Near-Death Experience

As a morbidly obese person, I'm aware that my life is at risk, but it's different when you actually experience something that could potentially kill you. This happened to me last night.

Because of my size, I suffer from sleep apnea, which is when you stop breathing in your sleep. It's fairly common, even for thinner people, but obesity is a contributing factor to this condition. Most people who suffer from it and lose weight do experience it less, and sometimes even recover from it completely. Then there are those who have a really severe case and have to sleep attached to a machine called a CPAP, which helps them breathe. My case isn't that severe ... knock on wood. If I sleep on my side, I'm usually okay.

That said, it has gotten better since I've lost some weight, and I've gone for a few weeks now where I haven't awoke in the middle of the night gasping for air. Still, when it does happen, it's a weird and scary experience. I wake up and go to take a breath ... and then realize I can't. Then I sit up and it feels as if my throat is opening up and my breath comes back in loud gasps.

Usually, my breath comes back in one or two gasps, but last night it literally took about two minutes for me to fully get my breath back. I kept wheezing and gasping, my husband was freaking out which made me even more panicked and I seriously thought that I was going to die. I finally forced myself to relax and I was able to breathe again.

Then I felt as if I had a huge weight on my chest. It was all tight and heavy and I thought that I might be having a heart attack. But as I was debating whether to have my husband call an ambulance, I let out a few really loud belches. My chest immediately felt better, though my throat was all sore and strained.

After that, Jon went in the other room and I stayed up and read for a while. I was scared to go back to sleep for fear that this would happen again. Truthfully, I'm fearing what will happen tonight. At the moment, I feel pretty awful since I basically got about an hour of sleep, and it hurts to breathe since I was straining so much.

So I'm trying to lose weight more quickly now. I don't even care about my appearance at this point; I just want this sleep apnea to go away before it gets to the point where I need a machine at night. My immediate plan of attack is to eat less sugar and fewer carbs. I started today and did a so-so job of following this. I usually have cereal, fruit and toast for breakfast, but I elminated the toast portion. Instead, I had a cup of low-fat yogurt and a piece of string cheese about halfway through the morning. For lunch, I had a cup of tomato soup and an awesome salad with carrots, oranges, chickpeas and chopped egg.

And then I failed at dinner. I had some leftover pasta and ice cream from a few nights ago ... and I polished it off. I don't know why I did this, but instead of beating myself up I went and planned tomorrow's menu in advance. I think I need to have another healthy snack in the late afternoon. This way, I won't come home and gorge. I also need to make sure that our home has plenty of healthy snacks. Right now we have little things of applesauce, so I'll bring one tomorrow as a snack at work. I haven't really discussed my history of eating disorders with my therapist yet (we're still getting to know each other), but I'm going to tell her about this and see if she can give me some help with the psych part.

By the way, Jon just came home and said that the whole sleep apnea episode only lasted about 15 seconds, not two minutes. It still felt long, though.

My plan for tonight is to take a hot shower, read, try to relax and then go to bed early so I can have a better day tomorrow. I don't know why taking care of myself is so difficult for me. I'm sure that most of you have heard that actor Corey Haim died. He was only 38, but was in and out of rehab 15 times in his adult life. He just could not beat his addiction and it did him in. Though I'm not addicted to drugs, I don't want my food addiction to do me in. Unlike him, I'm still alive. This means that for now I have a fighting chance.

Get In The Pool

Earlier I wrote about how I'd been nervous about swimming while on our cruise, but I finally went for it after my husband and friend Scott encouraged me to "Get in the pool." Later that evening, I spoke Scott's words back at him when he was nervous about doing a karaoke solo and urged him to "get in the pool" (not literally in this case), as well.

I think that "get[ing] in the pool" is good metaphor for how I want to live my life: I want to take more risks and then (hopefully) enjoy the rewards that come with those risks. Just as it was when I literally got in the pool -- the water was cool and relaxing, and I felt as if I were floating. I hadn't gone swimming in years, but as soon as I hit the water, I realized how much I'd missed it. That said, I know that my fears are making me miss other things in life, as well.

One of my big fears still is flying. I've told my husband that I want to book another trip right away so that I can force myself to do it more often. I enjoy traveling so the risk (flying) would lead to a reward (seeing a cool, new place).

