Thursday, April 29, 2010

Walls Closing In

I've been eating a lot of not-so-great stuff lately. This is really, really bad, especially since I can't move as much as I was before. I need to find a way to get my act together and stop.

A big part of this has to do with me being bored and lonely. When I first broke mt leg, it sucked and was very stressful, but there was a certain excitement to it. My friends were checking in almost daily, I had to make a million calls regarding my job and health insurance, and then there was the countdown to my surgery. Then, once the surgery was successful, I had our anniversary party to look forward to.

Now, however, things have gotten really quiet and I can't stand it. At first, Jon was coming home early so he could do some work from here and take care of me, but now he's staying later again. I don't blame him for this because I know he's giving up a lot of time to take me to doctors and such, but I'm usually here by myself until it begins to get dark out. I'm also not hearing from friends as much. I've tried calling several people and left voice mails, but, well, they're busy -- as it should be. Before I broke my leg, I was one of those busy people. I had a very active social life and went out with friends almost every weekend. Now I'm just in bed all day, with no one to keep me company but my laptop and the cat. I'm not angry at anyone for not being around; it's just that I look outside and see how beautiful it is and wish I can be one of them.

Even worse is that when I do hear from or see people, everything is compromised. Before this, I almost never used my cell phone to call people. It sucks! The reception is always going in and out and half of the conversation is spent going, "Hello, hello, hello." It's so fucking annoying and I want to throw the damn phone out the window. I just had to abruptly end a conversation with my grandmother because the reception and her hearing issues made it nearly impossible for us to talk. I was getting exasperated going, "Hello, are you there? Hello, hello, fucking HELLO," every fucking minute, so I finally lied that my phone was dead and hung up. And whenever I make plans to go out, it's a fucking obstacle course. At the anniversary party, there was a step into the restaurant so I had to be carried in. That was fine, but for every social situation I have to worry about the layout. My friend has a housewarming party coming up and I'm concerned that there will be steps or bumps in the home that will prevent me from getting around it. We have another friend's graduation party coming up and she says it'll probably be on the roof of her building. This means that there might be a flight of steps that I won't be able to climb. Other friends are having a joint 40th anniversary party and want to go dancing at a club ... which I obviously can't do. The list goes on and on.

Even if I'm in a walker soon (which I hope to be, but again, I'm depending on someone for help -- I need Jon to get one for me), my mobility is still going to be limited and I'll still be stuck in my house for the most part. I've been spending a lot of time writing and watching old TV shows online, but there's only so much I can take of having myself to talk to. I feel terrible for thinking this, but I can't help feeling a little resentful of everyone for moving on and feeling like I'm just being left here to rot. I want so badly to be able to meet up with friends or just DO something, anything, but this means people have to come out here to see me or Jon has to change his schedule or we have to make sure that the place we go is accessible for someone with a disability. I never thought I'd say this, but I really miss going to work. My job drove me crazy and I came close to quitting last year, but I miss having a place to go and a purpose -- and a reason to wake up in the morning. I'm starting to lose that and am instead filling my day with food.

I know that I should be grateful that this is just a broken leg and not something worse. I could be seriously injured and stuck in a wheelchair for life, like one of Jon's clients who is paralyzed from the neck down. I could have a fatal disease. I know that it's JUST a broken leg and that in a few weeks, it'll all be over and I'll be on my way to recovering.

I have about six weeks left until I return to work, though, and I'm losing my mind. I don't know how much more I can take being by myself all day.

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