Good Friends Vs. Great Friends

I realize that writing an entry about my friendships doesn't at first seem like it has anything to do with my weight loss journey. However, since I'm attempting to improve my WHOLE self -- body, mind and soul -- I feel like it's important to evaluate my relationships and how they effect me.

In short, I've hit the jackpot when it comes to friends. Some studies were done recently where researchers concluded that on average, people have only two very close friends whom they feel that they can confide in. I'd say I have about 50 people whom I consider good friends and out of those, about 10 are extremely close friends -- the type of people whom I can tell anything to and who I think of as family. I even have one close friend whom I've literally known since birth. How many people can say that?

My luck with friendships has been reinforced for me even more as I've dealt with my broken leg. Several of my friends have gone above and beyond when it comes to doing favors for me. My best guy friend drove me to the doctor's and was with Jon and me in the examination room as I got my bone popped into place. Another good friend picked up my wheelchair for me. Another, who is a doctor, patiently took harried calls from me as I questioned her about some medical issues I was dealing with. And still another actually schlepped over an hour to the hospital so that she could comfort me as I awaited my leg surgery. Meanwhile, I'm getting to know a newish friend/neighbor, who's already offered to help me out in several ways; I forsee us becoming close, as well.

On the other hand, there have been some people who've disappointed me. I recently asked a small favor of a friend (whom I've done some big favors for) and was given the brush-off. I don't expect people to owe me for the things I've done for them -- that isn't what being a good friend is about -- but I was disappointed that this person wasn't willing to accomodate me while I'm in a wheelchair.

Still, I should make it clear that I don't think that this friend is a bad person -- it's just that some people are willing to go the extra mile and some aren't. I really hope that I'm the former. I'm sure that there's more than I can do when it comes to that department and I want to work on it.

Last night, I went to dinner with a friend and we had a long discussion about weight loss and my injury. She suggested that there's a larger purpose behind me breaking my leg and that in the end, this setback will lead to something better. She then noted that this could be a time for me to deal with my bingeing problems and get my entire body into better shape as my leg heals.

I think she's right about that, but I also think that part of that "greater purpose" also involves my friendships. Over the past few weeks I've truly been able to see what it takes to be a GREAT friend versus a good friend. A good friend is someone who you think is nice and who you enjoy spending time with. However, a GREAT friend is more than just that -- they're someone who you can count on for that extra something. Good friends are the people you invite to a party because they're fun to be around. Great friends are the people you call at 2 a.m. when you're dealing with a family crisis.

I really want to be a GREAT friend to those people I love -- the type of person who can be counted on and who makes the extra effort. I hope that no one close to me ever experiences a crisis, but I'd like to think that they can depend on me as much as I've been able to depend on them.

Photos Finished

Yesterday, Jon and I had our 10th anniversary party. It turned out to be a really nice event, even though I had to attend it in a wheelchair. But the restaurant (My Kitchen in Forest Hills, NY) did an awesome job catering and everyone raved about the food. Plus, it was wonderful to be surrounded by so many people who love us. I think in some ways I enjoyed this better than our wedding because it was a lot more intimate and I didn't have to deal with all of the stressful preparations that come with planning a wedding.

The only bad spot were the pictures. I HATE having photos of me. I'm kind of like Chandler Bing from that episode of FRIENDS where he could just not smile well for his and Monica's engagement photos. It's also hard to look at a photo and see how fat I really am, especially when I'm surrounded by my normal-sized friends.

This is why I always take pictures of the sights on our trips, but Jon and I rarely get into any photos ourselves (even though he's not fat). This is also why I love to video people, but prefer to stay behind the scenes as the narrator. This way, I'm part of the action, but no one has to look at me. I'm kind of like Charlie from Charlie's Angels -- you know I'm there, but at the same time, I'm invisible.

Well, since it was our party yesterday, I gave in and let some friends take pictures of me. I wish I hadn't. It was exactly as I feared -- I resembled a huge, melting mound of flesh and looked so so HUGE. Plus, I haven't had a proper shower in weeks so my hair and skin weren't too great. I know that in my friends eyes, I was just me and they jut wanted something to remember the day by. But for me, seeing myself like that was a horror show.

I suppose seeing the truth isn't a completely bad thing -- maybe I need to see how I really look so that I'll do something about it and lose the weight. But the thing is, I have been trying to and would prefer not to look at myself until I lose some more pounds. I feel the same way about my broken leg; I refuse to look at it when the doctor periodically checks it until it's healed. I don't want to look at bruised flesh. I don't want to look at fat, melty flesh, either.

