Sunday, January 24, 2010

Bad Thoughts

This weekend, I did well with eating. We went out with friends on Friday night so we could book the restaurant for our upcoming 10th anniversary party and I didn't go crazy. I ordered the chicken parmesan, which isn't the healthiest option, but I only ate about a third and took the rest home (and then have about half of that for dinner yesterday). Like I said, it's getting easier for me to eat normal portions of food and not binge. I'm hoping that it'll reach a point where I no longer even have to think about it, but realistically, I think that food will probably always be the main thing on my mind.

Unfortunately, keeping away fromm my "drug" of choice -- food -- is meaning that I have to deal with my emotions in other ways, and I'm finding this aspect to be very difficult. I'm crying over everything! The other day, I was watching Titanic, which I've seen a few times before -- and I actually cried at the ending. I never used to cry at movies and now I can barely stop the tears from flowing. I'm also finding that I'm getting moodier over little stuff.

But the worst is when it's nighttime and I'm awake. Then I start having all of these thoughts about my health and my sanity, and whether I'm going to die young or go crazy. I feel as if I'm improving the health aspect, but then my parents always have some story about someone who know who's had a heart attack and feel as if they have to give me the details. My dad became annoyed recently when he reported that he'd been to the doctor and I didn't ask him how he was doing. It wasn't that I didn't care ... it was just that I didn't want to hear the details and then start thinking about my own health problems.

I understand that my parents are concerned about my health, but they'll often ask me, "Have you been to this doctor? Have you been to that one?" I wish they wouldn't. I wish they'd let me deal with things in my own way and just accept that it's not a conversation I'm comfortable having with them. Like I said, I know that they're concerned, but I am, too; having them concerned with me is just making it worse for me.

I know that going to the doctor isn't a big deal for most people, but it is when a) you're like me and you've always had a fear to start with and b) you know that the visit is inevitably going to end up being a discussion about your weight and how you can die and c) you could very well end up having something wrong with you because of your weight. I worry about this a lot, anyway, and I don't need my parents hammering this home.

I've been sleeping a lot during the day to block out everything. Today I ended up waking up at noon and then going back to sleep for a few hours. But I like things better then because everything's quiet and I don't have to think about life for a few hours. I wish I could be that relaxed when I'm awake.

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