Productive Day

I've had an incredibly busy week at work, but what's funny is that the more I get done, the more I feel like doing.

That's how I felt today. After working non-stop on writing assignments all day, I was anxious to get home and relax. But once I got home, I felt like doing the BowFlex, so I did 20 minutes on that while watching GLEE. I got in a good workout and was surprised to learn that I could do the leg exercises with the 30 pound rods! I was tempted to try 50 pounds, but didn't want to overdo it. Still, this is great news that my leg has gotten so strong.

After, I completed my PT stretches with a resistance band and then spent the next two hours working on jewelry designs. I feel like I got a lot accomplished tonight and save for when I ate dinner, none of the other activities had anything to do with food.

I'm getting a bit frustrated because my weight loss has definitely slowed down. When I began standing and walking again after being off of my feet for so many weeks, the weight practically melted off of me. My body was in such shock from merely moving that I dropped pounds more quickly than I ever have before. But now that I'm more or less back to normal, that shock value is gone. I know that I have to amp it up.

I'm still not up to walking long distances, but I'm now taking the bus both way, which means that I'm getting in about 30 minutes of walking just traveling around the city. I've been doing the BowFlex again so that I can build muscle and get a full body workout. I like to do a circuit and move from one exercise to another so that I can raise my heart rate. I actually did manage to break a bit of a sweat this evening. I'm also doing my PT routine, which involves stretches and those standing leg exercises. Frankly, I don't feel as if I'm getting much out of those anymore; the resistance band feels like a toy compared to the BowFlex leg exercises and I can breeze through the standing leg routine with almost no effort. Still, they instructed me to do these things at least every other day, so I'll continue doing them until I'm told to stop.

I'd like to find some more low-impact, easy exercises to do while my leg continues to recover. Does anyone have ideas? I'm thinking that we should get an exercise bike, but I'm open to other suggestions.

The Heat Is On

It's over 100 degrees today in New York City ... and of course, this had to be the day that the PT office flooded.

It's usually a pretty quiet office, but my appointment was later today and it was insane! The place was so packed that they could barely find workout space for everyone. Then an elderly woman used the toilet ... and it began to flood. The water kept on gushing on the floor so that we all felt as if we were on the Titanic. My therapist and a few others frantically tried to stop it as they waited for the repair person to arrive. All the while, more patients were filing into the waiting room, including one older woman whom I've seen around the neighborhood and know simply as "Crazy Lady." She stood in the doorway and screamed amidst the chaos; ironically, what she was screaming for was a glass of water.

Throughout all of this, I did manage to complete my workout. It's definitely getting easier for me. I've been using a 3 lb ankle weight at home, so the 2 lber they had on me today felt really light. But I can now dip a lot lower during my squats and can place much more weight on the bad leg. Before, when I had to balance on my bad leg and lift my good leg, I could only maintain the pose for half a second. But now I can hold it for about 3-5 seconds, a big improvement.

Meanwhile, my dad was really happy when I greeted him at the door to our apartment standing rather than sitting. And my cat was really pleased last night when I was able to get up and feed her, and she didn't have to wait for my husband to come home. See? My walking is good for everyone.

Understandably, my therapist was distracted today, but I felt as if I had a good session. I'd like to mix things up, though, so on Thursday, I'm going to ask if I can try the recumbant bike. Who knows? If it floods again, I might need the bike to swim out of there!

Baby Steps

Today I got to show off my "new" walking abilities to my dad when he picked me up for physical therapy. I can now walk about 5-10 feet, with the help of a walker; it aches a bit, but my stride is getting a bit more natural. He said that it's good to see me back on my feet, even if it's only for a couple of steps at a time.