Now before you go on thinking that I suffer from some sort of body image disorder, I don't. There have been periods -- even when I was overweight --where I was fine with what I looked like. A few years ago, I trained for that 20 mile walk and though, I was still overweight, was toned and in decent shape. I looked big, but not all horrific and melty, and was OK with having my pictures taken. I went to Disney with friends that summer and posed for bunches of shots with them, even though I was the largest in the group. I even have one of those photos hanging in my office because I like it so much.

But for now, I don't want my oversized body documented. Perhaps when I do lose the weight (if I ever lose the weight, which as I get closer to 40 is seeming more and more impossible), I'll look back and appreciate these photos of me from when I was larger. Perhaps they'll remind me of what I've overcome and how I don't want to get back to that size.

While I'm at this size, though, I want to feel as normal as possible, especially since I can't even walk at the moment. I can joke about being in a wheelchair, but not having my legs back is slowly getting to me. Seeing myself looking larger than life AND in a wheelchair makes me feel even more like a freak than I already do -- and it gives me a sense of what my future could be like: me, ENORMOUS, stuck in a wheelchair because my weight is keeping me from walking. Ugh.

So for any friends reading this, I'd appreciate it if you'd respect my wishes and not take photos of me for now ... or at least strategically pose me and photo shop me so I look a lot thinner. I know that it's difficult to understand what I'm going through as a thin person, but this is a serious issue for me and I need to be heard.

Interesting Propositions

First, the bad news: I haven't lost weight this past week as it seems like the "sick and stressed" diet can only work so much magic. But I haven't gained weight, either, which is also important.

The good news is that I haven't had a breathing episode at night for about a week (knock on wood). It will be nice if that never happens to me again, so I'm holding out hope.

Because the weather has finally gotten warmer, I've been walking more. On Friday, I met up with friends for dinner and a movie, and even though it was rainy out, I walked around the city for about an hour before we met up. Granted, it was very slow walking, but I was proud of myself for not giving in and taking a cab in the bad weather.

This weekend we had a hurricane-like storm, but today the sun came out so I walked for a little while after work. I'm meeting friends for dinner downtown on Thursday, so I'm planning to walk again. I used to love just walking around the city, so I'm trying to get back into that.

Meantime, I've been given two very interesting propositions. The first is, a friend of mine and my husband's has invited us to go with him to Peru in 2011. I've traveled a lot, but haven't yet been to Peru and am excited to see Machu Pichu, which are the famous ancient ruins. However, our friend then started talking about hiking the Inca trail and I had to give him a reality check on the kind of shape I'm actually in. Thankfully, he was very understanding. It would be nice if I really could hike around the Andes, but I need to be realistic in my goals and take things slowly. I'd love to get into good enough shape, though!

Then my other friend invited me to join her for a girls' vacation in Hawaii for 2013. She and her friend will be turning 40, and though I'll only be 39, I do have a February birthday like them. I love Hawaii and they plan to go to some places I haven't yet been, but already they're talking about doing all of these active things like taking hula lessons and biking down a volcano in Maui. Right now, I couldn't imagine doing that, but 2013 is a long way away. Plus, the friend who invited me has lost a significant amount of weight herself, so if she can get in shape, I don't see why I can't.

For now, my big goal is our 10th anniversary party, which is at the end of April. I'm kind of disappointed in myself because I was a fat bride and I was hoping that I'd be skinny for this. My original dream was to wear the wedding gown I'd wished I'd been able to fit into back then, but well, that ain't happening. But I did see a cute dress I like and want to look as best as I can. And I figure that the friends and family members who are coming won't really care, as long as there's good food and alcohol.

It's so hard to stay motivated, though. It's hard to battle food at every meal. I'm doing pretty well in my plan to eat fewer carbs, though I've been saving them for dinner. Breakfast is cereal, skim milk and a banana, and lunch is a big salad with a lot of veggies and soup. Then for dinner I'm a bit more lax about having things like pizza or pasta (hey, I can't give up everything at once). I'm finding that I'm craving the salads more and have enjoyed experimenting with ingredients. My favorite combo, though, has been a salad with oranges, cranberries, red onion and a fat free raspberry vinaigrette. Sounds weird, but it's really good!

I know I need to get moving more to really see a change. Hopefully, we'll continue to have sunshine and I'll be spending even more time outdoors.

Get In The Pool

Earlier I wrote about how I'd been nervous about swimming while on our cruise, but I finally went for it after my husband and friend Scott encouraged me to "Get in the pool." Later that evening, I spoke Scott's words back at him when he was nervous about doing a karaoke solo and urged him to "get in the pool" (not literally in this case), as well.

