A Little Bit Of Nothing

I think the cleaning marathon got to me because I completely CRASHED this afternoon. I took a nap on the couch, then awoke with the intent to go walking with Jon -- but just couldn't move. I felt as if a block of lead were holding me down.

On the one hand, I'm disappointed in myself because I really do need to keep up with the walking. The diabetes event is three weeks away and I want to enjoy it. I don't want to be whining or in pain the entire time because I didn't train enough. However, my body was obviously trying to tell me something because I haven't crashed like that in a couple of months. I have been doing a lot between walking, cleaning, preparing for my upcoming jewelry show and well, working full time, so I guess I needed a day of rest.

The trick to lving healthfully, though, is to keep at it. Sure, I might have had a bad day today, but I can't let tomorrow become another one. I'm already planning to walk or go to the gym after work. And I'm already at a point where I can comfortably walk three miles, so the five mile event doesn't seem that daunting. I have to keep reminding myself that this isn't a race; it's a walk to raise money for people like me -- people who have diabetes. Plus, I'll be with a nice group of friends. Perhaps we'll be the last group to cross the finish line, but if it's a nice day, we'll just get that much more fresh air.

I'm trying not to be so hard on myself. I can't be the perfect model of fitness every day, especially when I'm not feeling 100 percent, but I can keep doing the best that I can.

Signs Of Spring

It was unseasonably warm today in NYC -- which was fine with me! After enduring the winter from hell, I was happy to have this balmy day. I don't like very hot weather, but I do love the spring. It made me happy to get a taste of it this afternoon.

It occurred to me this week that I've been going to therapy for about a year now. I've seen counselors in the past, but this is the longest I've ever stuck with a program. There are some days when I'm not sure that I really need the help or that I've changed much; but then there are other times when I realize that I've become a lot more calm. And it definitely helped me deal with my broken leg.

I'm almost afraid to write this because I don't want to jinx anything, but right now I'm pretty satisfied with my life. I have good friends, a great husband, a decent family and an exciting new business venture. The one really bad thing is my weight. If I can ever manage to get it under control, I don't think my life will be perfect -- not even close -- but it will definitely be fuller. And if I'm satisfied with the state of things now, I imagine that I'll have a lot more fun when I'm able to dance again or go hiking or walk around a new city without experiencing back pain.

This is why I keep going to therapy, even on those good days. I'm slowly putting my life together, piece by piece. I don't think it'll be completed until, well, I'm dead, but I'm going to keep building myself up.

Next To Normal

We just got back from seeing Inception (a great movie, by the way) and had a fun evening. But what was really nice is that my outdoor walking has gotten so much better, even in just a few days.

Over the past few weeks, I'd have to stop at least once just to get from our apartment to the sidewalk at the end of the courtyard in front of our building. But tonight, I made it all the way without stopping. Then when we got to the neighborhood where the movie theater is, I managed to do a lot of walking, only stopping twice the entire night. The only time when things got really tough were when we were walking along a stretch of sidewalk that was at an odd angle. Since I'm still limping a bit, I really felt it!

I've been using the walker outside for extra security, but tonight, I asked Jon to hold it for me and then walked a stretch of sidewalk without it. It actually wasn't too bad, even though my balance isn't 100 percent yet. But where I really noticed a big difference is when I was walking up and down stairs. Before, I'd have to grip the banister with both hands and then carefully place one foot down and then slowly place the other. Tonight, however, I only needed to grip the rail with one hand and was able to go up the steps one foot at a time like you're supposed to.

I did well with my eating today, too. For dinner, we went to our favorite Southwestern place and I had veggie fajitas made with broccoli, cauliflower, zucchini, peppers and onions. So good! I had enough points left over in the day for dessert so we got a box of M&Ms to share in the movies. I only had one serving, though, and put the rest away. The movie was so exciting that I didn't even really feel the need to munch during it. I really don't want to have to give up chocolate, so I was proud of myself for being able to eat some candy and save the rest for later.

All in all, it was a good day, and a nice way to spend my last weekend before I return to work full time. I'm feeling better about doing the commute, now that my walking has improved so much. Jon says that my limp is a lot less pronounced, too. He believes that I'm having less back pain and more success walking because I'm getting stronger, but I think a lot of it has to do with my weight loss, too. Then again, it's probably a combination of both. I don't really care, as long as I continue to feel better and my world continues to get bigger.

Weight Loss Memoir Review: 703 How I Lost More Than A Quarter Ton And Gained A Life

In order to inspire me throughout my weight loss journey, I've been reading a lot of different weight loss memoirs. One of the favorites that I recently picked up is Nancy Makin's 703: How I Lost More Than A Quarter Ton And Gained A Life.

While I believe that anyone who loses weight and manages to keep it off deserves applause, Makin lost a staggering 500 pounds (plus a bit more when she had the excess skin removed). In her deeply personal memoir, she not only shares how she lost the weight, but how she got to become 703 pounds in the first place.

Even without the weight loss angle, Makin has a fascinating life story. As one of seven (!) girls (as an only child, I can't even comprehend this), she grew up with a very religious mother and passive father. Eventually, the mother took the family to Quebec, where they lived in a Catholic-style cult. Makin and her sisters were separated from their parents and forced to live a life of prayer, labor, isolation -- and were more or less starved -- while being governed by nuns who constantly called the children "evil." It was during this time that Makin began to sneak food and question her beliefs. Though her mother decided to have the family leave after a few months, Makin was actually sent back to the order a few years later as a teen -- but in a much more rebellious state of mind.

Makin's experience there, plus a failed marriage, affected her life and self-esteem and she eventually grew to be 703 pounds. She was basically bedridden and trapped in her home and couldn't even attend her son's wedding. However, after her sister gave her a computer, Makin made friends online -- and finally found something to be passionate about outside of food. It was then that she found the esteem and strength to lose weight. In the course of this, she also became a self-made businesswoman, running her own house cleaning business.