Meanwhile, I had another intense PT session today. My regular therapist was there and was upset when I told her about Saturday's session; she says that they overworked me and that two hours was too much therapy for now. Still, the (presumably) "lighter" session she had me do today still kicked my butt. She put a 2-pound ankle weight on my foot and had me do various range of motion stretches, which were fairly easy. But then I had to stand and do exercises where I raised my bad leg and held it out to the side for 10 seconds ... and then raised my good leg and did the same. Ouch! Putting all of my weight onto my bad leg for these moves was hard, especially with the weight on my foot, but I'm glad that I'm being challenged. I was seriously huffing and puffing and sweating after these, which is kind of sad, given how simple they would've been without a broken leg (but I guess that's the point). I was up for doing some more exercises, but she called time on our session and warned me not to overdo things. Still, I'm pleased that I'm now able to ambulate a little and am getting back some balance. Though I was gripping the rail while I did these, I felt less of a need to than I did before and even let go for a second to see what it felt like.

I have to say, I really like having a set exercise plan in place, even if the moves are kind of lame (no pun intended) at the moment. It feels good to be moving and sweating and well, doing something. I also like that I'm kind of "forced" to do these exercises because if I don't, well, it'll compromise my recovery. Sticking with a workout program has always been an issue for me, despite exercising sporadically for years, but I don't really have a choice with this one -- which is a good thing.

I suppose I should regard my weight the same way: that I don't have a choice and I *have* to work out if I want to get healthy. It's more difficult though, I think, when the dangers and results aren't as urgent. I know intellectually that if I don't lose the weight I can die, but that's easy to ignore when I'm youngish and relatively healthy. It can also get frustrating when I don't see the results I want as quickly. Whereas with my leg, I'm already seeing drastic results so it's a little more motivating. Right now, however, getting up and moving is only going to help me with both of my problems, so it's win-win!

My goal right now is a small one and it's to be able to walk the length of our hallway to the living room with the walker. This is about 30 feet -- not a terribly long distance on a normal day, but for me, it feels like a couple of miles right now. Once I conquer this, then maybe I will be able to get from room to room without the wheelchair or office chair and then I'll be on my way to being a fully functioning person once more.

Get Up, Stand Up

Good news! My orthopedist says that my fracture looks to be healing much better than it was a few weeks ago and I can now walk again! Yay!

He suggested that I be "aggressive" because I don't quite have enough mobility in my heel and the back of my ankle/heel. The area is extremely stiff and I still can't quite flex my foot as far as it's supposed to go. That said, he gave me the go-ahead to add weights and time on the recumbant bike at my PT session on Saturday. Hopefully, they'll be able to help me get back full mobility in my heel so that I can walk normally again.

Meanwhile, I took a trial run at walking this afternoon. I use the term "walking" very loosely because it was more like shuffling while I gripped the rail of our building's staircase. I knew that my leg would feel weird -- I'd been warned by everyone I know who's broken a bone -- but I can't believe how WEAK it was. It felt as if I were standing on jelly and I had no balance. Jon had this idea that I'd be able to at least walk from one room to another, but I could barely lift my leg to even shuffle. I was very proud of the 20 steps or so that I did, just going back and forth and I gripped the rail.

I'm not too worried because I know that people generally improve pretty quickly in these cases. My mom says that when she first got the cast off of her arm, she couldn't do anything with that hand. But after a few weeks in PT, she was back to normal. As for me, I was barely able to rotate my ankle last week, but now I can easily do that. Now that I can work my leg again, I'll be able to regain my strength and balance. We're also going to get a recumbant bike for the home so I can also workout here.

While I was standing I tried to determine if I feel any lighter than a few weeks ago, but it was difficult to tell. I was really concentrating on not falling over! It's amazing how quickly you can build up muscle when you begin a workout. After a few sessions, things generally become easier, whether it be weight lifting, aerobics or running. On the other hand, our muscles also atrophy just as easily, it seems. I'm looking forward to having two legs to stand on again.

Foot Notes

Since I have good news, I figured I'd give my post a nice punny title -- foot notes, geddit? Ha ha.

Anyway, my foot is well, actually starting to look normal -- less like a chicken fetus and more like a regular body part. It's still swollen and a bit bruised, but it's no longer shriveled and the skin is returning to its normal hue. When I look at it, I no longer cringe in horror at its disgusting appearance.