I think that "get[ing] in the pool" is good metaphor for how I want to live my life: I want to take more risks and then (hopefully) enjoy the rewards that come with those risks. Just as it was when I literally got in the pool -- the water was cool and relaxing, and I felt as if I were floating. I hadn't gone swimming in years, but as soon as I hit the water, I realized how much I'd missed it. That said, I know that my fears are making me miss other things in life, as well.

One of my big fears still is flying. I've told my husband that I want to book another trip right away so that I can force myself to do it more often. I enjoy traveling so the risk (flying) would lead to a reward (seeing a cool, new place).

I also know that losing weight and being attractive again is a fear -- a deep-down fear, but a fear nevertheless. That said, I decided to "get in the pool" tonight and start walking again. I'd originally planned to do it this past weekend because the weather was decent, but I just couldn't get up the energy to get dressed and go. But today I ended up doing a walk during lunch for about a half hour. I didn't go far -- maybe a mile because I had to stop sometimes, but it felt great. The sun was out, the weather was warm for a change, and it felt good to get moving. I think I function better in general when the sun is out more so I plan to do more walking in the near future. I'm already looking forward to tomorrow's.

After work, I had my therapy session. Things are going pretty well with that. I told her about my "get in the pool" idea and she liked the imagery. She suggested that I think about it when I come across an obstacle in my life. She also suggested that I take a more "zen" approach to things and not worry about the details so much. That's a little hard for someone like me who has an overactive imagination, but I guess it can't hurt to try. So I'm being zen about this blog, and whatever I write, I write. It doesn't matter if it's not Shakespeare!

Meantime, I'm looking forward to more warm weather so that I can hopefully "get in the pool" again soon -- literally and figuratively.

Scaredy Cat

If I could change one thing about myself, besides my weight, it would be the fact that I'm, well, pretty much afraid of everything -- and this seems to be getting worse as I get older.

I'm afraid of many of the normal things: bugs, heights, fire, flying, needles, but then I'm also frightened of many things that I'm sure are compromising my life.

For instance, my fear of not being liked is a huge one. I'm a classic people pleaser. I care way too much about what other people think and hate it when someone is angry with me or dislikes me. It doesn't even matter if I dislike the person; as long as he or she approves of me, I'm good.

That said, I'm terrified of confrontations, especially when I'm the one initiating them, because that means I'll be put into a position where I'm forced to say something uncomfortable and possibly upset the other person. Again, it doesn't matter if the other person is in the wrong; I'm just afraid that I'll either insult him or her or worse -- the person will come back to me with something even worse to say about me.

I remember back in college, I endured several situations that could've used a good confrontation or two. My freshman roommate was a thoughtless witch who'd have friends over at 3 a.m. or keep the radio on all night so she could study. She was two years ahead of me (but three years younger than me), so I usually let her get away with her behavior. She knew it and took advantage of me.

Then when I was a junior, I became the editor of our dorm's paper. All was going well until this really nasty girl decided to write for it. She was insufferable -- she offered to redesign the paper because she felt it looked like a piece of sh-t (her words, not mine), then printed an apology to the readers saying that the paper was a mess because I didn't give her the time to lay it out correctly. Again, I should've just kicked her off the paper, but I gave her that power over me and let her beat me down. In the final paper, my now sister-in-law printed hororscopes and this girl edited them in this really strange way so that she had jokes written in between the blurbs (don't ask). I actually stood up to her (sort of) when I ripped out all of her "edits" and put my friend's work back in. But when the girl called, I didn't bother to speak with her. I ran and avoided.

Now you're probably wondering what this has to do with me being overweight, but I think it's a key factor. My fat protects me. It helps keep me from facing the world and my fears. As I said, though, things only seem to be getting worse. I'm finding that I'm more afraid than ever to stand up for myself and when the night is quiet and still, I lay awake worrying about all sorts of things that haven't happened yet: What if I die young? What if I die alone? What if we lose all of our money and end up homeless? What if someone I love dies? It makes me want to crawl under the blankets and stay there forever because sometimes facing the world is about the scariest thing ever. No wonder I've encased myself in a blanket of fat.

My good friend Lani has endured her share of troubles, but she's not afraid of anything (except spiders). She'll try anything new and even went sky diving last year. I don't know if I necessarily want to do that, but I wish I could live a little better and a lot more freely. I wish I can find a way to escape from myself.

Mrs. Thighs Vs.The Chocolate

It's been almost two weeks and I've been going strong with this whole healthy living thing, but last night, I faced my toughest challenge yet: I had dinner at Max Brenner (http://www.maxbrenner.com/), a chocolate bar that's in New York City.