Makin's story is suspenseful and inspiring and I very much enjoyed her narrative. She never whines or blames anyone else but herself for her weight gain. She simply lays out the facts of her life as she recalls how she got from one point to another. I also admire her for forgiving her mother -- and even forging a decent relationship with her -- as an adult. She's a role model, not just because she lost so much weight, but because she's TOUGH. I mean, at one point in the story, she broke her ankle -- and didn't even bother to see a doctor. She just kept going about her job and didn't find out until years later that it was broken! Given my current situation, I can't even begin to imagine how she tolerated the pain.

Even if you're not trying to lose weight, this memoir makes a great read. But for someone like me who is, it reinforced why I want to be thinner -- not so that my life can be better, but so that I can enjoy the life I already have even more.

What Dreams May Come

One of my friends e-mailed me this article written by creative guru, Lee Silber. I found it so inspiring that I'm reposting it here. It's very long, but well worth reading. Silber's bio and Web site URL are at the end, as well. I've posted MY thoughts on it after.

The Ten Commandments To Health & Happiness

Copyright © 2005 Lee Silber

Have you ever had an epiphany or flash of enlightenment while you slept? Well, I was awakened one hot summer night recently sweating profusely, and not because it was warm. I was frantically attempting to write down the things that had come to me in a dream. This information was either being channeled through me by a higher power or I had eaten some bad food—either way, it seemed important.

When I awoke the next morning, I had scribbled the following ten ideas on a pad of paper (and partially on the night stand, too.) In the light of day some of my midnight breakthroughs have seemed silly in the past. These Ten Commandments to Health And Happiness are in the exact order they came to me in my dream. Since the night these thoughts came to me in my slumber, I have read and reread them several times and you know what, these principles of prosperity make a lot of sense. So, welcome into my head, I hope these help you as much as they have helped me.

1. HOPE

“Hope is the light at the end of the tunnel. Without it all we see is darkness.” —Lee Silber

In the movie Shawshank Redemption (a movie that takes place in a prison) one of the main characters "Red" says to his frield and fellow inmate Andy, “Hope is a dangerous thing.” As much as I love this movie, I have to disagree with old Red. Hope is is a POWERFUL thing. Having hope is what gets us up in the morning—whether we have all we have ever wanted and believe there is more good things on the way or, we have hit rock bottom and believe that things are going to get better. People who have lost hope are self-destructive (“What does it matter anyway, I’m doomed to fail”), self-loathing (“Nothing good ever happens to me”), selfish (“Nobody cares about me so why should I care about them”) and depressed ("I suck, life sucks, the whole world sucks"). People filled with hope are exciting to be around. They have a certain positive energy about them. They are motivated. They believe good things are around every corner and more times than not, they are.

What you can do today: Find a person who has done what you want to do or have and learn how they did it and what they had to overcome along the way.

2. LOVE

"A life without love is no life at all." —Lee Silber

We all need it. We all want it. We all spend our lives looking for it. This isn't up for discussion, it's a fact, we want to be loved and we want to love. Now, some of us can say we love books, surfing, Kauai or our boat. That's love. Some of us are romantics and want to find the love of our life. Others love to love and are serial lovers. You can love animals. Hopefully you love yourself. Equally important is that you love what you do for a living. Love is the thing that matters most for many of us. Even looking for in all the wrong places is better than having no love in your heart. I read a study by a researcher who interviewed people who knew they were dying and the common denominator for nearly all of those on their deathbeds talked about the people, places and things they loved. Mostly the people who loved them. The highest form of love is the unconditional love you (should) get from your family. Not everyone has that kind of love. But "family" can be a group of friends that love you—no questions asked.

What you can do today: Allow yourself daydream about what you would do if everything was perfect and you knew you could not fail. Is there some way to make this your new reality? Could you scale it back and live part of the dream?

3. COURAGE

"We all feel fear. It's what we do when we feel it that makes a difference." —Lee Silber

I will never forget the first time I parachuted. It was a whole new kind of fear. As we passed the drop zone in this broken down plane the instructor held my head out the opening (there was no door) and said, "See that spot right there? That's where you land. Now, get the hell out the airplane." Every fiber of my body said, "Don't do it." But I climbed out on the wing and then hurled myself into air. You know the ending to this story because I am here to tell it. What you may not know is that nothing has come close to being as scary as that jump. Actually, the second time I parachuted was worse, but that's another story. Even though I have never been so terrified, I have also never felt such exhilaration. Facing your fears can change your life—for the better. People who have courage can become successful entrepreneurs. Courageous people can become multi-millionaires when they take (calculated) risks in real estate, the stock market or in themselves and their abilities. Fearless people live larger lives than those who lack courage and cower whenever they start to move outside their (small) comfort zone. The key is to use fear to motivate you to work harder, practice and prepare more and then to allow it to race through your veins not as a poison, but as a positive force to push you to do more, be more and have more.

What you can do today: Do one small thing that pushes you a little outside of your comfort zone and makes you feel at least a little bit of fear.

4. DREAMS

"It is my belief that having a vision for your future and a plan to achieve it is what separates the winners from the losers." —Lee Silber

I was on a path to becoming a beachbum when I was a teenager. I took life one day at a time and put no thought into what I wanted tomorrow to look like. Then I found a book called The Winner's Edge in my high school library and it changed my life. The lesson I learned is that winners set goals. I set the goal to make honor role and had a plan to achieve it—to start attending class. Once I reached that goal I was hooked. Over the years I have developed and designed an advanced goal-setting system that has proven so effective I surprise myself (and my parents) with the things I have been able to achieve. For creative people like myself, it's important to focus our energy and efforts or else we end up all over the place. It is also helpful to engage both sides of our brains in the planning process. That means you write out what you want your life to be like (left brain) and then find images that visually represent what you want (right-brain). Whatever form your goals take (a wish list, a statement of intention, a dream board or a general idea of what you want—that is written down) you have done more than most people. By fast-forwarding your life you can time travel to your future and allow what you want to guide your daily decisions. Goals keep you excited and motivated no matter what your current circumstances are and give you a general direction to point your time, talent and tenacity.

