Making Strides

Yesterday was the most productive day I've had since my surgery last week. I wrote a couple of freelance pieces and Jon took me out to dinner in the wheelchair last evening. We didn't go far, just to the Italian place around the corner, but it was great to get out of the house and enjoy some fresh air for a couple of hours. It was nice to feel a little less slug-like and a little more human for a while.

One thing we both noticed is that it's not only gotten easier for me to lift myself into and out of chairs, but I'm now doing more work in moving the wheelchair itself. Before, when Jon would drag me in either the wheelchair or the computer chair (I move on a computer chair inside our apartment because it fits through doors more easily), he'd be doing all the work, especially when he had to pull it over floor moldings. However, I'm now helping him along by pushing with my hands and good leg and it's made things easier on him. Truthfully, I haven't worked out much in the past few days because I've been so exhausted, but the weight training I have done seems to be paying off. I'm definitely going to do 20-30 minutes of it today so I can get back into that.

Since I can't stand, I haven't weighed myself, but I can tell that I've lost weight. At the start of this blog, I complained that my wedding and engagement rings had gotten tight and I had to use cream to put them on. But yesterday, they slipped right onto my fingers! Then when we were outside and I caught my reflection in a window, I could see a difference. I'm a lot less "chinny" now -- I have only two instead of three!

A big change in my eating is that I can basically only eat what's around me. Each day, Jon leaves me a basket of food with yogurt, fruits, a bagel and some cheese and crackers. Yes, I probably eat more cheese than I should, but the limit on foods is forcing me to get some control. I can't randomly wander to the fridge and binge on something in there. I've been attempting to fill up on fruits and veggies (Jon makes a great soup with root vegetables that I love) because I have this idea that eating healthy foods will heal my body.

My appetite has decreased, as well. When we went to dinner, I was so hungry and ordered chicken parm with potatoes. But by the time we'd eaten our shared appetizer of anti-pasto and I'd had a slice of bread, I was stuffed. I took literally two bites of the chicken and had them pack up the rest. It'll probably be my dinner for the next couple of nights.

I know that a lot of studies have been done on sleep and obesity and I wonder if my lack of sleep really has affected my weight. Usually, I sleep 6-7 hours on a good night and I rarely sleep through the night. But these days, I'm sleeping almost all the way through and have the entire day to rest and reflect. Yes, I get hungry, but I feel as if I'm feeding my body rather than my soul.

I think it would be funny and pretty cool if I end up losing a lot of weight during this time. I imagine that for most people, it's the opposite, but I'd like to be an exception to the rule!

Near-Death Experience

As a morbidly obese person, I'm aware that my life is at risk, but it's different when you actually experience something that could potentially kill you. This happened to me last night.

Because of my size, I suffer from sleep apnea, which is when you stop breathing in your sleep. It's fairly common, even for thinner people, but obesity is a contributing factor to this condition. Most people who suffer from it and lose weight do experience it less, and sometimes even recover from it completely. Then there are those who have a really severe case and have to sleep attached to a machine called a CPAP, which helps them breathe. My case isn't that severe ... knock on wood. If I sleep on my side, I'm usually okay.

That said, it has gotten better since I've lost some weight, and I've gone for a few weeks now where I haven't awoke in the middle of the night gasping for air. Still, when it does happen, it's a weird and scary experience. I wake up and go to take a breath ... and then realize I can't. Then I sit up and it feels as if my throat is opening up and my breath comes back in loud gasps.

Usually, my breath comes back in one or two gasps, but last night it literally took about two minutes for me to fully get my breath back. I kept wheezing and gasping, my husband was freaking out which made me even more panicked and I seriously thought that I was going to die. I finally forced myself to relax and I was able to breathe again.

Then I felt as if I had a huge weight on my chest. It was all tight and heavy and I thought that I might be having a heart attack. But as I was debating whether to have my husband call an ambulance, I let out a few really loud belches. My chest immediately felt better, though my throat was all sore and strained.

After that, Jon went in the other room and I stayed up and read for a while. I was scared to go back to sleep for fear that this would happen again. Truthfully, I'm fearing what will happen tonight. At the moment, I feel pretty awful since I basically got about an hour of sleep, and it hurts to breathe since I was straining so much.

So I'm trying to lose weight more quickly now. I don't even care about my appearance at this point; I just want this sleep apnea to go away before it gets to the point where I need a machine at night. My immediate plan of attack is to eat less sugar and fewer carbs. I started today and did a so-so job of following this. I usually have cereal, fruit and toast for breakfast, but I elminated the toast portion. Instead, I had a cup of low-fat yogurt and a piece of string cheese about halfway through the morning. For lunch, I had a cup of tomato soup and an awesome salad with carrots, oranges, chickpeas and chopped egg.