Those who know me can tell you that I'm a crazy chocoholic. I mean, I crave the stuff. I have at least one chocolate thing every day, but it's usually something low-fat, like a cup of diet hot cocoa or a Weight Watchers brownie (which are surprisingly good). In this case, though, I was surrounded by all different types of hot chocolates, chocolate cakes, chocolate fondues and even chocolate pizzas. Yum!

When my girlfriends first sent me the link to show me where we'd be meeting for dinner, I was going to kill them. Not only did the online menu have lists and lists of these delectable chocolate items and drinks, but they had huge pictures of the desserts! Huge, freakin', gorgeous photos of fudge cascading over brownies and whipped cream piled high over ice cream ... I'm not exaggerating when I say that I nearly cried.

However, I took a deep breath and clicked on the link to the dinner menu and discovered that the restaurant actually served real food. I then came up with a game plan: I decided to get the lemon herbed chicken with baby spinach and then share some fruit and chocolate fondue with everyone else for dessert.

I'm proud to say that I stuck with my plan.

The chicken was a little dry, but tasty, and it came with really well-prepared mashed potatoes and spinach. After eating about half of that, I was pretty full. Then for dessert, my friend and I shared a fondue, but we asked for extra fruits instead of cookies. The waiter, who was incredibly kind and helpful, happily obliged. I was tempted to get one of the chocolate martinis, but ordered a Diet Coke instead.

I didn't entirely stick with fruit -- I had a couple of marshmallows (the fondue comes with a little burner so you can roast them; how cute is that?!) and a piece of my friend's chocolate egg roll (which was served in a Chinese restaurant-style takeout box), but I didn't go crazy with the extras. Happily, the fruit chunks were enormous -- I seriously had to cut the strawberries into quarters. I only wished that they'd had a wider variety of fruits. They served the giant strawberries, bananas and pineapples, but some apples and kiwi slices would've worked well, too.

Anyway, when I left the restaurant, I felt full, but not stuffed. And when I awoke this morning, I didn't have that heavy "food hangover" feel that I'd sometimes get after a binge. Instead, I had a nice memory of having fun with my girlfriends in a funky restaurant. It was exactly the type of evening I always imagine that "normal" people have out -- they enjoy their meal, but aren't obsessed with the food, and appreciate the entire experience of being out for the evening.

I know that this was only one meal, but this shows me that I am capable of practicing moderation. Hopefully, I can keep it up for the long haul.

Frustrations

This weekend, I attended my first party of the new year. I feel like I did pretty well in terms of eating. I didn't starve myself by any means, but I didn't go crazy either and stayed within my Weight Watchers POINTS. While I had a few chips and a couple of M&Ms, the only real dessert I had was a small brownie and the only hot food I ate was a mozzarella stick. And I drank Diet Coke.

Unfortunately, not being able to binge has forced me to deal with a lot of feelings that I don't want to deal with, and I'm finding that I've been depressed. Beforehand, if I were having a bad day, I'd stuff my problems away with a slice of pizza or chocolate cake, but now I'm really trying to not do that. I'm finding myself becoming overwhelmed with emotions about certain things, and that I'm being rather hard on myself.

Take the party, for instance. A couple of posts ago, I was saying that I've gotten better at approaching people in social situations, but I didn't feel that way at all last evening. My friend was the perfect host and his guests were lovely, but many already knew each other and I felt kind of like the new kid in school. Usually my good friend, Lani, is at these parties with me. She's very outgoing so I tend to latch onto her as she mingles. Without her, I didn't know what the hell I was doing. My husband was there, but he doesn't worry about this sort of thing as much as I do. He was happily sipping his beer, chatting with whoever happened to come over.

In the past, I would've retreated to gorging on the food, but I didn't want to do that. So instead, I found myself sitting on the couch, watching everyone have fun, second guessing everything about myself. I'm not very happy at my job right now, so if people asked about work, I suddenly turned into Debbie Downer. I don't really have any interesting projects going on at the moment, so I couldn't even discuss that. And then, I'm not a big drinker, even when I'm not watching my weight. That said, I found myself wondering if I'm boring or depressing to be around, and I was beating myself up for not just going up to people and being like, "Hey. How are you?" It's making me think that perhaps food was a little for me like alcohol is for some people -- that it would give me that extra shot of whatever to boost me at parties and events. I realized that I still have a lot to learn when it comes to dealing with people and making friends, and I'm not sure where to begin. I'm hoping that by losing weight, I'll gain more confidence, but so far, it isn't doing that for me.

Speaking of frustrations, I really wish that Google would index this blog already. I'd love to get some readers and comments to keep me going, but a week has gone by and well, nothing.