Outside Interests

I've been very open about my struggles with weight loss, a broken ankle and diabetes, but once in a while I like to add a fun post. In this case, I feel like showing off a little and discussing some of my outside interests. For me, this journey involving my health doesn't only concern me losing weight. It's about me becoming a more compassionate, well-rounded person in general and part of that is finding things to keep me happy outside of food.

For the past year, I've been finding more of those things. I've made a point to take on projects and challenge myself. I'm definitely a lot happier when I do such things and am less inclined to binge to fill a hole.

Anyway, here are some photos and links to my life outside of weight loss:

My online jewelry store on Etsy

Pics of some of my jewelry:

Songs from my album FLUTE PATH

An Apple A Day...

After enduring a crazy week -- which included a freakin' TORNADO that touched down in my NYC neighborhood -- I'm having a really good weekend so far. I made a few more pieces of jewelry, saw some friends, and this morning, a bunch of us went apple picking upstate.

It's been rather rainy all week (even without the tornado), but today was perfect. The sun was shining, it was about 70 degrees and there was a light breeze. It felt really good to get out of the city and enjoy the fresh air.

We first stopped at a farmer's market and picked up some cheese and vegetables. They sold pies, donuts and fudge, but I abstained (though I did have a bite of my friend's donut and chocolate). After, we went to the nearby orchard to pick our apples. Though I'm moving pretty well these days, I brought the walker with me because the terrain was so uneven; even though it was difficult for me to walk through the trees and actually pick the apples, I still had a great time. I just enjoyed breathing in the scent of the fruit and people watching as happy families and kids went about plucking apples from the trees. Apples aren't my favorite fruit, but I sampled a couple and discovered that I like them much more than I remember! Maybe because I've developed more of a taste for fresh fruit and vegetables, I've become appreciative of the sweet, tart crunchiness of apples. But it just felt really good to have that nice, juicy fruit while relaxing in the sunshine.

After, we went into Goshen and had a late lunch/early dinner at a lovely Italian restaurant. Since the weather was so beautiful, we sat outside and continued to relish the clean air. I've been trying to eat less pasta, so I had chicken with vegetables and potatoes. The food was amazing and we all cleaned our plates. We then drove home, laughing and singing the whole time. All in all, it was a very nice day.

In other news, this upcoming week of physical therapy is going to be my last. I met with the doctor in charge of the place and he said that I'm doing well enough that I can start working out at home. But he added that in order to continue losing weight, I should really take things to the next level and do more than just walk, so I'm going to start using the BowFlex again. I was glad I got to walk some more hills today because I still need practice with that; I'd also like to look into getting a stationary bike or elliptical. I still think that you can get a great workout from walking, but I know that it's best to mix it up.

Right now, my biggest goal at the moment is to get in decent shape by February because my friends and I are talking about going to Greece! How awesome will that be? If that's not motivation, I don't know what is. Meantime, I'm looking forward to taking more day trips and small vacations. I still have a long way to go with my weight loss, but I'm loving the extra energy that I'm already getting!

Great Expectations

One of the weight loss blogs I read frequently is Jennette Fulda's Pasta Queen (www.pastaqueen.com). The author weighed close to 400 pounds at one point and dropped down to about 180 through diet and exercise. Aside from the fact that she managed to accomplish this, she's a wonderful, witty writer, who is very honest about the ups and down in her weight loss journey. It wasn't an easy road for her -- and still isn't, even though she weighs less now.

Recently, she was featured in an article about the expectations that come with losing weight (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/36784702/ns/health-behavior//), and how many people are disappointed when their thinner selves end up not being so different from their fatter selves.

This has got me thinking -- what are MY expectations for when I'm thin? Do I really think that my life will suddenly be better and I'll be more confident and better loved than I was before?

Well, no, not really. Ironically, I'm actually much more social now as a fat person than I was when I was thin. I'm not the life of the party, but I do have a lot of good friends and an active social life. And come to think of it, I'm not sure that I even WANT to be the life of the party, because I have friends who are and it's a lot of work!