I also know that losing weight and being attractive again is a fear -- a deep-down fear, but a fear nevertheless. That said, I decided to "get in the pool" tonight and start walking again. I'd originally planned to do it this past weekend because the weather was decent, but I just couldn't get up the energy to get dressed and go. But today I ended up doing a walk during lunch for about a half hour. I didn't go far -- maybe a mile because I had to stop sometimes, but it felt great. The sun was out, the weather was warm for a change, and it felt good to get moving. I think I function better in general when the sun is out more so I plan to do more walking in the near future. I'm already looking forward to tomorrow's.

After work, I had my therapy session. Things are going pretty well with that. I told her about my "get in the pool" idea and she liked the imagery. She suggested that I think about it when I come across an obstacle in my life. She also suggested that I take a more "zen" approach to things and not worry about the details so much. That's a little hard for someone like me who has an overactive imagination, but I guess it can't hurt to try. So I'm being zen about this blog, and whatever I write, I write. It doesn't matter if it's not Shakespeare!

Meantime, I'm looking forward to more warm weather so that I can hopefully "get in the pool" again soon -- literally and figuratively.

In Sickness And In Health

I'm finally starting to feel better after battling that terrible cold for the past week. This evening is actually the first in a long time that I don't feel sick or tired. That said, I did 10 minutes on the BowFlex tonight -- not much, but I don't want to push it. I've had a lot of colds in my lifetime, but that was seriously one of the worst I've ever had. I'm wondering if it was really more than a cold, like the flu.

The uh, "good news" is I lost three pounds! So being sick does have some advantages!

I don't want to gain that back so I've been making a point to eat more greens. One thing the cruise reminded me of is how much I like pizza. This seems like a) a strange thing to forget that I'd like 'cuz it's nummy and b) a strange thing to associate with a healthier lifestyle. But pizza can be a great way to get veggies in, if you don't overdo it. The cruise had a nice pizza stand that made the pies just like I like - not too thick, but soft. The slices were small, so I'd get two with fresh veggies on top and I'd have a nice, filling lunch. Today I ordered a mini-pizza from the deli across the street. I got it with spinach and broccoli and they piled on the toppings. Even better, they didn't overcook them so the spinach was still crisp and the broccoli had some crunch to it. I ate half -- and was completely stuffed. Plus, I got about two servings of fresh veggies in the process. A win on all counts!

I've been trying to eat more salads, too, and am still in the process of concocting the "perfect" dish. I've discovered that artichokes don't work well because they can sometimes be stringy; I love olives, but they're a little too flavorful and drown out the other ingredients; mandarin orange slices, on the other hand, kick ass. It may seem strange to add them into a salad with chick peas and onions, but trust me, they work really well as part of a savory dish.

But enough about food -- what I'm really looking forward to this weekend is getting back into walking, even if it's just for 20 minutes. It's supposed to FINALLY be spring weather and I need to get out of the house. Between the illness and blizzard, all of the fresh air I took in during my vacation has long since been used up. Old Man Winter has seriously worn out his welcome!

Life Is Too Short

When I was in the fifth grade, my friend's father died. I remember not being sure how to react or even what to say to her. She and I recently got in touch again through the Internet and now her husband has suddenly died, so it's like history repeating itself. It's really sad -- some people really do endure their fair share of trouble.

Whenever I hear about a tragedy like this, it reinforces for me how fragile we are and how we can go at any minute. Sometimes I feel like I've been gambling with my life for a long time with the way I don't take care of myself. But I really do want to live longer and have a better quality of life because I'm realiing that it's not fair for me to take advantage of a gift.

Karaoke Night

I stayed home from work today, and while I'm feeling a little better, I'm definitely not 100 percent. I had what I thought was a hot flash this afternoon and realized that it was a fever. So I holed up in the living room watching movies (The Time Traveler's Wife -- eh, too many plot holes and Night At The Museum 2 -- silly, but fun) and relaxing.

With all this time on my hands, I've been thinking a lot about the cruise and the best moments. I enjoyed seeing Key West and Cozumel, and being with my husband and friends, but for me, probably the best time was when we did karaoke in the ship's Xanadu lounge (and no, I did not sing anything by Olivia Newton-John, though I was tempted).

Though I'm an accomplished flute player, I love singing. I sing in the shower, sing along to the radio and especially love singing along to TV themes. I'm not a great singer, by any means, but I have a decent voice and can carry a tune. I've considered taking voice lessons because I think I could probably turn my above-average voice into a good voice, but I feel that singing is for fun while the flute is something I take more seriously. So while my impossible dream is to star in a Broadway show, I realize that won't happen because I can't dance or act, and don't sing well enough, I can live out that dream by singing show tunes.

