back to the gym. My counselor and I, of course, discussed my argument with my dad last night. I've realized that the reason why I get so upset when my parents try to discuss my weight is because it takes me back to a point in time when I felt as if I were disappointing them. Back in college, they'd sit me down and lecture me, telling me all the things I'd lose if I were fat. I know they meant well -- I know they MEAN well -- but those lectures left me feeling horrible. I wasn't just fat; I was a failure. I hate that and don't want to go back there -- and whenever they bring it up, it takes me right back to that awful place. Most of the time I'm okay with myself, which is a huge victory for me and I dislike that sense that I'm regressing to a negative version of myself. I imagine that to most of you reading this blog that my reaction to my dad seemed rather extreme. This is the best that I can do to explain it.

The good news is, I didn't use being upset as an excuse to binge. My counselor pointed that out and said that I should be proud of that -- and so I am. I'm trying to find more things to be proud of. I've spent most of my life putting myself down and I'd like to finally free myself of that habit.

This is why I'm glad to get back to the gym tomorrow. Working out makes me stronger, mentally and physically. My goal for tomorrow is modest: a 30 minute workout on a variety of machines. Ideally, I'll do 10 on the elliptical, 10 treadmill, 10 bike, but it'll really depend on which machines are available. That's the beauty of belonging to a gym, though; you can mix and match.

Off to enjoy a slice of veggie pizza...

Happy Valentine's Day

Back in high school, I hated Valentine's Day. I ever had boyfriends back then, so this was the day when that fact was rubbed in my face. I'd watch the other girls parade around school with their roses and teddy bears and chocolate and wish bitter, bitter thoughts upon them. During my junior year, I went so far as to dress in all black and wear a black "Valentine veil." I thought I was edgy. In reality, I looked like a witch.

Then I met Jon and on Valentine's Day, 1999, he asked me to marry him. I, of course, said yes and the rest is history ... or is it? I'm still not gung ho over Valentine's Day. I never make a big deal out of it and don't feel as if we have to dedicate one day to love. On the other hand, I don't hate it, either. It is nice to remember the people in your life who love you, like your friends and family. It's easy to get caught up in the romantic aspect of V-Day, but one thing I've learned from being married 10-plus years is that ALL types of love are important.

To bring this back to the theme of this blog -- weight loss -- I'm still trying to keep from substituting love with food. Habits are hard to break, but I'm getting there, and on this V-day, I feel lucky. I may not be thin or beautiful, but I have a lot to look forward to, as well. On this holiday of candies and chocolates, I'm proud to say that I concentrated on that and didn't go overboard. Remember, love doesn't have calories!

Catch Me If You Can...

Now that my birthweek is over, I've been able to get back to normal eating. I did well this week, having a lot of vegetables and few sweets. I was very disapointed because the health food restaurant from which I usually order my lunch has stopped offering their brussel sprouts! Instead, they've switched over to their winter veggies, cauliflower and carrots. I ordered them and they were tasty (the cauliflower is grilled with ginger and the carrots have some kind of spicy marinade), but it's just not the same. I guess I'll have to get some brussel sprouts from the store and figure out how to cook them so that they don't taste like feet.

Yesterday, I ordered in from a different place and got a slice of spinach quiche with a side salad. I felt so bloated afterward! I've been eating less bread and fewer carbs and I could feel the difference when I had a heavy thing like quiche. I was ready to take a nap right at my desk. I'm going to stick with the "cleaner" foods that aren't made with flour and sugar and oil, or whatever else.

I still have a long way to go with walking, but I am getting faster and am able to move better. On Tuesday, it was about 40 degrees F in the morning, so I went out with my denim jacket. I have a heavier coat that makes me look like an Eskimo, but I only like to wear it on very cold days. It's big and bulky, and pretty annoying. Scott says that I look like that little kid from A Christmas Story who was so bundled up that he couldn't put his arms down.