As for the confidence thing, I definitely could some more of that and think that losing weight will help. But it's not because I believe that being thinner will suddenly make me more likeable and desirable. The big thing that it will do for me, however, is give me more mobility. It'll be easier for me to run and jump and climb stuff and not have to worry about my body getting in the way. I've always been a fraidy cat, even when I was thinner, so I'm not planning to jump out of planes when I get down to my goal weight. I would love to do something like scuba diving, though, which I can't see doing at this weight because I'm not sure they'd have a suit my size. I'd also be nervous about being able to pull my body back up into the boat. Another thing I'd like to do is to be able to climb a glacier. We went to New Zealand before -- and this was after I'd lost quite a bit of weight -- but I still wasn't in good enough shape to go on a glacier climb, which is something I really want to do. We walked along side the glacier, but it wasn't the same.

These are the types of things that I feel like I'm missing out on -- having the confidence to try something new with my body without worrying about it getting in the way or me getting hurt. One of my friends is also an avid traveler and was able to climb a glacier, as well as hike through the Andes. Both were extremely difficult, she says, but she was able to do them, which at the moment, I'm not. Even without the broken leg, walking was getting difficult for me, so the idea of being able to hike seems almost impossible for me at this point in time.

That said, I do think that losing weight will drastically change my life -- not in a fantastical, "everything will be better," sort of way, but I'll be given more freedom and ease to enjoy life and do the things I want. I hope that day comes sooner rather than later.

Karaoke Night

I stayed home from work today, and while I'm feeling a little better, I'm definitely not 100 percent. I had what I thought was a hot flash this afternoon and realized that it was a fever. So I holed up in the living room watching movies (The Time Traveler's Wife -- eh, too many plot holes and Night At The Museum 2 -- silly, but fun) and relaxing.

With all this time on my hands, I've been thinking a lot about the cruise and the best moments. I enjoyed seeing Key West and Cozumel, and being with my husband and friends, but for me, probably the best time was when we did karaoke in the ship's Xanadu lounge (and no, I did not sing anything by Olivia Newton-John, though I was tempted).

Though I'm an accomplished flute player, I love singing. I sing in the shower, sing along to the radio and especially love singing along to TV themes. I'm not a great singer, by any means, but I have a decent voice and can carry a tune. I've considered taking voice lessons because I think I could probably turn my above-average voice into a good voice, but I feel that singing is for fun while the flute is something I take more seriously. So while my impossible dream is to star in a Broadway show, I realize that won't happen because I can't dance or act, and don't sing well enough, I can live out that dream by singing show tunes.

For this reason, I looove karaoke. I love performing in general, but with the flute, tthere's a certain amount of pressure on me because people expect me to be good. People don't invite me to play at their weddings or with their bands so that I can goof around. But with karaoke, I can do that. I can sing whatever I want and be as crazy and uninhibited as I want ... and people will still cheer for me and treat me like a rock star -- even if I suck.

I really don't suck, though, if I pick the right type of song for my voice, which is a really low song. I am an alto with a voice that's deep enough to almost be a male tenor. I always enjoyed hearing Dorothy sing on The Golden Girls because portrayer Bea Arthur's voice was similar to mine -- deep and kind of raspy. While I don't have the chops to belt out Broadway tunes that span five octaves, I sound pretty good singing smoky jazz tunes or other songs that go low enough.

Luckily, my travel companions also like karaoke so we went for two nights in a row. The first night, I did songs with Jon and then Scott, and then the three of us sang. However, the guys wouldn't really agree with me on songs so we didn't exactly do ones that were great for my range. Jon and I sang Africa and then Scott and I did Obla-di Obla-da (though I wanted to do I Wanna Hold Your Hand because I do a kick-ass harmony on it, but Scott refused). The three of us then did Scenes From An Italian Restaurant, which was a little too long and nearly put the audience in a coma. Still, we had a great time and it was fun listening to everyone else.

However, the next night I chose to go solo. My first pick, Upside Down, was okay, but a little shaky on the high notes because I hadn't warmed up my voice enough. But the next two I did -- These Boots Were Made For Walking and Fever -- I, dare I say without sounding conceited, nailed. They were just in the right octave and key for me, my nasal passages were clear, my voice was warmed up and I was feeling confident, so I managed to hit all of the notes. On those two songs, I actually sounded like an experienced singer. Everyone was looking at me and cheered me loudly when I finished, but the attention was welcome. I was being regarded because the crowd admired me -- not because I was the largest woman in the room.