Even better, it's getting easier to move it. The physical therapist gave me some very simple exercises to do each day: basically, I spend a few minutes moving the foot back and forth and then side to side. I've been able to move it back and forth for a while, but it hurts less when I do that. And I can finally move it side to side! The therapist had warned that I might not ever be able to fully move it in that direction, but I can move it side to side and rotate it at the ankle, which I think is better than he'd expected me to be able to do. It's very stiff and I have to concentrate hard when I do it, but it's possible. I was even able to keep it in time with my other foot when I was moving both side to side simultaneously in a rhythm.

I'm hoping and praying that this means that the fracture is finally healing and I'll be up on my feet again. I'm still nervous about what that's going to feel like, but let me tell you, I'm way more confident about standing for the first time on a normal-looking foot than that withered THING I saw at the orthopedist's office last week. I feel that while I may be sore that this foot will at least be able to support me.

I'm wondering how long it'll be, though, before I can walk without worrying that I'll break my bone again. We went out to dinner tonight at a restaurant that's across the street from where I fell and I cringed as I saw the spot. I'm guessing that I'll feel dread whenever I pass it for a long time to come. But will I be able to do the things I enjoy, like hiking or dancing, in the near future? I hope so.

I was telling a friend recently that I hope that I'll be able to run again. He wondered why when I never really ran in the first place. But it's the idea that I CAN if I want to. I don't want my possibilities taken away. And who knows, maybe if I get into good enough shape, I'll like running. I ran for a short period during the summer between 8th and 9th grade and I really enjoyed it. I'd get up early -- around 5 a.m. when it was still cool out -- and jog about two miles around my neighborhood. I loved how quiet and still it was at that hour and how I'd always be awake when the sun first came up. Unfortunately, I stopped when school started and I was overwhelmed with homework and other activities. But I've never forgotten how peaceful it felt to do those runs. Maybe I want that back. I don't miss much about my teen years, but I do miss that feeling of being slender and light enough on my feet that I could run for an extended period of time. I was never athletic and disliked gym, but I enjoyed running when there weren't gym teachers screaming at me to go faster.

For now, though, I'll take a reasonably decent-looking foot. I've been fighting for it these past few months and it's nice to see that it finally seems to be fighting back.

One Week To Go...

Exactly a week from tomorrow I will be getting my hard cast off and will switch to a walking cast. Presumably, I will be able to put weight on my bad leg again and will slowly get back to normal.

This should be good news, but I'm apprehensive, to say the least. For one thing, I'm a wimp and I always seem to end up in some form of pain when I'm at the orthopedist's. Everyone who's recovered from a broken leg has told me that it feels "weird" at first, but I'm just going to go ahead and assume that "weird" is code for "painful." If I'm a little sore, I can deal with it, I think, but the last time I stood on that leg (when I accidentally put my foot down while trying to use crutches), I just about passed out from the agony. Of course, that happened two months ago, so I like to think that my leg has healed a lot since then.

However, I'm also nervous about returning to "normal." Prior to breaking my leg, my being able to walk wasn't necessarily a happy thing for me. Because of my weight, I slugged around and had terrible back pain. Even going to my office -- a 10-minute walk from the bus stop -- was a drag, especially because it's up a hill. I had all of my stops planned out. I'd walk two blocks, then sit on the steps by the church; walk another two and sit on the low ledge by the library; get my breakfast at the deli and then sit on one of the big flower pots in front of our office building while I fished out my work ID from my bag. So that was several stops in the course of a very short walk and yet I still couldn't wait to sit down once I made it upstairs to my office.

Of course, it was even more difficult getting out to do things. If we went into the city, I'd try to find things to do that were right near a subway stop so that I wouldn't have to walk far. I'd planned to have my birthday at a lounge that was right off of the E train, but then they ended up rerouting it that night. We had to get off about three blocks away ... but for me, it felt like three miles. I was so sore and sweaty by the time we arrived and I know that Jon was sick of hearing me complain.