What you can do today: Grab a stack of magazines and catalogs and start ripping out anything that inspires you and create a collage full of images and words that get you excited about your future.

5. SELF-ESTEEM

"Low self-esteem is the root of all evil." —Lee Silber

Many of us strive to achieve things for reasons that aren't always in our best interests. Maybe you want to impress a parent or your peers through an accomplishment. It could be that you believe making a certain amount of money or holding a certain title or degree will make you feel worthy. A great many of us have been brainwashed to believe that a big house, massive SUV and expensive clothes will make us feel good about ourselves. While these things can and do make us feel better about ourselves, there is more to self-esteem than just the things we can call our own. Again, it's good to strive to be all you can be and to be rewarded for your efforts. There is also something to be said for finding the people, places and things that we are passionate about and pursue those. That's the path to happiness and ultimately, success. Maybe the term self-esteem isn't the best word to use to describe what is essentially a feeling of contentment, of being sure of who you are and what you can do.It's a sense of purpose and a belief that you can make things happen for you and others. I do know that people who lack self-esteem struggle in all areas of their lives. A belief that you don't deserve good things to happen to you can lead to poor choices in relationships, with money and in regards to your career.

What you can do today: Make a list of all of your past accomplishments (big and small), leave a positive message for yourself on your voice mail, write yourself a nice note and mail it off or e-mail yourself a list of things you are proud of.

6. TALENT/SKILL/KNOWLEDGE

"We all have talent. We all possess a skill. We all know more than we think we know. What we need to do is find a way to do, what we like to do and do well, as a way to earn our daily bread." —Lee Silber

So many of us say, "I'll be happy as soon as..." Many times we have more than we think we do. I can't tell you how many people I know who are over-educated. They felt that in order to do what they wanted to do they needed an Ph.D. Sure, practicing medicine and law without a license is criminal. However, if you want to play guitar, but haven't started because you first felt you HAD to read music, it might interest you to know that Paul McCartney doesn't read music and that Phil Collins wrote out the horn parts to his solo album using his own unique series of dots and dashes. Many best-selling authors still can't type, spell or use a computer. Many great businesses were built by college drop outs (Apple Computers, Virgin Records and Microsoft). Learn all you can, hone your craft, practice until you get it right but then DO SOMETHING. It is the people who act that succeed. Are you a scholar or are you someone who makes things happen? If I knew everything there was to know about publishing, I would have been paralyzed by fear. I believe it was my lack of knowledge that made it seem possible to get published. Have you heard the term, "She's a natural" or "Man, he makes that look easy"? There are certain skills that it seems we are pre-programmed with. If only we could figure out what they were, we wouldn't have to struggle with things that seem right for us on paper, but are wrong for us simply because we aren't using our God-given gifts.

What you can do today: What is one area you feel you need to know more about to achieve more in your life or your career? Do something about it today. Buy a book, sign up for a class or ask someone for help. Then do something with this new knowledge.

7. PURPOSE/PASSION

"It usually isn't the most educated, most talented or most privileged person that makes it big. It is the person with passion and purpose that rises to the top." —Lee Silber

What is it that pushes people past what others think is possible? What makes a person outwork, outhustle and oulast everyone around them? What keeps some going through failure and financial hardship when others who were only mildly interested gave up? If you said "passion" you are right. If you said a sense of purpose, you are also correct. When a person has both, watch out. In sports there are always stories of players who hung in there despite overwhelming odds, injuries and setbacks. In the movie Bull Durham the character that plays the wise, but aging catcher ("Crash") loves baseball so much he simply stays with it even though he is stuck in the minor leagues. The reason ballplayers stick with it is their passion for the game and their sense of purpose—to make it to the Major Leagues. I have also met activists that are so passionate about what they are doing they are able to open doors that were closed to others. They are even able to inspire others and "evangelize" them to their cause. I have met people who floundered through life until they figured out what their purpose was and all of a sudden they were focused, disciplined and motivated beyond belief. If only all of us were able to first know what our purpose is and then have the courage to pursue it we would be filled with the same energy, enthusiasm and enlightenment that most high achievers and happy people seem to have.

What you can do today: Just answer the following questions. What is something you could study or do all year long (and nothing else) and not get bored? Think back to a time in your life when you were perfectly happy and content. What were you doing? What are you most passionate about? If someone asked you what YOUR purpose in life was what would you say?

8. SUPPORT

"Nobody achieves success alone. Nobody." —Lee Silber

When I was a young upstart I did something that changed my life forever. Even though I started my first business at age eleven and another at eighteen, it was something I did after high school that I think set me apart from my peers. I typed up a letter that asked some of San Diego's most wealthy and influential people if they would have lunch with me so we could talk about their success. I then made copies and went to Rancho Santa Fe's main street (this is is a super affluent area of San Diego) and placed my letters on the nicest cars I could find. I then went home to wait by the phone. Several people called and one invited me to his home for lunch. It turned out he was a major player in publishing. As you now know, this person has been very helpful in my career—as has several other mentors. Even though I am not a joiner, I am a founder. Over the years I have founded several clubs to bring people together to support, encourage and interact with each other. This also has been life changing. Also, through my books and radio show I have interviewed many successful people and many have helped me in a variety of ways. The bottom line is this, we all need help, support and encouragement from time to time. I would recommend finding a mentor or three, starting a mastermind group of your peers so you can exchange ideas and insights and finding a person whom you could assist in some capacity.

What you can do today: Make a date to either attend a meeting where there are people who can help you, you can help or you can help each other. Then show up and make the most of the opportunity.