I suppose you're wondering what on earth this has to do with my weight-loss journey, but I guess what I want to get out of this whole thing is that *feeling* I had while doing karaoke that night -- that confidence, that ease at being who I am, that sense of being able to let everything go and have fun and not care what people think ... but then feeling successful, anyway. I want to feel as free as I did that evening -- even when I'm not on the stage.

Mrs. Thighs Vs.The Chocolate

It's been almost two weeks and I've been going strong with this whole healthy living thing, but last night, I faced my toughest challenge yet: I had dinner at Max Brenner (http://www.maxbrenner.com/), a chocolate bar that's in New York City.

Those who know me can tell you that I'm a crazy chocoholic. I mean, I crave the stuff. I have at least one chocolate thing every day, but it's usually something low-fat, like a cup of diet hot cocoa or a Weight Watchers brownie (which are surprisingly good). In this case, though, I was surrounded by all different types of hot chocolates, chocolate cakes, chocolate fondues and even chocolate pizzas. Yum!

When my girlfriends first sent me the link to show me where we'd be meeting for dinner, I was going to kill them. Not only did the online menu have lists and lists of these delectable chocolate items and drinks, but they had huge pictures of the desserts! Huge, freakin', gorgeous photos of fudge cascading over brownies and whipped cream piled high over ice cream ... I'm not exaggerating when I say that I nearly cried.

However, I took a deep breath and clicked on the link to the dinner menu and discovered that the restaurant actually served real food. I then came up with a game plan: I decided to get the lemon herbed chicken with baby spinach and then share some fruit and chocolate fondue with everyone else for dessert.

I'm proud to say that I stuck with my plan.

The chicken was a little dry, but tasty, and it came with really well-prepared mashed potatoes and spinach. After eating about half of that, I was pretty full. Then for dessert, my friend and I shared a fondue, but we asked for extra fruits instead of cookies. The waiter, who was incredibly kind and helpful, happily obliged. I was tempted to get one of the chocolate martinis, but ordered a Diet Coke instead.

I didn't entirely stick with fruit -- I had a couple of marshmallows (the fondue comes with a little burner so you can roast them; how cute is that?!) and a piece of my friend's chocolate egg roll (which was served in a Chinese restaurant-style takeout box), but I didn't go crazy with the extras. Happily, the fruit chunks were enormous -- I seriously had to cut the strawberries into quarters. I only wished that they'd had a wider variety of fruits. They served the giant strawberries, bananas and pineapples, but some apples and kiwi slices would've worked well, too.

Anyway, when I left the restaurant, I felt full, but not stuffed. And when I awoke this morning, I didn't have that heavy "food hangover" feel that I'd sometimes get after a binge. Instead, I had a nice memory of having fun with my girlfriends in a funky restaurant. It was exactly the type of evening I always imagine that "normal" people have out -- they enjoy their meal, but aren't obsessed with the food, and appreciate the entire experience of being out for the evening.

I know that this was only one meal, but this shows me that I am capable of practicing moderation. Hopefully, I can keep it up for the long haul.

The Good, The Bad And The Jiggly

Tonight I worked on abs and chest. That's three days in a row, people! My muscles are a bit sore from the workouts, even with switching muscle groups, but I don't mind. It's a satisfying soreness that lets me know I'm doing something right.

I've been thinking a lot about my weight and why I've chosen to stay obese for all of these years. And yes, it's absolutely my choice because I've never been force fed cookies or pizza. Still, I'm hoping this blog will help me figure out why I've made this choice and how I can move beyond it.

I have to admit that there are some things about being obese that are well, positive for me. And no, I don't think that being overweight is healthy at all, but as in any abusive relationship, there are reasons why I've had a hard time leaving my fat self in the dust.

For one thing, being large has forced me to become more outgoing. Until I was about 19, I was very thin and very shy, especially when it came to dealing with things like parties. But when you're overweight, you can end up becoming invisible, too, despite your size. It's unfortunate, but happens often; go into a store, for instance, and the clerk will be unfriendly, or even worse, ignore you altogether. Over the years, though, I've become much more assertive, making the first move in a positive way. I'll smile and make eye contact with a cashier or a bus driver ... and you know what? They're usually friendly back. As for parties, I'm now much more comfortable going up to strangers and introducing myself. It's partially a defense in getting people to see past my appearance, but it's a change that I like and plan to take with me if -- no when -- I eventually become a normal-sized person.