And then I failed at dinner. I had some leftover pasta and ice cream from a few nights ago ... and I polished it off. I don't know why I did this, but instead of beating myself up I went and planned tomorrow's menu in advance. I think I need to have another healthy snack in the late afternoon. This way, I won't come home and gorge. I also need to make sure that our home has plenty of healthy snacks. Right now we have little things of applesauce, so I'll bring one tomorrow as a snack at work. I haven't really discussed my history of eating disorders with my therapist yet (we're still getting to know each other), but I'm going to tell her about this and see if she can give me some help with the psych part.

By the way, Jon just came home and said that the whole sleep apnea episode only lasted about 15 seconds, not two minutes. It still felt long, though.

My plan for tonight is to take a hot shower, read, try to relax and then go to bed early so I can have a better day tomorrow. I don't know why taking care of myself is so difficult for me. I'm sure that most of you have heard that actor Corey Haim died. He was only 38, but was in and out of rehab 15 times in his adult life. He just could not beat his addiction and it did him in. Though I'm not addicted to drugs, I don't want my food addiction to do me in. Unlike him, I'm still alive. This means that for now I have a fighting chance.

The Benefits Of Keeping A Weight Loss Blog

It's one thing to track your weight with the scale or even with a food journal, but it's another thing to see your emotions spilled out in front of you on the page. This is why I like keeping this weight loss blog -- I think it's helping me figure out some things about myself.

That said, I've made a pretty important decision and have decided to seek some counseling. I haven't had a lot of luck with psychiatrists -- my last one, for instance, ignored out patient/client confidentiality agreement when she went and blabbed about me to a co-worker. But I'm willing to at least give it another shot because I haven't felt like myself in a while and I think I'm beginning to drive my husband and friends crazy with my crying jags. I haven't yet found a particular shrink to go to, but I'll let you know how it goes. It'll be helpful to have someone there to discuss my weight loss program with, anyway.

I didn't sleep well last night, so I'm feeling a little blah, but I want to end this post with some positive things:

1. Yesterday, my bus never came and I had to take the subway to work (this isn't the positive part). I got out at a particular station because they have an escalator, but wouldn't you know it, it wasn't working that morning. However, when I went up the two flights of stairs, I wasn't nearly as out of breath as I would've been a few weeks ago. I even shoved past a couple of people because I was running late!

2. I'm beginning to find that I simply move a lot more easily. When I get up from a chair now, it's taking a lot less effort.

3. I'm starting to care a bit more about my appearance (it's hard to give a damn when you just look fat and gross in everything). This morning, I ordered a really cute "bathing skirt" for the cruise. It's a black tank suit with an attached skirt and it has white and blue piping. It looks a little like something a woman might've worn in the 1930s, but I like it. I also bought a black mesh cover up to wear with it. I'm actually feeling a little less nervous about going to the pool and am looking forward to it. I'll just have to remember to shave my legs...

And Now For Some Good News...

Well, I lost another two pounds this week. This means that I'm more than halfway to my goal of losing 12 pounds in time for our cruise vacation (which is in three weeks and two days). Of course, I wish that I'd lose the weight more quickly, but I'll take anything I can get!

Meanwhile, I'm already beginning to experience some very subtle changes in my body. I've been trying to work out every other day and already I'm feeling stronger, especially when I walk. My back still hurts from the weight, but it's not as bad as it was even a few weeks ago. I can walk faster now and have less pressure on my back and legs.

I'm also sleeping better -- well, for me, anyway. I've always suffered from insomnia because it runs in my family and my head is often too filled with thoughts to sleep soundly. But a couple of months ago, I began having some frightening sleep apnea episodes where I'd wake up gasping for air. Happily, I haven't had one of those -- knock on wood -- in a few weeks. There have even been a few times where I've slept through the night and actually, well, felt energized and refreshed. I'm not sure I'm ever going to totally beat my insomnia, unless I take something like Ambien, which I really don't want to do, but at least things are better than they were.

A third positive change than I'm noticing is that my circulation is improving. A few weeks ago, my extremities were falling asleep quite easily, which was really annoying -- especially when I was writing or playing my flute. This is still happening to some extent, but far less than it was. My hands didn't fall asleep at all during work today, even though I was doing a lot of typing.

Finally, I'm getting full much more easily now. Last night, for example, I ordered a mini personal pizza and calculated that half of it would be a sufficient dinner at 9 WW POINTS. However, I only ended up eating about a third and was stuffed.

So that's the good news for today. No dramatic changes -- yet -- but I'm getting there. And though my appearance is basically the same (realistically, I'll need to lose about 75 pounds before there's a big difference), I'm pleased that my health already seems to be turning around.