Get In The Pool

Earlier I wrote about how I'd been nervous about swimming while on our cruise, but I finally went for it after my husband and friend Scott encouraged me to "Get in the pool." Later that evening, I spoke Scott's words back at him when he was nervous about doing a karaoke solo and urged him to "get in the pool" (not literally in this case), as well.

I think that "get[ing] in the pool" is good metaphor for how I want to live my life: I want to take more risks and then (hopefully) enjoy the rewards that come with those risks. Just as it was when I literally got in the pool -- the water was cool and relaxing, and I felt as if I were floating. I hadn't gone swimming in years, but as soon as I hit the water, I realized how much I'd missed it. That said, I know that my fears are making me miss other things in life, as well.

One of my big fears still is flying. I've told my husband that I want to book another trip right away so that I can force myself to do it more often. I enjoy traveling so the risk (flying) would lead to a reward (seeing a cool, new place).

I also know that losing weight and being attractive again is a fear -- a deep-down fear, but a fear nevertheless. That said, I decided to "get in the pool" tonight and start walking again. I'd originally planned to do it this past weekend because the weather was decent, but I just couldn't get up the energy to get dressed and go. But today I ended up doing a walk during lunch for about a half hour. I didn't go far -- maybe a mile because I had to stop sometimes, but it felt great. The sun was out, the weather was warm for a change, and it felt good to get moving. I think I function better in general when the sun is out more so I plan to do more walking in the near future. I'm already looking forward to tomorrow's.

After work, I had my therapy session. Things are going pretty well with that. I told her about my "get in the pool" idea and she liked the imagery. She suggested that I think about it when I come across an obstacle in my life. She also suggested that I take a more "zen" approach to things and not worry about the details so much. That's a little hard for someone like me who has an overactive imagination, but I guess it can't hurt to try. So I'm being zen about this blog, and whatever I write, I write. It doesn't matter if it's not Shakespeare!

Meantime, I'm looking forward to more warm weather so that I can hopefully "get in the pool" again soon -- literally and figuratively.

Frustrations

This weekend, I attended my first party of the new year. I feel like I did pretty well in terms of eating. I didn't starve myself by any means, but I didn't go crazy either and stayed within my Weight Watchers POINTS. While I had a few chips and a couple of M&Ms, the only real dessert I had was a small brownie and the only hot food I ate was a mozzarella stick. And I drank Diet Coke.

Unfortunately, not being able to binge has forced me to deal with a lot of feelings that I don't want to deal with, and I'm finding that I've been depressed. Beforehand, if I were having a bad day, I'd stuff my problems away with a slice of pizza or chocolate cake, but now I'm really trying to not do that. I'm finding myself becoming overwhelmed with emotions about certain things, and that I'm being rather hard on myself.

Take the party, for instance. A couple of posts ago, I was saying that I've gotten better at approaching people in social situations, but I didn't feel that way at all last evening. My friend was the perfect host and his guests were lovely, but many already knew each other and I felt kind of like the new kid in school. Usually my good friend, Lani, is at these parties with me. She's very outgoing so I tend to latch onto her as she mingles. Without her, I didn't know what the hell I was doing. My husband was there, but he doesn't worry about this sort of thing as much as I do. He was happily sipping his beer, chatting with whoever happened to come over.

In the past, I would've retreated to gorging on the food, but I didn't want to do that. So instead, I found myself sitting on the couch, watching everyone have fun, second guessing everything about myself. I'm not very happy at my job right now, so if people asked about work, I suddenly turned into Debbie Downer. I don't really have any interesting projects going on at the moment, so I couldn't even discuss that. And then, I'm not a big drinker, even when I'm not watching my weight. That said, I found myself wondering if I'm boring or depressing to be around, and I was beating myself up for not just going up to people and being like, "Hey. How are you?" It's making me think that perhaps food was a little for me like alcohol is for some people -- that it would give me that extra shot of whatever to boost me at parties and events. I realized that I still have a lot to learn when it comes to dealing with people and making friends, and I'm not sure where to begin. I'm hoping that by losing weight, I'll gain more confidence, but so far, it isn't doing that for me.

Speaking of frustrations, I really wish that Google would index this blog already. I'd love to get some readers and comments to keep me going, but a week has gone by and well, nothing.