Another "positive" is that I feel less pressure about overeating. While many obese people have been overweight for their entire lives, I was actually bullemic and borderline anorexic in high school. Food was "bad" to me and I spent a lot of time avoiding it. I've since learned to enjoy food (albeit wayyy too much), and despite needing to lose weight, no longer feel guilty about going out to eat with friends. I think I also have a better understanding of what a healthy size is. I no longer wish to be 90 pounds, but would settle for being able to wear regular-sized clothing.

That said, there is a certain comfort in knowing that I've already let myself go. Back when I was starving myself, I thought that my life would be over if I gained weight. In some respects that's certainly true, given all of the potential health problems I currently face. But in the figurative sense, life really hasn't been that bad. When I was skinny, I never thought a fat person could find love (I did); or a job (check!); or friends, or gain any respect (check and check). I've encountered plenty of schmucks along the way, but I've also learned that there are many good people who just don't care about your appearance. Having a husband and friends who've stuck by me through thick and thin -- literally -- makes me appreciate what great people I have in my life.

I think I've gotten too comfortable, though. Whenever I binge it doesn't bother me as much as it should because well, I'm already fat. I'm already at my worse-case scenario so scarfing an extra donut isn't going to change much. Contrast that to my slender friends who fret over everything they order at a restaurant. Plus, after starving myself for so many years, there's that voice in my head that says, "More, more, more!" and likes being quelled.

But I know that I can't hang onto these crutches forever. I need to find a way to make peace with food, my body and myself. Because at the rate I'm going, my idea of rock bottom is getting lower and lower.

The Best Personal Trainer In The World

I did another 20 minutes on the BowFlex tonight. Hey, don't knock it -- two days in a row is a good start! I mean, how many days do they say it takes before something becomes a habit, 21? Only 19 more days and I'm there.

What's nice is that I'm never alone when I work out ... but it's not my husband who's keeping me company. It's our cat, Maya. I swear, I think she thinks that she's my personal trainer because she's obsessed with the BowFlex. She especially loves it when we put it on an incline to do sit-ups. She'll run up and down the ramp and then try to jump up to the top of the machine (sorry, Maya, it's not happening).

If I happen to be using it in the incline position, she'll climb up around me and sit on top of my head. But if I keep the bench flat as I have for the past few nights, she'll perch on the end of the seat right next to me. Tonight as I was straining to get the last two reps out on a move, she began to meow at me. I really do believe that she was telling me, "You can do it, Mommy!"

Sometimes I envy Maya because she's in such good shape. She runs up and down our hallway just for the fun of it and can easily leap up to the top of our TV hutch. Plus, she's flexible enough to curl into a ball. I'll bet that if she were to take the Presidential Physical Fitness Test, she'd pass with flying colors (though I don't recall it including a "chasing your tail" segment). In many ways, though, my cat is an inspiration. She's at her ideal weight and thus has plenty of energy to spare. And she gets to nap whenever she wants.

I don't know if I want to sprout fur anytime soon, but it would be nice if someday I had enough energy to run someplace for no reason.

I Think I Broke My Butt

I'm giving myself a virtual pat on the back right now (I'm not nearly flexible enough to reach all the way around) for doing 20 minutes on our BowFlex machine tonight. No, it's not much, but it's a start. And that's exactly where I want to be right now -- taking small steps, but eventually working my way up to more. I may be only doing 20 minutes right now, but I hope to soon be doing 30, and then 40, and then alternate my toning exercises with cardio.

Right now, my main goal is to strengthen my back so I've been working on exercises that focus on my shoulders, back and core muscles. The great thing about the BowFlex (and no, I'm not a spokesperson for them) is that you can do dozens of different exercises on it, so there's never a shortage of variety -- and you really do feel the workout. I'm not sure how a hard-core weight lifter would fare on the machine, but for an overweight, out-of-shape woman, it kicks butt.

