More Than Words

I just had the strangest, shittiest week and it only got more bizarre today. Not sure what it is ... maybe it's all of this rain?

Anyway, it looks as if my job is in serious jeopardy. We're being bought out by another company and the rumor is, about half of us will be out of work. Some reps from the new company had interviews with everyone over the past couple of days and I believe that I impressed them, but I'm trying to stay realistic. The good news is that Jon's work is going well so we're fine; if I lose my job, I'll find something else to do and it won't be the end of the world. But I'm worried not just for myself, but for my co-workers. I also know that a lot of people have already lost jobs because of this move and I feel badly for them.

This weekend, I prepared to get my mind off of things by relaxing and enjoying my friend's bridal shower. I arrived over an hour early so I went to the bagel shop next door to get some breakfast. It was nearly empty and very quiet, so I sat and read. For the first time all week, I was actually having some fun.

Then this man barged in right around the time that the two workers were in the back, checking on the bagels, I guess. This meant that I was all alone. I figured that the man was just a customer, but then he turned to me and growled, "Hello, FATSO." I knew that he was addressing me.

I tried to ignore him, but he went on a rant about how I was a fat piece of shit and a waste of space, and how I don't love God. Obviously, he was crazy out of his mind. Still, it scared the hell out of me. I just sat there, frozen, because I didn't know if he had a gun or knife on him, or what. He just kept screaming at me, taunting me about my weight and daring me to call the cops. Finally, the workers came out from the back and threw him out. They explained that he's basically the neighborhood Crazy and that everyone just ignores him.

Breathing a sigh of relief, I went next door to the place where the party was being held, but the man's words kept echoing in his head. Yeah, he was loony-tunes, but his insults still hurt. It was like all I was to him was a fat person and that angered him enough to barge into the store and yell. I try not to be hard on myself, but having him telling me how gross and useless I am was kind of like a demon spitting all of my insecurities right into my face. It also occured to me while he was ranting that if he did have a gun and shot me, that the last words I'd hear would be someone calling me a fat piece of shit.

I like to find the purpose in things, a reason for why things happen, but I can't come up with any for this. I'm trying to stay positive and remind myself that he didn't have a gun and didn't hurt me in any way. Plus, he's crazy and has apparently fallen through the cracks of the system, while I have not. Maybe this was supposed to be a test -- a test to see if I could deal with insults coming from someone who doesn't matter? I don't know.

Now I'm home, snuggled into my bed with my cat and my book, as the rain hits our window. My husband is in the next room and that man is probably wandering the streets in the bad weather. I can't let someone like that take away my dignity. It's hard, but I'm going to talk myself into moving past this.