9. DISCIPLINE

"People ask me all the time, 'How did you manage to find the time to write eleven books in eleven years?' The answer is easy, I made the time by being disciplined and determined enough to put my pen to paper day after day." —Lee Silber

Picasso was known for being a great entertainer but he always painted. Sometimes leaving people alone in his home to go to his studio. Hemingway was famous (and infamous) for his drinking, but he awoke each morning and wrote BEFORE drinking himself into a stupor. Jimmy Buffett is best known for his songs "Margaritaville" and "It's Five O'Clock Somewhere" but he himself is not the party animal he appears to be. He has written four best-selling books, recorded over thirty records, founded a successful chain of restaurants and his own record label. You can't do that without discipline. Discipline comes in different forms. There is the discipline to be able to focus. There is the discipline to create no matter what the distractions. Then there is the discipline to do something. Without discipline a very bad thing happens—nothing. I will say, when something you think you want to do never seems to get going you may want to ask yourself if you are one hundred percent committed. If it is something you want and should be doing then do it. It's that simple. Winners do what they say they will do and do it while losers just talk about it.

What you can do today. Find a simple step that you can take to get going on something you have wanted to work on for a long time but just can seem to find the time or the inspiration. Make this a micromovement—something so simple you can do it in under an hour.

10. CREATIVE

"By being an 'Idea Person' anything is possible. Problems aren't a problem, they are opportunities. You are able to express what you think and feel into forms that others can see and hear. By being creative you are living 'The Life' ." —Lee Silber

When I was in high school and college I often wondered what was wrong with me. I'd look at a problem on a test and see more than one right answer or I'd come up with several other options. I would have a hard time focusing in math and science but excelled in art, music and writing. It seemed I thrived when I didn't have to just memorize steps, systems or solutions but was able to come up with my own unique ideas. When I finally found myself in art school I heard a giant click. This is where I belonged. I was rewarded for being an "idea guy" and a "creative person". I think it is the ability to solve problems with innovative thinking that should be held higher than all other skills and abilities.

What you can do today: Is there a better way to do this?" for every task encounter the rest of the day.

LEE SILBER is the author of eleven books including ORGANIZING FROM THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE BRAIN. Lee is also the founder of five companies and a sought-after presenter. To learn more (and get a lot of free stuff) go to: http://www.creativelee.com.

MRS. THIGHS'S THOUGHTS ON CREATIVITY AND SUCCESS

The reason why I enjoyed this article so much is that it not only spoke to me as a "creative person," but as someone who constantly has to push herself to actually get things done -- case in point, losing weight. I'm very good at accomplishing short-term projects: to wit, in the past few years, I've written two novels, recorded an album and completed that 20-mile charity walk, but I seem to lack the discipline to keep going with stuff. I've been especially feeling this lately (broken leg aside) as I've tried to find something to feel motivated and passionate about.

I have one friend whom I envy because he's great at getting stuff done. He's accomplished a lot and while I admire him for doing so, I admire him more for the hard work he puts in to get there. He doesn't stop, even when things get tough. He's always encouraging me to not give up on stuff, but I have a tendency to not push myself that extra bit. I definitely think this ties in with my weight loss.

Some of it has to do with the fact that I feel drained from the times I have pushed myself. After writing two novels and attempting to get them published, it never happened. I managed to land two literary agents over the course of five years and wrote dozens or rewrites, but the publishing companies just didn't like my work well enough to buy it. Meantime, I'm really proud of my CD, but it hasn't sold as well as I'd hoped. As for my weight loss, I was so proud when I lost a lot of weight and could complete that long walk, but now I have to DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN. It's so daunting to think I have to go all the way back to the beginning when I was getting so close to being where I want to be. It's kind of like climbing Mt. Everest and then tumbling down only a few hundred feet from the peak.

That said, this time at home has given me some opportunity to review my dreams. I think that part of the reason why I'm so frustrated about not getting my novels published is because I was holding onto a "dream" that isn't really a dream of mine. Yes, I had two good ideas and I'm glad that I put them down on paper, but since then, I just haven't had a good fiction story in mind. I've known other fiction writers who've had their work rejected, but they've written story after story until they've found "the one" that sells. I just don't feel that passion and desire. But what I DO enjoy writing is non-fiction, I've found. Though many aspects of my job at a magazine annoy me, those annoyances mainly have to do with the beauracracy and not with the writing itself. I still look forward to doing interviews and writing them up. I also really like writing in this blog and I love writing up travelogues for our trips -- which I do strictly for fun. Many friends have suggested that I write a book of my travelogues, but I don't really care whether or not I earn money from them (though it would be nice). I write them because I enjoy sharing my experiences and I know that my friends and family enjoy reading them. When I was writing my novels, it felt more like work to me. I enjoyed putting them together and felt a sense of satisfaction when I'd finished, but I wasn't writing these stories for ME -- I was writing them in the hopes of selling something.

What all of this has to do with my weight is that I think that a big part of my overeating has to do with trying to "fill myself up" with something that's missing. That said, I'm trying to refocus what I want and what I really enjoy doing. I think that the more non-food related things I find to satisfy myself with, the more success I'll have -- both with my weight and in my overall life.

Something Seems To Be Working

I worked out six days this past week, only taking a rest day on Saturday. Meanwhile, I spent a lot of time cleaning and moving around in my wheelchair, which requires me to use my arms and good leg. I've been putting in a lot of effort in building my upper body strength. And you know what? It seems to be working.

I don't know if it's because I'm getting used to only using one leg or because I am getting stronger, but over the past few days, I've had a much easier time lifting myself into a standing position without help. In the past, it would take several tries and some support from Jon for me to be able to stand up and move into my wheelchair or from the chair into the car, but now I can do this in one, swift movement. I remember that the first time I saw my orthopedist, it took three guys to help me out of my wheelchair up onto the examination table -- and I still had trouble getting up there. But when I went today, I was able to grab the table and hoist myself out of my chair without help -- a really big change.

Jon says that he can tell that my arm muscles have become more toned, but I'm not sure if he's just being nice. I can definitely feel a difference, though, when I lift myself. I feel a lot more in control, a lot more secure and a lot more balanced.