Anyway, the temperature dropped about 30 degrees during the day so when I went home that night, I was FREEZING. I seriously thought I was going to be flash frozen as I waited for the bus, and no wonder, it was literally about 10 degrees F outside. Once I got off the bus, I was only a block away from my home, but I wanted to get there as quickly as possible. I walked SO fast. I mean, I didn't even think I had it in me, but damn it, I wanted to be inside. When I got there, one of my neighbors saw me coming and held the door for me. I guess she last saw me in the wheelchair because she said, "Wow, you can walk -- and you're walking fast!" I was like, "Yeah, it's a miracle!" But I now know that when pushed, I can speed walk, at least for short distances. I don't think I'd be able to escape a monster if one were to chase me, but I'd at least have a fighting start...

Birthday Reflections

Yesterday marked the big day when I turned 37. Overall, it was a pretty good birthday. Work was quiet for once, so it wasn't too stressful. In the evening, Jon and I went to a wonderful tapas bar ... where I ate way too much. It was worth it, though, because the food was so good.

Today, I went back to eating clean and healthy things. This weekend is going to be tricky because I have several more parties on the horizon, but if I stick to veggie dishes, I should be okay. Tomorrow is my karaoke party, so I'll get chicken teriyaki or veggie sushi and then on Sunday, we're going for Tex Mex, so I'll get veggie fajitas. I've been feeling good lately so I don't want to go overboard. Splurging on my birthday was one thing, but I can't do that every day.

What was really nice about yesterday is that so many people contacted me to wish me a happy birthday. It made me feel really loved and reminded me that the people in my life don't care that I'm fat. I've kind of reached a point where I don't care about my looks too much and my desire to lose weight is coming more from my desire to be able to do things.

Tonight Karen and I discussed joining a gym. We're intending to check out the Bally's that's near us. I belonged to Bally's ages ago and liked it, but am nervous about entering a gym again. The last one I belonged to was tiny so I didn't feel as if I stood out too much. Then again, if Karen is with me it won't be so bad. I used to love the elliptical and am anxious to try that again.

On the way home tonight, the cabby asked if I'm Karen's mother. Her mother! I'm six years older than her, but we're both in our 30s. It gave me a bit of a complex. I mean, I don't yet have gray hair, but I guess being overweight makes me look older. Yet another reason why being obese sucks. Still, Karen had fun calling me "Mom." Haha. Once I get back onto the elliptical this "Mom" should be able to keep up with those youngins....

Out of Control

Despite my fears, thing went well last night at my friend's get together. I didn't drink much, as usual, but I still felt as if I were part of the conversation at dinner and we had fun hanging out at the piano bar. My friend Lani stayed over and I taught her how to make jewelry today; all in all, it was a nice weekend.

Unfortunately, my leg and back were really bothering me and my eating was less than stellar. Last night, I could barely walk a block without experiencing excruciating back pain. It hurt like hell when I walked and it even hurt when I was sitting. I hate to say it, but I found myself missing the wheelchair. When I was in the chair, I didn't have to deal with my back hurting; I could relax and enjoy the world around me, and I was pain free.

Of course, I want to be mobile, but I'm not really there yet as my world is still very small. That said, I did not walk the half mile from the restaurant to the bar last night and ended up taking a cab. Honestly, I didn't have a choice. At one point, I considered just going home so I wouldn't have to deal with moving, but I'm glad I stuck it out.

I know that I can't really use my leg as an excuse for my back pain anymore, and that my weight is the culprit. It's what caused the pain before I broke my leg and now I'm hurting again. And my eating's been crap lately. I've been having more and more carbs and I really overindulged today. Jon made a homemade dinner from a Spanish cookbook and served us chicken with safron sauce, almond soup and Spanish potatoes. Everything was delicious, but I kept having potatoes. I also ate almost the whole cake and had three glasses of orange juice.