The other great thing is that it's right in our living room! Once upon a time we had a fantastic little gym right around the corner from us that I went to all the time. It was in the basement of a building and didn't have a whole lot, but it had everything I wanted: elliptical machines, treadmills, stairclimbers, bikes and a weight circuit. During the two years I went there, I got into decent shape -- enough so that the other patrons noticed and I was able to do that 20-mile walk I'd mentioned yesterday. I especially loved the elliptical because I felt as if I were running, but it didn't put strain on my knees. One time, I even managed to do 90 minutes on it!

Unfortunately, the gym shut down in early 2007, due to rent issues, and I was devastated. I joined another nearby gym for around the same very inexpensive price, but it was awful. It was always crowded and they only had two ellipticals. Plus, they put so much chlorine in the pool that it was difficult to breathe during workouts. Needless to say, I wasn't inspired and didn't renew my membership. I considered joining a larger gym like New York Sports Club or Bally's, but frankly, I was nervous about being the "fat chick" amongst all of these in-shape folks. The good thing about these tiny gyms was that hardly anyone was in shape so I didn't feel uncomfortable.

That's why we decided to get the BowFlex. For a few months last year, I worked out on it religiously while training for a 10K (which I walked). Then after I finished the event, I don't know ... I just stopped. Don't ask me why; I'm not entirely sure why I keep sabotaging myself when I'm doing well. But once I stopped, the weight came back on, and as the weight came back on, it became physically more difficult for me to do my walks and work out. Basically, it turned into a vicious cycle, for which I know I'm entirely responsible.

This time, I'm not going to sign up for any events, at least not for a while, because I tend to see them as an "ending" -- that once the walk is completed, I can take a break and eat more. Instead, I want to take things gradually, focusing on the changes that I'll see in my day-to-day life. For now, being able to walk around the supermarket without being in pain will be a huge accomplishment for me.

A New Year, A New Me?

A quick warning to anyone who's come to this blog expecting a sexy site. It's not. This is a blog following the adventures of an extremely obese woman whose thighs resemble mighty sequoias and ripple like a bowl of lime Jell-O. (Mmmm... Jell-O). Not exactly a turn on, huh? So unless you're into that sort of thing (no judgment here) and are angling to star on the next edition of MORE TO LOVE, back away.

For the rest of you wondering who on earth "Mrs. Thighs" is, allow me to introduce myself. I'm a 35-year-old writer/musician, who's happily married, has an awesome cat, a good family (I even like my in-laws!) and terrific friends. Yet when it comes to losing weight and getting into shape, I just can't seem to get my act together. In fact, this is actually my second attempt at keeping a weight-loss blog. I briefly wrote one in the fall of 2008 shortly after my in-shape father had an unexpected heart attack, and managed to lose a few pounds. But then I did what I always seem to do and suddenly stopped ... and now I'm write (sorry for the pun; couldn't resist) back where I started.

I realize it's rather cliche to begin a new weight-loss plan at the start of the new year, but there's something to be said for the plethora of diet programs offering New Year's deals. I like the idea of it being a new year and a new decade to boot. Yeah, I realize that it's just another day and that hanging up a new calendar doesn't automatically make everything shiny and new (okay, so I'm overusing the adjective "new" here), but there IS a certain energy in the air, at least here in NYC, when the new year hits. And if I'm going to begin a different lifestyle (I'm hesistant to say "diet" because that means that there's an ending and this needs to be for life), I might as well do it when I'm well-rested from a lengthy holiday break.

Besides, I don't really have a choice anymore because things have gotten pretty bad for me, as far as my weight goes. Two years ago, I completed a 20-mile charity walk, but these days I can barely walk a block without having to stop because my back and legs ache. I always feel tired. My wedding rings are getting dangerously tight. My husband and I are going on a cruise with friends in about six weeks and I'm not nearly as excited as I should be because I'm afraid that I won't have enough stamina to participate in the many excursions they offer at port.

That said, my goals for now are modest and realistic. I want to lose enough weight in the next six weeks (ideally about 12 pounds, 2 lbs. per week, but I won't object to more!) so that I can walk more comfortably and be able to have a good time on this trip. I intend to do this by following Weight Watchers and by doing low-impact workouts three times a week.

I also plan to write in this blog often so that I can document my progress (or lack thereof).

But I need to do this if I have any hope of making it to 40. So let the games begin!