On weekends, I'd often stay in just because I didn't want to have to walk to the movies or to the park. It was more than me being lazy. I WANTED to go. I WANTED to do stuff. It was just hard to get up the motivation when I knew that I'd be hurting. Jon was always patient with me and never said anything when I wanted to take a rest -- even if it was at every block -- but walking was just plain hard for me.

That said, I have to admit that it's been a bit of a relief to be able to go places without having to experience back pain. I've managed to do a lot in the wheelchair and it's been well, nice, being able to go out and see stuff -- and actually enjoy the experience. A few weeks ago, Jon and I went to pick up my walking boot, then took in a movie and lunch at an outdoor cafe near the park. It was such a nice day, but had I walked there (it's about a mile and change from our place), I would've been hurting.

This is why I worry. Now that one of my legs isn't going to be in great shape, how much worse am I going to feel than I did before? I've been lifting weights and trying to watch what I eat, but I have no idea whether I've lost or gained weight or what. I FEEL pretty good -- I've definitely built up some upper body strength -- but I'm still obese. If it took all of my energy to walk a few blocks on two good legs, how on earth will I do it with one-and-a-half? Is it even going to be possible or am I going to have to take more time off from work, simply because I won't be able to move my huge body?

Jon keeps telling me that it'll take time and I'll slowly get my walking back. He's suggested that we keep the wheelchair for a while so that he can still take me longer distances and then I can work on walking around the house, around stores, a block at a time. As for going to work, I guess I'll just have to take it really slowly like the elderly man in our building who practically crawls to the bus stop with his walker each day. And then I'll be in physical therapy. I'm going to be honest with them about what bad shape I was in even before I broke my leg and see if they can assist me with some exercises that will strengthen my back, as well. I guess all I can do is my best and if I need to take more time off to improve, I will. They've done OK without me so far.

I want to get well and I want to get into shape again -- and I know that the only way that I'm going to do this is if I lose weight and push myself. But I'm really not looking forward to dealing with the constant pain that's going to come with it. Part of me wishes I had just one more month to be off of my feet.

Fabulous 40

I just completed a 40-minute workout! That's about double what I've been doing for the past few weeks. It felt really good, too. I've discovered that Britney Spears, Madonna and disco songs are the best for getting in a good performance. Cheesy, yes, but the beats are quick and the time flew by.

I think at this point I'm going to switch to 8-pound weights for a few routines. I'm still doing many reps with my 5-pound hand weights at the moment, and though they're light, trust me, you feel the burn when you do 30 or 40 reps with them. But it's reaching a point where even that is getting kind of easy for me, so I'm going to try the 8-pounders and see how it goes. It's just good to get moving, though. Tonight I went out with two friends to the Spanish restaurant across the street from me and they were playing live salsa music. I so wanted to get up and dance because I love salsa, but all I could do was wiggle a big in my wheelchair. My friends did promise that we'd go dancing as soon as I can, so my workouts are a good way to get that energy out of my system.

As of today, it's exactly two more weeks until my cast comes off. Now that me actually walking again is beginning to seem like more of a reality (though I'm still nervous about the future), I've been thinking of things I'd really like to do when I have my legs back:

1. Go dancing. I haven't done this in a long time, but it's so much fun -- and a good workout. The last time I did some serious dancing, other than at a wedding, was back in 2007 when I went with friends to Disney. We stayed at the Pleasure Island clubs until 2 a.m. and danced the entire time.

2. Go on a hike. Haven't done this in a while either, mainly because I've felt out of shape. But if I keep working out, I'll be able to build up to doing this again. It would be awesome to do a short hike in the fall.

3. Train for a charity walk. Once I can walk again, I want to show my thanks by giving back. I now have new motivation because I know of someone who is ill and I'd like to do something to help. Since I can't really do anything on the medical end, raising some money for research by doing a walk is the next best thing. When I've done charity walks in the past, it's always felt good, but it's different when it becomes personal.

4. Buy some cute shoes. Shallow, yes, but all I ever really wear are sneakers. I definitely need to spice up my footwear!