I don't know what's wrong with me and why I keep sabotaging myself. I mean, it's just food. All I have to do is eat less of it and I'll lose weight, and my back pain will go away. But I can't seem to be able to stay on a plan; as soon as I start doing well, I fall apart. Even worse, I find it's like a vicious circle; when I start gaining weight, I want to move less, then I'm like, "Who cares?", feel depressed and eat more. I know it makes no sense, but that's sort of how I feel right now. I honestly wish I don't have to move again and that I can just stay in bed -- or that I can take pills that put me to sleep until I lose enough weight so that my back pain goes away. It's easy for people who are not in my situation to say I'm lazy, but it's not laziness that's stopping me; it's the fact that when I walk more than a few feet or stand for more than about five minutes, I feel as if someone is sticking a knife in my back. It's hard to find the motivation to walk or exercise when your whole body hurts. I've done hard workouts before where my muscles ached, but it was a "good" pain -- it let me know that I'd done a good job. This is different, where it's keeping me from functioning.

I'm going to try to eat better tomorrow and see if I can knock some more pounds off. I wish that just 20 or so would magically disappear, just so that I can walk comfortably and find the energy to do other things. Unfortunately, that's not going to happen, so I'm going to have to deal with another week of commuting and walking and standing while waiting for the bus ... and yet more back pain. I can't stand this.

Full Of &*%$

When I first started this blog, I made a promise to myself that I would be honest about having any major slip-ups, so here goes: I did not do so well with my eating this weekend. I'm not sure why -- maybe because my mom angered me or because I have PMS, or hell, maybe I've just been hungry -- but I ate a lot of junk that I shouldn't have.

Yesterday, was the worst. We went to see The Social Network (which was a fantastic movie, but I digress) and I got Reese's Pieces at the candy counter. Truthfully, I wasn't even that hungry at the time, but it was a long movie and I felt like doing *something* other than just sitting there for 2 1/2 hours.

We then went to one of our favorite restaurants, Santa Fe, which is a Tex Mex place. Usually, I get the veggie fajitas, but this time, I ordered the veggie burrito. What's the difference? The burrito has cheese and sauce on it, and comes with beans, while the fajitas are a lot more plain. After, Jon and I shared their huge cookie sundae.

By the time, we left, I had a bad stomach ache and even worse, I didn't sleep well last night. I awoke in the middle of the night to one of my sleep apnea episodes -- and I haven't had one of those in MONTHS. If there was anything telling me to get the hell back on track, it was that.

Still, I've been forcing myself to find some good in all this. For starters, there were only three servings of candy in the bag I got at the movies. Not great, but not the end of the world, either. It wasn't like I ate one of those one-pound bags of M&Ms (which I probably could finish, if I really wanted). As for dinner, no, the burrito was not the healthiest choice, but it wasn't entirely UNHEALTHY, either: it was stuffed with zucchini, broccoli, mushrooms and tomatoes, so I was getting some vegetables into my meal. And no, ordering a sundae was not smart, either, but together, Jon and I only ate about a third and he points out that I mostly had the whipped cream.

The good news is, I got back on track today. My in-laws surprised us with a visit to the city and took us out to lunch. But we went to a diner so I was able to get a Spanish omelet, filled with tomatoes, peppers, onions and carrots. I then had a small dinner of cheese, fruit and a roll with low-fat cream cheese. We did some walking today when we went out, so I got some exercise and I spent the rest of my day making jewelry. I brushed my teeth early so that I'd force myself to stop eating around 7 p.m.

I guess all I can do is learn from my mistakes and plan better the next time we go out. Instead of getting candy at the movie counter (which is expensive, anyway), I'll bring some mints or string cheese to nosh on. And when we go out, I'll allow myself ONE indulgence; if I'm going to order something that's pretty fattening like a burrito covered in cheese, I won't get dessert -- even if it's shared. If I'm craving a dessert, I'll stick with a lower-fat dinner option. This way, I won't feel like I'm depriving myself, but won't go overboard, either.

