Friday, October 1, 2010

Annoying Conversations

I've written at length about how glad I am that my relationship with my parents seemed to improve so much during my recovery. Well, today there was a minor backslide.

A few months ago, my mom asked if I'd see a different endicronologist. I said I would when I was done dealing with doctors, and that it would probably be in October. She was all excited because she basically believes that an endo is a "magic fat doctor." She's certain that he or she will be able to give me a pill that will magically "cure" whatever is making me fat and that I'll be thin! Yippy skippy! Of course, I could have thyroid problems, but this has never come up in tests, including the two very thorough blood tests that I had back in April. I'm fat because I ate too much for years and years, and have a fucked up metabolism from a lifetime of eating disorders. Yes, I do want to get checked out -- that's important, I agree -- but not with the *hope* that there's actually something wrong with me. If I have a thyroid condition, okay, I'll take the ncessary meds to fix it. But more likely than not, I don't and my mom is just going to have to accept that.

ANYWAY; my mom and I were chatting for a while and then she asks if I'm going to see an endo. I said that I would, but first I have two more doctors appointments this month. Plus, I JUST finished PT last week. I want a break! I missed four months of work; I can't keep taking time out to see doctors. I think it's perfectly reasonable to want a month off.

But she kept going on, "It's October now, I thought you were going to see someone," blah, blah, blah, STFU! I realize that most of you probably think I'm overreacting to a simple question, especially since she obviously means well, but you have to understand our history. We've both said very hurtful things to each other in the war over my weight and I'd just prefer that my parents stay out of it. I don't
want to go back to that period in college where I was afraid to come home during breaks for fear that I'd get a lecture, nor do I want to return to that place where I'm afraid to be with my parents alone and sans a buffer (usually my husband). I liked that we could spend time together for the past few months, have nice conversations and that I didn't have to worry about a lecture approaching. Now I feel as if we're going backwards and this is going to start again. Her nagging me on October-freakin-1st because I gave a vague date of October for a doctor's appt is a bad sign.

For the record, I'm not in denial. I know I have serious weight issues that could turn into serious health issues. But I'm 36 years old and think that I've earned the right to fight my own battles -- and if I don't want parental involvement, they need to respect that, ESPECIALLY my mom. Let's hope that this small setback doesn't turn into something bigger...

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