Meanwhile, I got my final hard cast today -- a bright, neon pink one that says, "I'm injured. Move the hell out of my way, fuckers!" I like it. It did hurt a bit when my doctor had to flatten out my foot to get it in the proper position, but not as much as I'd feared. And the good news is, when it comes off in three weeks, I'll be moving on to a walking boot ... and presumably walking again.

I'll admit, I'm a little nervous about the walking part. Before I broke my leg, I was having enough problems walking because of my weight and I'm afraid that I'll end up re-breaking my fibula the moment I step down on it. Still, I have three more weeks to continue losing some weight and building up my strength. Going through all of this pain has taught me that maybe I'm tougher than I give myself credit for. But trust me, with this bright, pink cast no one will stand in my way!

To Lap Band Or Not To Lap Band? My Thoughts On Bariatric Surgery

I'm feeling rather prolific today, hence the back-to-back posts. Anyway, this morning, a very close and well-meaning friend asked why I don't consider getting Lap Band surgery. I've also been asked why I don't consider getting a gastric bypass.

Before I answer this, let me just address this very controversial subject in the overweight community and state that I am not against the idea of bariatric surgery. For many, it's a lifesaver. I also do not think that getting weight-loss surgery is "cheating," by any means. In order to undergo a gastric bypass or Lap Band procedure, you must begin with psychological testing, then lose a portion of weight on a liquid diet, then get surgery which can be painful during the healing process, and then live a life where you eat extremely small portions of food and take vitamin supplements. Along the way, you can also suffer from things like malnutrition, hair loss, stomach problems, etc. This hardly sounds like cheating to me! Patients who undergo bariatric surgery have to commit to changing their lifestyles, just as those who don't have surgery do. But the benefits are that you can lose a lot of weight fairly quickly and avoid (or improve) health issues that come with being morbidly obese, such as fatty liver or sleep apnea. I've heard of many success stories involving people who've had bariatric surgery and I applaud them. If they've found a way to lose weight and be healthy and perhaps add years to their lives, I think that's awesome. I really respect anyone who wants to make a change for the better.

For me, however, I don't think that getting a Lap Band or a gastric bypass is the way to go. For one thing, I hate hospitals. I was freaked out getting my broken leg fixed last week, to the point where I was seriously questioning whether I really need two legs (my parents and husband convinced me otherwise). I can't see myself ever CHOOSING to get surgery of any kind, especially one that's pretty invasive. I'm a wimp, what can I say? I have to go to the orthopedist today to get my hard cast and I'm kind of nervous about that!

I also can't realistically see myself sticking with the program that needs to be followed once the surgery is completed. Gastric bypass patients have to eat food in really small quantities post-op. This takes a huge amount of discipline, which I just don't think I have. I like food. I love going to the many different types of restaurants here in New York City and trying all types of cuisines, spicy and otherwise. Frankly, I don't want that option taken from me. I know myself too well to acknowledge that I'd never stick with measuring out every portion. People do gain back weight from gastric bypass surgery and I can totally see myself being one of them.

Plus, for me, I don't think that making my stomach smaller will help me overcome my psychological issues with food. Yeah, I may feel fuller sooner because there's less room in there, but I can't see it preventing me from wanting to binge when I'm angry or upset. That's in my head, not in my body. It's the reason that I've gone from being anorexic to bulimic to morbidly obese. The issue for me isn't just knowing when to stop eating or what I should eat; it's knowing how to stop myself from reacting to the triggers that make me want to binge (or in the past, purge or starve myself). My goal is to change my relationship with food for the better, not just lose weight. I just don't see myself accomplishing this by putting myself in a situation where I have to eat tiny amounts.

This is why I've been a fan of Weight Watchers or diets like it. I like the idea of moderation - of being able to eat anything, provided you don't go overboard. I'm still working on avoiding binges, though. I've been pretty good, as of late, and didn't go crazy at the party yesterday. But then when I came home, I ate through a box of chocolates. Looking back, I guess I was excited and reacted. This is the sort of thing I need to stop doing. In the future, I'll put the box away or give it away or something.

There are some days where I question whether I need to do something that will give me quicker results. When you have as much weight to lose as I do, five or ten pounds don't make much of a difference, and I wish I could wave a magic wand to make me suddenly lose 100. But I know that in order to accomplish this, I need to change my entire way of thinking, which no physical change is going to do for me. You can make my stomach as small as a pea, but unless I get a labotomy too, I think that this is going to be something I struggle with for the rest of my life.

Get In The Pool

Earlier I wrote about how I'd been nervous about swimming while on our cruise, but I finally went for it after my husband and friend Scott encouraged me to "Get in the pool." Later that evening, I spoke Scott's words back at him when he was nervous about doing a karaoke solo and urged him to "get in the pool" (not literally in this case), as well.

I think that "get[ing] in the pool" is good metaphor for how I want to live my life: I want to take more risks and then (hopefully) enjoy the rewards that come with those risks. Just as it was when I literally got in the pool -- the water was cool and relaxing, and I felt as if I were floating. I hadn't gone swimming in years, but as soon as I hit the water, I realized how much I'd missed it. That said, I know that my fears are making me miss other things in life, as well.

One of my big fears still is flying. I've told my husband that I want to book another trip right away so that I can force myself to do it more often. I enjoy traveling so the risk (flying) would lead to a reward (seeing a cool, new place).

I also know that losing weight and being attractive again is a fear -- a deep-down fear, but a fear nevertheless. That said, I decided to "get in the pool" tonight and start walking again. I'd originally planned to do it this past weekend because the weather was decent, but I just couldn't get up the energy to get dressed and go. But today I ended up doing a walk during lunch for about a half hour. I didn't go far -- maybe a mile because I had to stop sometimes, but it felt great. The sun was out, the weather was warm for a change, and it felt good to get moving. I think I function better in general when the sun is out more so I plan to do more walking in the near future. I'm already looking forward to tomorrow's.