5. Get a pedicure. I don't nearly pamper myself enough and the last time I got a pedi, I really enjoyed it.

I'm sure I'll think of more things as time goes on, but for now, these are helping to motivate me. I need all of the motivation I can get.

On A Roll

So far, this week has been pretty good in terms of me taking care of myself. For starters, I've done 20 minutes of weight training each day for the past four days. The motions I can use are somewhat limited because I'm sitting (I can't do things like squats, obviously), but I've done as many arm movements as possible, such as bicep and tricep curls, overhead lifts and French presses. I've been using five-pound hand weights, which sound like they won't offer much of a workout since they're so light. However, I do 30-40 reps of each move and go from one move quickly to another to keep it as aerobic as possible. Let me tell you, by the end of that 20 minutes, my arms are burning and I have a nice sheen of sweat on my body!

The great thing about having my laptop with me as I work out is that you can find any piece of workout music known to man. Tonight I was in a novelty music mood, so I worked out to "Ice, Ice Baby," "Baby Got Back" and "Hangin' Tough." Cheesy, yes, but all of these songs have a great beat and are fun. I need the fun to keep my workouts from getting boring.

This weekend, I'm going to attempt to make it onto the Bowflex. I know that I can physically get onto the bench, especially with Jon's help, but I'll have to see if I can swing my bad leg around so that I can get into the proper positions for the exercises. I'd love to get on there, though, and shake up my routine a bit. I also still need to do the chair aerobics.

Meantime, I've also been making a much better effort to eat well. I started keeping a food journal again and am eating meals with vegetables as often as possible. A few times this week, I had Jon's veggie stew, which he makes with various root vegetables (carrots, turnips, parsnips), greens and potato dumplings (kind of like matzoh ball soup). I also suggested that he add zucchini to the mix and it was very good. I love this dish because it's so healthy and filling -- and I've only had one potato ball per serving. On Tuesday, I was craving lasagna so I ordered in the vegetable lasagna from one of our favorite Italian places. They make it with very little cheese and stuff it with carrots, broccoli, green beans and peas. I got it with their homemmade marinara so I could get a little tomato goodness in, too. Then tonight I went out with a couple of my girlfriends to the nearby diner. I debated getting a broccoli and cheese omelet, but decided to skip the cheese (I had cheese and crackers with lunch) and just got a plain veggie omelet with broccoli, mushrooms and asparagus. It was good and I had a great time being out with friends.

I know I've been in a funk lately, but I have about a month now until my hard cast comes off and I want to be ready. I'm not expecting a miracle to happen -- no way will I lose 50 pounds by June. But I do think that if I continue to work out and eat well that I can lose about 12-15. Some days it's hard to get motivated when I'm stuck in bed and my leg is aching, but I have to keep reminding myself of what I'm working toward.

In Sickness And In Health

I'm finally starting to feel better after battling that terrible cold for the past week. This evening is actually the first in a long time that I don't feel sick or tired. That said, I did 10 minutes on the BowFlex tonight -- not much, but I don't want to push it. I've had a lot of colds in my lifetime, but that was seriously one of the worst I've ever had. I'm wondering if it was really more than a cold, like the flu.

The uh, "good news" is I lost three pounds! So being sick does have some advantages!

I don't want to gain that back so I've been making a point to eat more greens. One thing the cruise reminded me of is how much I like pizza. This seems like a) a strange thing to forget that I'd like 'cuz it's nummy and b) a strange thing to associate with a healthier lifestyle. But pizza can be a great way to get veggies in, if you don't overdo it. The cruise had a nice pizza stand that made the pies just like I like - not too thick, but soft. The slices were small, so I'd get two with fresh veggies on top and I'd have a nice, filling lunch. Today I ordered a mini-pizza from the deli across the street. I got it with spinach and broccoli and they piled on the toppings. Even better, they didn't overcook them so the spinach was still crisp and the broccoli had some crunch to it. I ate half -- and was completely stuffed. Plus, I got about two servings of fresh veggies in the process. A win on all counts!