I can't turn back time and fix yesterday, but I can "fix" tomorrow, and am already anticipating what I'll do to take care of myself. I'm hardly the first person -- fat OR thin -- to have a not-so-healthy eating day. All I can do is try again tomorrow.

Almost Famous

While I was growing up, I always kept a dream alive for those times when I felt alone or was picked on or thought that I was a freak: I'd tell myself that someday my differences would work for me and I'd be a great success. I'd make more money than the bullies who tormented me and would be a household name. I'd be famous -- and all of those people who'd ever treated me as if I were "less than" would be sorry.

Fast forward many years later and this dream still hasn't come true, at least not on the scale that I'd hoped for in my youth. I write for a well-known publication, play with a band and released a CD, but I'm most definitely not a household name. Until recently, this bothered me -- and I treated myself as if I were "less than" because I wasn't living up to some ridiculous goal that I set for myself when I was a kid.

Back in high school, I perforfmed with the band and orchestra -- and played three instruments, no less: the flute, tenor sax and clarinet. But as much as I loved music, I was in it for the awards that they gave out at school each year, and was disappointed when I didn't get anything.

Around 2003, I wrote a novel for teen readers. I was really proud of the work I did and managed to get a literary agent -- and almost sold it twice. But it wasn't quite right for what the editors of the various publishing houses seemed to want, and a sale never happened. I wrote a second novel -- which I liked -- but my agent hated it. She dumped me.

I was so bummed about this, not only because I believed in my work (and because rejection sucks), but because it was delaying my dream of becoming the next Judy Blume or Meg Cabot. I wanted to be an iconic author whom millions looked up to -- and whose work was turned into movies, like Harry Potter. I even knew which actors I wanted to cast as certain characters!

Having big goals is great, but when they become so big, anything else doesn't seem like it's worth much. Because I had this terrible attitude, I denied myself a lot of joy along the way -- the joy of playing music, the joy of writing. I was so into seeking others' approval that I saw myself as a "failure" and it left me bitter.

The point of this post is that I think this is yet another reason why I'm obese. Being full of regrets and disappointments has left many voids in my life -- and I often filled them with food. On those days when I realized I wouldn't be the Great American Novelist, I stuffed myself with cookies and during those times when I acknowledged that I wouldn't be a zillionaire, I crammed my mouth full of pizza or cereal. Then I'd have regrets about being fat and ugly and hopeless ... and the cycle would begin again.

The good news is, I've learned to let go of certain dreams and find new ones along the way. After getting so many rejections from publishers, I decided to complete a project just for fun -- just for ME -- and put together my CD. I'm not a rock star or anything like that and wasn't trying to be one, but I loved the challenge and had a great time producing the album. Only a handful of people have heard it, but I'm really proud of the work that I did -- and that's what matters. Not that I've never become as famous a flute player as James Gallway.

I've also taken my writing back and am finding the joy in that again. About a year ago, I began doing some online freelancing, where I write about any topic I want. I also started this blog. Again, not many people read my work, but I love writing and know that this blog has helped me a great deal with my weight loss.

That said, I'm concentrating on finding the joy in other things: being with friends, traveling, writing travelogues for my friends and family, singing karaoke ... I'm even thinking of taking some art classes. I doubt that any of these activities will give me great recognition, but I no longer care about that. As I get older, I'm learning to appreciate the simpler things in life -- as cliche as that may sound. I'm recognizing the many talents that I do have, even if my writing and musical skills aren't making national news.

Now that I'm letting go of those things that were weighing me down -- in ever sense -- I'm feeling lighter. I think it'll be only a matter of time before my body catches up with my mind.

Mad At The World

Ever have one of those days where you just WANT to be angry with something? This is how I'm feeling today. I'm just angry -- and I don't have PMS so I'm not sure exactly WHY I'm angry, which is freaking me out a little.