After work, I had my therapy session. Things are going pretty well with that. I told her about my "get in the pool" idea and she liked the imagery. She suggested that I think about it when I come across an obstacle in my life. She also suggested that I take a more "zen" approach to things and not worry about the details so much. That's a little hard for someone like me who has an overactive imagination, but I guess it can't hurt to try. So I'm being zen about this blog, and whatever I write, I write. It doesn't matter if it's not Shakespeare!

Meantime, I'm looking forward to more warm weather so that I can hopefully "get in the pool" again soon -- literally and figuratively.

In Sickness And In Health

I'm finally starting to feel better after battling that terrible cold for the past week. This evening is actually the first in a long time that I don't feel sick or tired. That said, I did 10 minutes on the BowFlex tonight -- not much, but I don't want to push it. I've had a lot of colds in my lifetime, but that was seriously one of the worst I've ever had. I'm wondering if it was really more than a cold, like the flu.

The uh, "good news" is I lost three pounds! So being sick does have some advantages!

I don't want to gain that back so I've been making a point to eat more greens. One thing the cruise reminded me of is how much I like pizza. This seems like a) a strange thing to forget that I'd like 'cuz it's nummy and b) a strange thing to associate with a healthier lifestyle. But pizza can be a great way to get veggies in, if you don't overdo it. The cruise had a nice pizza stand that made the pies just like I like - not too thick, but soft. The slices were small, so I'd get two with fresh veggies on top and I'd have a nice, filling lunch. Today I ordered a mini-pizza from the deli across the street. I got it with spinach and broccoli and they piled on the toppings. Even better, they didn't overcook them so the spinach was still crisp and the broccoli had some crunch to it. I ate half -- and was completely stuffed. Plus, I got about two servings of fresh veggies in the process. A win on all counts!

I've been trying to eat more salads, too, and am still in the process of concocting the "perfect" dish. I've discovered that artichokes don't work well because they can sometimes be stringy; I love olives, but they're a little too flavorful and drown out the other ingredients; mandarin orange slices, on the other hand, kick ass. It may seem strange to add them into a salad with chick peas and onions, but trust me, they work really well as part of a savory dish.

But enough about food -- what I'm really looking forward to this weekend is getting back into walking, even if it's just for 20 minutes. It's supposed to FINALLY be spring weather and I need to get out of the house. Between the illness and blizzard, all of the fresh air I took in during my vacation has long since been used up. Old Man Winter has seriously worn out his welcome!

Karaoke Night

I stayed home from work today, and while I'm feeling a little better, I'm definitely not 100 percent. I had what I thought was a hot flash this afternoon and realized that it was a fever. So I holed up in the living room watching movies (The Time Traveler's Wife -- eh, too many plot holes and Night At The Museum 2 -- silly, but fun) and relaxing.

With all this time on my hands, I've been thinking a lot about the cruise and the best moments. I enjoyed seeing Key West and Cozumel, and being with my husband and friends, but for me, probably the best time was when we did karaoke in the ship's Xanadu lounge (and no, I did not sing anything by Olivia Newton-John, though I was tempted).

Though I'm an accomplished flute player, I love singing. I sing in the shower, sing along to the radio and especially love singing along to TV themes. I'm not a great singer, by any means, but I have a decent voice and can carry a tune. I've considered taking voice lessons because I think I could probably turn my above-average voice into a good voice, but I feel that singing is for fun while the flute is something I take more seriously. So while my impossible dream is to star in a Broadway show, I realize that won't happen because I can't dance or act, and don't sing well enough, I can live out that dream by singing show tunes.

For this reason, I looove karaoke. I love performing in general, but with the flute, tthere's a certain amount of pressure on me because people expect me to be good. People don't invite me to play at their weddings or with their bands so that I can goof around. But with karaoke, I can do that. I can sing whatever I want and be as crazy and uninhibited as I want ... and people will still cheer for me and treat me like a rock star -- even if I suck.

I really don't suck, though, if I pick the right type of song for my voice, which is a really low song. I am an alto with a voice that's deep enough to almost be a male tenor. I always enjoyed hearing Dorothy sing on The Golden Girls because portrayer Bea Arthur's voice was similar to mine -- deep and kind of raspy. While I don't have the chops to belt out Broadway tunes that span five octaves, I sound pretty good singing smoky jazz tunes or other songs that go low enough.

Luckily, my travel companions also like karaoke so we went for two nights in a row. The first night, I did songs with Jon and then Scott, and then the three of us sang. However, the guys wouldn't really agree with me on songs so we didn't exactly do ones that were great for my range. Jon and I sang Africa and then Scott and I did Obla-di Obla-da (though I wanted to do I Wanna Hold Your Hand because I do a kick-ass harmony on it, but Scott refused). The three of us then did Scenes From An Italian Restaurant, which was a little too long and nearly put the audience in a coma. Still, we had a great time and it was fun listening to everyone else.

However, the next night I chose to go solo. My first pick, Upside Down, was okay, but a little shaky on the high notes because I hadn't warmed up my voice enough. But the next two I did -- These Boots Were Made For Walking and Fever -- I, dare I say without sounding conceited, nailed. They were just in the right octave and key for me, my nasal passages were clear, my voice was warmed up and I was feeling confident, so I managed to hit all of the notes. On those two songs, I actually sounded like an experienced singer. Everyone was looking at me and cheered me loudly when I finished, but the attention was welcome. I was being regarded because the crowd admired me -- not because I was the largest woman in the room.

I suppose you're wondering what on earth this has to do with my weight-loss journey, but I guess what I want to get out of this whole thing is that *feeling* I had while doing karaoke that night -- that confidence, that ease at being who I am, that sense of being able to let everything go and have fun and not care what people think ... but then feeling successful, anyway. I want to feel as free as I did that evening -- even when I'm not on the stage.

Home, Sweet, Home

Well, I'm back from the cruise and I'm happy to say that I had a really nice time. It wasn't quite as relaxing as I'd hoped because it was cold for the Caribbean, but I still enjoyed it.