I've been trying to eat more salads, too, and am still in the process of concocting the "perfect" dish. I've discovered that artichokes don't work well because they can sometimes be stringy; I love olives, but they're a little too flavorful and drown out the other ingredients; mandarin orange slices, on the other hand, kick ass. It may seem strange to add them into a salad with chick peas and onions, but trust me, they work really well as part of a savory dish.

But enough about food -- what I'm really looking forward to this weekend is getting back into walking, even if it's just for 20 minutes. It's supposed to FINALLY be spring weather and I need to get out of the house. Between the illness and blizzard, all of the fresh air I took in during my vacation has long since been used up. Old Man Winter has seriously worn out his welcome!

Home, Sweet, Home

Well, I'm back from the cruise and I'm happy to say that I had a really nice time. It wasn't quite as relaxing as I'd hoped because it was cold for the Caribbean, but I still enjoyed it.

In terms of eating, I did pretty well and while I didn't lose any weight during the week, I did maintain. You can easily eat 24/7 on a cruise -- there are midnight buffets, all-night pizza stands, treats around every corner -- but I really worked hard to watch portions. I stayed away from any of these midnight offerings and stuck to three decent-sized meals -- and that was it. I drank more than usual, but having one alcoholic beverage per day wasn't too bad compared to a lot of other people on that ship.

One thing I liked about the food at dinner was that the portions were reasonable. I expected huge bowls of pasta and giant steaks, but it wasn't like that at all. Instead, the portions were moderate -- enough to fill you up, but not make you feel stuffed -- and on each menu, there were low-calorie "spa" options. Each night, I ordered a soup with vegetables (my favorites were the gazpacho and the chill asparagus soups) and then usually chicken for my main entry. After, I had some dessert, but tried to incorporate fruit into it. For instance, one night I had a small scoop of vanilla ice cream with a fruit plate. On the day that I ordered the souffle, the waiters suddenly decided to celebrate my birthday (which had been two weeks before; I guess they celebrate all February birthdays this month no matter when they are), so I also ended up with a slice of black forrest cake that I didn't ask for. But I took a few bites and then left the rest over. By the way, I've learned that I really don't like souffle.

I was also much more active on this trip than I've been in a while. Though I've been BowFlex-ing, I haven't done miles of walking. I got to do that here. It was hard -- my back hurt and I had to stop frequently, which I'm sure annoyed my travel companions (though they never complained). But we walked all around South Beach on Sunday, all over Key West on Tuesday and then explored some ruins in Cozumel on Thursday. So I got in three good days of exercise.

One other thing I'm proud of is that I got into the pool. I was a little self-conscious about wearing a bathing suit in public, but no one seemed to care about how I looked. I then wanted to actually swim, but because my center of gravity is off (this is what happens when you have a huge stomach pulling all your weight forward), going down steps and ladders often feels uncomfortable. That said, I was afraid I'd slip into the pool and hit my head. But I managed to get in and then later get out without incident. I realize this doesn't sound like a big accomplishment, but it was for me.

Now that we're home, I've been battling a horrible cold, one of the worst I've had in a long time. I've had a fever on and off and am now developing a cough. Needless to say, my eating has been spotty this week -- lots of soup, toast and low-fat frozen yogurt. The meal of a champion!

But after doing all of that walking, I'm realizing that I miss taking walks with my husband. I'm hoping that I'll feel up to taking a short one around the neighborhood this weekend.

Which brings me to my next goal: Passover. It's in a month so this is as good a time as any to plan for losing another 10 pounds. This way, I can buy myself a nice, new outfit for the holiday and won't feel too guilty if I have an extra matzoh ball...

Happy Birthday To Me

Yesterday, I celebrated my 36th birthday. All in all, it was a good day. They had cupcakes for me at work and then my husband and I went out for Japanese cuisine for dinner.

It was a little weird being "forced" to eat a cupcake. Lately I've been skipping them at work birthday parties, but when someone makes cupcake specifically for you, you kind of have to eat one. These even had gold sprinkles on them -- and were delicious.