For the most part, I had a nice day. PT went really well this morning and I spent the rest of the day at my friend Scott's house, where he hosted a wonderful party. The weather was gorgeous, the food was great and the company was friendly ... but little things kept nagging at me all day and the more I tried to not think about them, the more they bugged.

For starters, the elevator at the train station wasn't working, so I had to lug my walker down about 30 steps. No one offered to help and when I called Scott to pick me up at the station, he didn't answer (turns out he was in the shower). So now I was angry with him, with the elevator and with the passersby for not helping someone who was obviously struggling.

A few minutes later, Scot sent a friend to pick me up, so no big deal, and I know that the elevator breaking was just something that happens. I should've been grateful to Scott for getting me a ride when he could've just said, "Take a cab," and I should've applauded myself for getting down those stairs by myself ... but all of these feelings started to bubble up.

Once at the house, I needed to use the restroom, but the upstairs one was occupied and the grout was drying in the downstairs one. Again, I found myself getting angry over something that wasn't the end of the world. In fact, I wanted to throw a tantrum like a toddler (I didn't!).

Finally, I sat down outside and enjoyed a nice grilled veggie sandwich, somke veggie chips and salads. I had a few cookies, but stopped myself before I went into a full-on binge (remember, cookies are my weakness). It was peaceful and I started to relax a bit. Still, I was plagued with doubts about things all day. I was disappointed that no one, including my parents, commented on my weight loss. I found myself wondering if I was being social enough, since it was difficult for me to stand around and mingle with my leg still weakened. I was happy to see my oldest friend, Lani, there ... but she spent much of the time talking to other guests and I became angry with her for "abandoning" me because again, I couldn't really get up and follow her as she stood with people and chatted. I was angry with my husband for arriving later than he'd planned, and then giving my parents a curt hello rather than enthusiastically greeting them with a hug and a kiss.

Again, I'm not sure why I have so many negative feelings today. If I sit back and really think about things, nothing really bad happened. Lani and my friend Suzanne both made sure that I had food all day and the Lani gave us a lift to the station at night, so it's not as if she really abandoned me. It was a party and not her fault that I can't move well; it wasn't up to her to babysit me all night. Meanwhile, my dad told me that he wants to take my husband out to thank him for taking care of me after my injury. Yes, Jon's "greeting" to my parents sucked and was kind of rude, but he's a good man who's done a lot for me. As for me being social, I think a lot of other people were being quiet, too -- and many of Scott's friends came over to say hello. I mean, I was there for nine hours; it wasn't like it was going to be a crazy party the entire time.

I think that perhaps part of the reason why I'm feeling so low is because I pushed myself so much this week. Going out every night probably wasn't such a smart thing to do during my first week back at work. Also, I think that just losing the weight is affecting my moods. My body is in total shock right now with everything that is happening to it and I'm sure that my hormones are in overdrive. Plus, I'm now being forced to feel things rather than numb myself with binges. I recently read a great weight loss memoir called Hungry by Allen Zadoff where he shared that as his pounds came off, all of his pent-up feelings which he'd been "eating" away started to come out -- and though he was a grown man, he'd act like a teenager. I suppose this is what's happening to me; I'm experiencing every hurt and regret all over again ... so that a small thing like a friend talking to someone else at a party turns into a replay of me being abanonded my a friend for the cool kids back in high school. Or people not noticing my weight loss reminds me of how I always felt unattractive. Since I started gaining weight when I was about 18, I guess I'm emotionally stuck in high school, and I need time to catch up to being 36.

I know it's better to actually feel angry than to quell the sensation with food, but it still sucks. Losing weight is meant to be a healthy thing and this emotional roller coaster I'm riding is an awful side effect. I hope that I can get it together before my emotions completely spiral out of control ... because watching a 36-year-old fat chick kick and scream like a two-year-old would be a very scary sight to behold.