In terms of eating, I did pretty well and while I didn't lose any weight during the week, I did maintain. You can easily eat 24/7 on a cruise -- there are midnight buffets, all-night pizza stands, treats around every corner -- but I really worked hard to watch portions. I stayed away from any of these midnight offerings and stuck to three decent-sized meals -- and that was it. I drank more than usual, but having one alcoholic beverage per day wasn't too bad compared to a lot of other people on that ship.

One thing I liked about the food at dinner was that the portions were reasonable. I expected huge bowls of pasta and giant steaks, but it wasn't like that at all. Instead, the portions were moderate -- enough to fill you up, but not make you feel stuffed -- and on each menu, there were low-calorie "spa" options. Each night, I ordered a soup with vegetables (my favorites were the gazpacho and the chill asparagus soups) and then usually chicken for my main entry. After, I had some dessert, but tried to incorporate fruit into it. For instance, one night I had a small scoop of vanilla ice cream with a fruit plate. On the day that I ordered the souffle, the waiters suddenly decided to celebrate my birthday (which had been two weeks before; I guess they celebrate all February birthdays this month no matter when they are), so I also ended up with a slice of black forrest cake that I didn't ask for. But I took a few bites and then left the rest over. By the way, I've learned that I really don't like souffle.

I was also much more active on this trip than I've been in a while. Though I've been BowFlex-ing, I haven't done miles of walking. I got to do that here. It was hard -- my back hurt and I had to stop frequently, which I'm sure annoyed my travel companions (though they never complained). But we walked all around South Beach on Sunday, all over Key West on Tuesday and then explored some ruins in Cozumel on Thursday. So I got in three good days of exercise.

One other thing I'm proud of is that I got into the pool. I was a little self-conscious about wearing a bathing suit in public, but no one seemed to care about how I looked. I then wanted to actually swim, but because my center of gravity is off (this is what happens when you have a huge stomach pulling all your weight forward), going down steps and ladders often feels uncomfortable. That said, I was afraid I'd slip into the pool and hit my head. But I managed to get in and then later get out without incident. I realize this doesn't sound like a big accomplishment, but it was for me.

Now that we're home, I've been battling a horrible cold, one of the worst I've had in a long time. I've had a fever on and off and am now developing a cough. Needless to say, my eating has been spotty this week -- lots of soup, toast and low-fat frozen yogurt. The meal of a champion!

But after doing all of that walking, I'm realizing that I miss taking walks with my husband. I'm hoping that I'll feel up to taking a short one around the neighborhood this weekend.

Which brings me to my next goal: Passover. It's in a month so this is as good a time as any to plan for losing another 10 pounds. This way, I can buy myself a nice, new outfit for the holiday and won't feel too guilty if I have an extra matzoh ball...

Happy Birthday To Me

Yesterday, I celebrated my 36th birthday. All in all, it was a good day. They had cupcakes for me at work and then my husband and I went out for Japanese cuisine for dinner.

It was a little weird being "forced" to eat a cupcake. Lately I've been skipping them at work birthday parties, but when someone makes cupcake specifically for you, you kind of have to eat one. These even had gold sprinkles on them -- and were delicious.

Fortunately, dinner was a lot healthier. We went to a restaurant that has shabu shabu, which is basically like a hot pot or fondue. They bring a pot of water to your table, which has a burner built in; once the water comes to a boil, you add veggies and tofu, and then cook the very thin slices of meat. At the end, you eat the remains as a soup. It's healthy and delicious and a great way to get in veggies. I'm thinking that I might actually buy a shabu shabu pot so I can make it at home. Though we do have a history of getting interesting kitchen appliances and not using them. We own a wok, a cuppucino maker and a bread maker that were given to us as wedding presents (10 years ago!) and we haven't used any of those. On the other hand, we do use our food processor, large skillet and knife set so maybe the shabu shabu set would be a good purchase. It might be fun to have a shabu shabu party.

As for my workouts, they've been about the same. I know that I need to step things up and plan to after the cruise. Right now, I have a cold and barely feel like working out in the first place. But the ship will have a gym and a walking/running track, so that will be a good place to do some different activities and burn off the cruise food.

My weight loss has been going well, though. I lost another pound this week, so I am almost at my mini-goal of 12 in time for the cruise. I'd love to knock off another five by Valentine's Day. I know that sounds like a lot, but, well, let's just say that this week my uh, cycle, decided to cooperate with me so that swimming won't be an issue on the trip! That said, there might be a little bloat to be lost next week.

And with that dose of TMI, I'm off to relax and figure out a healthy meal.

The Benefits Of Keeping A Weight Loss Blog

It's one thing to track your weight with the scale or even with a food journal, but it's another thing to see your emotions spilled out in front of you on the page. This is why I like keeping this weight loss blog -- I think it's helping me figure out some things about myself.

That said, I've made a pretty important decision and have decided to seek some counseling. I haven't had a lot of luck with psychiatrists -- my last one, for instance, ignored out patient/client confidentiality agreement when she went and blabbed about me to a co-worker. But I'm willing to at least give it another shot because I haven't felt like myself in a while and I think I'm beginning to drive my husband and friends crazy with my crying jags. I haven't yet found a particular shrink to go to, but I'll let you know how it goes. It'll be helpful to have someone there to discuss my weight loss program with, anyway.

I didn't sleep well last night, so I'm feeling a little blah, but I want to end this post with some positive things:

1. Yesterday, my bus never came and I had to take the subway to work (this isn't the positive part). I got out at a particular station because they have an escalator, but wouldn't you know it, it wasn't working that morning. However, when I went up the two flights of stairs, I wasn't nearly as out of breath as I would've been a few weeks ago. I even shoved past a couple of people because I was running late!

2. I'm beginning to find that I simply move a lot more easily. When I get up from a chair now, it's taking a lot less effort.

