Saturday, October 9, 2010

Future Plans

This Thursday, I saw my orthopedist for the last time! He says that my bone is 100 percent healed, and now all I have to do is continue to build muscle. This was good news.

Still, in a way, this makes me nervous. For the past few months, I've been able to blame my not being very active on my leg. When I could only walk a block and had to stop, it was because my leg was weak. I took a lot of cabs, even to go short distances, because again, had to watch my leg.

Now I have fewer excuses. Last night, for example, I went out with Jon and my parents for dinner. We walked to a restaurant that was four blocks from their apartment and I managed to do it without stopping -- but my back was KILLING me. Ordinarily, I would've stopped to sit once or twice, but I was embarrassed, so I forced myself to keep going ... and I ended up being in pain. I don't know if it's because my leg is still a bit weak (I still have a limp) or because my weight is causing my back to hurt, as it did in the past. Or maybe it's both. I don't know, but I felt pathetic that walking just four blocks at once was so damn hard. My dad reminded me how only a couple of months ago, I could barely make it to the front door without having to stop, so I guess I have improved. But I feel like I'm about at the same level as I was before I broke my leg, where I could walk a few blocks and then had to stop because of my back. I was hoping to surpass that with all of the physical therapy, but I have a ways to go.

Tonight, I have my biggest challenge to date since I broke my leg; we're meeting friends at a restaurant for dinner and are then going to a nearby piano bar. They're .41 miles apart -- not far for the average person, but far for me, and I'm anxious about doing the walk. Jon says that we'll take as long as we have to and that he'll make sure I get a seat at the bar.

I'll admit, I'm also kind of anxious about the party itself. I don't know why exactly, but I've been in a bad mood since I woke up this morning. I slept well, the sun is out, I'm going to be seeing friends ... I SHOULD be feeling okay, but I'm not.

I think some of it is due to fearing that I'm going to feel like an outsider. I've hung out with this crowd before and don't feel as if we have much in common. These friends of my friend are lovely people -- all very nice -- but for starters, many of them know each other through a hiking organization and see each other on a regular basis. So when I show up, it's like, "Oh, hi, Mrs. Thighs, great to see you!" but then they have their in-jokes and stories about trips that they've taken together that no matter how many questions I ask, I can't really be a part of. Then there's the fact that many of them like to drink heavily. There's no moral judgment on my part, but I'm not a heavy drinker. I've tried. I drank in college and after two or three drinks, I'd be sick to my stomach. My dad can't drink, either, so I guess it's a genetic thing. But I like to have one or two drinks, tops, and that's it ... and they all like to get drunk. So I feel like a party pooper or that everyone thinks I'm boring or something.

I guess it's not good to worry about stuff that hasn't happened yet. I'm going to shower and clean the bathroom, and maybe make some jewelry. This way, I can get these bad thoughts out of my head...

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