Sunday, January 10, 2010


This weekend, I attended my first party of the new year. I feel like I did pretty well in terms of eating. I didn't starve myself by any means, but I didn't go crazy either and stayed within my Weight Watchers POINTS. While I had a few chips and a couple of M&Ms, the only real dessert I had was a small brownie and the only hot food I ate was a mozzarella stick. And I drank Diet Coke.

Unfortunately, not being able to binge has forced me to deal with a lot of feelings that I don't want to deal with, and I'm finding that I've been depressed. Beforehand, if I were having a bad day, I'd stuff my problems away with a slice of pizza or chocolate cake, but now I'm really trying to not do that. I'm finding myself becoming overwhelmed with emotions about certain things, and that I'm being rather hard on myself.

Take the party, for instance. A couple of posts ago, I was saying that I've gotten better at approaching people in social situations, but I didn't feel that way at all last evening. My friend was the perfect host and his guests were lovely, but many already knew each other and I felt kind of like the new kid in school. Usually my good friend, Lani, is at these parties with me. She's very outgoing so I tend to latch onto her as she mingles. Without her, I didn't know what the hell I was doing. My husband was there, but he doesn't worry about this sort of thing as much as I do. He was happily sipping his beer, chatting with whoever happened to come over.

In the past, I would've retreated to gorging on the food, but I didn't want to do that. So instead, I found myself sitting on the couch, watching everyone have fun, second guessing everything about myself. I'm not very happy at my job right now, so if people asked about work, I suddenly turned into Debbie Downer. I don't really have any interesting projects going on at the moment, so I couldn't even discuss that. And then, I'm not a big drinker, even when I'm not watching my weight. That said, I found myself wondering if I'm boring or depressing to be around, and I was beating myself up for not just going up to people and being like, "Hey. How are you?" It's making me think that perhaps food was a little for me like alcohol is for some people -- that it would give me that extra shot of whatever to boost me at parties and events. I realized that I still have a lot to learn when it comes to dealing with people and making friends, and I'm not sure where to begin. I'm hoping that by losing weight, I'll gain more confidence, but so far, it isn't doing that for me.

Speaking of frustrations, I really wish that Google would index this blog already. I'd love to get some readers and comments to keep me going, but a week has gone by and well, nothing.

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