3. I'm starting to care a bit more about my appearance (it's hard to give a damn when you just look fat and gross in everything). This morning, I ordered a really cute "bathing skirt" for the cruise. It's a black tank suit with an attached skirt and it has white and blue piping. It looks a little like something a woman might've worn in the 1930s, but I like it. I also bought a black mesh cover up to wear with it. I'm actually feeling a little less nervous about going to the pool and am looking forward to it. I'll just have to remember to shave my legs...

Mrs. Thighs Vs.The Chocolate

It's been almost two weeks and I've been going strong with this whole healthy living thing, but last night, I faced my toughest challenge yet: I had dinner at Max Brenner (http://www.maxbrenner.com/), a chocolate bar that's in New York City.

Those who know me can tell you that I'm a crazy chocoholic. I mean, I crave the stuff. I have at least one chocolate thing every day, but it's usually something low-fat, like a cup of diet hot cocoa or a Weight Watchers brownie (which are surprisingly good). In this case, though, I was surrounded by all different types of hot chocolates, chocolate cakes, chocolate fondues and even chocolate pizzas. Yum!

When my girlfriends first sent me the link to show me where we'd be meeting for dinner, I was going to kill them. Not only did the online menu have lists and lists of these delectable chocolate items and drinks, but they had huge pictures of the desserts! Huge, freakin', gorgeous photos of fudge cascading over brownies and whipped cream piled high over ice cream ... I'm not exaggerating when I say that I nearly cried.

However, I took a deep breath and clicked on the link to the dinner menu and discovered that the restaurant actually served real food. I then came up with a game plan: I decided to get the lemon herbed chicken with baby spinach and then share some fruit and chocolate fondue with everyone else for dessert.

I'm proud to say that I stuck with my plan.

The chicken was a little dry, but tasty, and it came with really well-prepared mashed potatoes and spinach. After eating about half of that, I was pretty full. Then for dessert, my friend and I shared a fondue, but we asked for extra fruits instead of cookies. The waiter, who was incredibly kind and helpful, happily obliged. I was tempted to get one of the chocolate martinis, but ordered a Diet Coke instead.

I didn't entirely stick with fruit -- I had a couple of marshmallows (the fondue comes with a little burner so you can roast them; how cute is that?!) and a piece of my friend's chocolate egg roll (which was served in a Chinese restaurant-style takeout box), but I didn't go crazy with the extras. Happily, the fruit chunks were enormous -- I seriously had to cut the strawberries into quarters. I only wished that they'd had a wider variety of fruits. They served the giant strawberries, bananas and pineapples, but some apples and kiwi slices would've worked well, too.

Anyway, when I left the restaurant, I felt full, but not stuffed. And when I awoke this morning, I didn't have that heavy "food hangover" feel that I'd sometimes get after a binge. Instead, I had a nice memory of having fun with my girlfriends in a funky restaurant. It was exactly the type of evening I always imagine that "normal" people have out -- they enjoy their meal, but aren't obsessed with the food, and appreciate the entire experience of being out for the evening.

I know that this was only one meal, but this shows me that I am capable of practicing moderation. Hopefully, I can keep it up for the long haul.

"Failure" Is Not An Option

After working out for three days in a row, my muscles were screaming for mercy and my husband suggested I take a little break. So I took yesterday and tonight off and will then work out tomorrow and Sunday. We're going to a friend's party tomorrow night, so I figure it makes sense to work out before and after, and get in some Weight Watchers Activity POINTS.

Now that I'm trying to get back in shape, I've been watching a lot of those morbid obesity programs on Discovery Health, which they seem to run on loop. I think for some, these shows are a version of a modern day circus side show, "Come see the fat lady!" But for me, they're a cautionary tale. Right now, I almost AM one of those people who's bedridden and can barely move. I'm lucky because even though it's difficult, I CAN walk and weight train and at least function in day-to-day life. It wears me out way more than it should, but I know that if I keep up my workouts, I'll start to feel less of an effort in doing things.

One of the shows that especially caught my attention was an interview with THE BIGGEST LOSER's Season 3 winner, Erik. Since the show has ended, he's gained back a good portion of the weight he lost and has been very open and candid about his journey. To his credit, he's trying to get back on track, which I why I don't see him as a "failure" at all. To me, a failure is when you completely give up the fight. He hasn't yet. Gaining back the weight obviously isn't healthy, but it doesn't mean that he's a bad person or a failure. It just means that he has to start over.

For the record, I have very mixed feelings about the show, BL. I think it's great that these morbidly obese people lose so much weight, but the way they do it scares me. Granted, I'm not a doctor and I'm hardly an endorsement for weight-loss success, but I've read enough fitness magazines and articles and have spoken with enough fitness experts to know that a) you're supposed to work out until you "feel the burn," not until you feel significant pain b) losing weight rapidly can be dangerous and c) you need to find a workout regime that you ENJOY and that fits into your life so you keep on doing it. d) You need to start out SLOWLY. Shipping off these folks to a ranch for however many weeks where they work out for hours and hours a day (while being screamed at, no less) just seems so unrealistic, as does the incredible losses they manage in such a short amount of time. It also frightens me to see these huge men and women running and jumping (again, while being shrieked at. I swear, if Jillian or Bob screamed the F-bomb in my face, I'd kick 'em). My knees and back hurt just watching them and I really wish that someone would do a show where they showed APPROPRIATE exercises for the obese.

Anyway, Erik admitted that once the limelight died down, he had trouble staying on track and maintaining. This is something that concerns me, too. When you lose weight, there's a certain "high" that comes with seeing the numbers drop, getting compliments, etc. But what do you do when you get to the "end?" See, that's the problem -- there is no end, and that's why, I think that maintaining is going to be even more difficult than losing the weight. Also, given my past with eating disorders, I'm a little worried that I'll start going in the other extreme just to see the numbers go down.

This is why I'm trying to learn to eat "normally" now. I'm still struggling to accept that having treats in moderation is okay and that this doesn't have to be an all or nothing course. Hopefully, by the time I reach a point where my body is healthy, my mind will be, as well.