Fortunately, dinner was a lot healthier. We went to a restaurant that has shabu shabu, which is basically like a hot pot or fondue. They bring a pot of water to your table, which has a burner built in; once the water comes to a boil, you add veggies and tofu, and then cook the very thin slices of meat. At the end, you eat the remains as a soup. It's healthy and delicious and a great way to get in veggies. I'm thinking that I might actually buy a shabu shabu pot so I can make it at home. Though we do have a history of getting interesting kitchen appliances and not using them. We own a wok, a cuppucino maker and a bread maker that were given to us as wedding presents (10 years ago!) and we haven't used any of those. On the other hand, we do use our food processor, large skillet and knife set so maybe the shabu shabu set would be a good purchase. It might be fun to have a shabu shabu party.

As for my workouts, they've been about the same. I know that I need to step things up and plan to after the cruise. Right now, I have a cold and barely feel like working out in the first place. But the ship will have a gym and a walking/running track, so that will be a good place to do some different activities and burn off the cruise food.

My weight loss has been going well, though. I lost another pound this week, so I am almost at my mini-goal of 12 in time for the cruise. I'd love to knock off another five by Valentine's Day. I know that sounds like a lot, but, well, let's just say that this week my uh, cycle, decided to cooperate with me so that swimming won't be an issue on the trip! That said, there might be a little bloat to be lost next week.

And with that dose of TMI, I'm off to relax and figure out a healthy meal.

I Think I Broke My Butt

I'm giving myself a virtual pat on the back right now (I'm not nearly flexible enough to reach all the way around) for doing 20 minutes on our BowFlex machine tonight. No, it's not much, but it's a start. And that's exactly where I want to be right now -- taking small steps, but eventually working my way up to more. I may be only doing 20 minutes right now, but I hope to soon be doing 30, and then 40, and then alternate my toning exercises with cardio.

Right now, my main goal is to strengthen my back so I've been working on exercises that focus on my shoulders, back and core muscles. The great thing about the BowFlex (and no, I'm not a spokesperson for them) is that you can do dozens of different exercises on it, so there's never a shortage of variety -- and you really do feel the workout. I'm not sure how a hard-core weight lifter would fare on the machine, but for an overweight, out-of-shape woman, it kicks butt.

The other great thing is that it's right in our living room! Once upon a time we had a fantastic little gym right around the corner from us that I went to all the time. It was in the basement of a building and didn't have a whole lot, but it had everything I wanted: elliptical machines, treadmills, stairclimbers, bikes and a weight circuit. During the two years I went there, I got into decent shape -- enough so that the other patrons noticed and I was able to do that 20-mile walk I'd mentioned yesterday. I especially loved the elliptical because I felt as if I were running, but it didn't put strain on my knees. One time, I even managed to do 90 minutes on it!

Unfortunately, the gym shut down in early 2007, due to rent issues, and I was devastated. I joined another nearby gym for around the same very inexpensive price, but it was awful. It was always crowded and they only had two ellipticals. Plus, they put so much chlorine in the pool that it was difficult to breathe during workouts. Needless to say, I wasn't inspired and didn't renew my membership. I considered joining a larger gym like New York Sports Club or Bally's, but frankly, I was nervous about being the "fat chick" amongst all of these in-shape folks. The good thing about these tiny gyms was that hardly anyone was in shape so I didn't feel uncomfortable.

That's why we decided to get the BowFlex. For a few months last year, I worked out on it religiously while training for a 10K (which I walked). Then after I finished the event, I don't know ... I just stopped. Don't ask me why; I'm not entirely sure why I keep sabotaging myself when I'm doing well. But once I stopped, the weight came back on, and as the weight came back on, it became physically more difficult for me to do my walks and work out. Basically, it turned into a vicious cycle, for which I know I'm entirely responsible.

This time, I'm not going to sign up for any events, at least not for a while, because I tend to see them as an "ending" -- that once the walk is completed, I can take a break and eat more. Instead, I want to take things gradually, focusing on the changes that I'll see in my day-to-day life. For now, being able to walk around the supermarket without being in pain will be a huge accomplishment for me.