For this reason, I looove karaoke. I love performing in general, but with the flute, tthere's a certain amount of pressure on me because people expect me to be good. People don't invite me to play at their weddings or with their bands so that I can goof around. But with karaoke, I can do that. I can sing whatever I want and be as crazy and uninhibited as I want ... and people will still cheer for me and treat me like a rock star -- even if I suck.

I really don't suck, though, if I pick the right type of song for my voice, which is a really low song. I am an alto with a voice that's deep enough to almost be a male tenor. I always enjoyed hearing Dorothy sing on The Golden Girls because portrayer Bea Arthur's voice was similar to mine -- deep and kind of raspy. While I don't have the chops to belt out Broadway tunes that span five octaves, I sound pretty good singing smoky jazz tunes or other songs that go low enough.

Luckily, my travel companions also like karaoke so we went for two nights in a row. The first night, I did songs with Jon and then Scott, and then the three of us sang. However, the guys wouldn't really agree with me on songs so we didn't exactly do ones that were great for my range. Jon and I sang Africa and then Scott and I did Obla-di Obla-da (though I wanted to do I Wanna Hold Your Hand because I do a kick-ass harmony on it, but Scott refused). The three of us then did Scenes From An Italian Restaurant, which was a little too long and nearly put the audience in a coma. Still, we had a great time and it was fun listening to everyone else.

However, the next night I chose to go solo. My first pick, Upside Down, was okay, but a little shaky on the high notes because I hadn't warmed up my voice enough. But the next two I did -- These Boots Were Made For Walking and Fever -- I, dare I say without sounding conceited, nailed. They were just in the right octave and key for me, my nasal passages were clear, my voice was warmed up and I was feeling confident, so I managed to hit all of the notes. On those two songs, I actually sounded like an experienced singer. Everyone was looking at me and cheered me loudly when I finished, but the attention was welcome. I was being regarded because the crowd admired me -- not because I was the largest woman in the room.

I suppose you're wondering what on earth this has to do with my weight-loss journey, but I guess what I want to get out of this whole thing is that *feeling* I had while doing karaoke that night -- that confidence, that ease at being who I am, that sense of being able to let everything go and have fun and not care what people think ... but then feeling successful, anyway. I want to feel as free as I did that evening -- even when I'm not on the stage.

Home, Sweet, Home

Well, I'm back from the cruise and I'm happy to say that I had a really nice time. It wasn't quite as relaxing as I'd hoped because it was cold for the Caribbean, but I still enjoyed it.

In terms of eating, I did pretty well and while I didn't lose any weight during the week, I did maintain. You can easily eat 24/7 on a cruise -- there are midnight buffets, all-night pizza stands, treats around every corner -- but I really worked hard to watch portions. I stayed away from any of these midnight offerings and stuck to three decent-sized meals -- and that was it. I drank more than usual, but having one alcoholic beverage per day wasn't too bad compared to a lot of other people on that ship.

One thing I liked about the food at dinner was that the portions were reasonable. I expected huge bowls of pasta and giant steaks, but it wasn't like that at all. Instead, the portions were moderate -- enough to fill you up, but not make you feel stuffed -- and on each menu, there were low-calorie "spa" options. Each night, I ordered a soup with vegetables (my favorites were the gazpacho and the chill asparagus soups) and then usually chicken for my main entry. After, I had some dessert, but tried to incorporate fruit into it. For instance, one night I had a small scoop of vanilla ice cream with a fruit plate. On the day that I ordered the souffle, the waiters suddenly decided to celebrate my birthday (which had been two weeks before; I guess they celebrate all February birthdays this month no matter when they are), so I also ended up with a slice of black forrest cake that I didn't ask for. But I took a few bites and then left the rest over. By the way, I've learned that I really don't like souffle.

I was also much more active on this trip than I've been in a while. Though I've been BowFlex-ing, I haven't done miles of walking. I got to do that here. It was hard -- my back hurt and I had to stop frequently, which I'm sure annoyed my travel companions (though they never complained). But we walked all around South Beach on Sunday, all over Key West on Tuesday and then explored some ruins in Cozumel on Thursday. So I got in three good days of exercise.

One other thing I'm proud of is that I got into the pool. I was a little self-conscious about wearing a bathing suit in public, but no one seemed to care about how I looked. I then wanted to actually swim, but because my center of gravity is off (this is what happens when you have a huge stomach pulling all your weight forward), going down steps and ladders often feels uncomfortable. That said, I was afraid I'd slip into the pool and hit my head. But I managed to get in and then later get out without incident. I realize this doesn't sound like a big accomplishment, but it was for me.

Now that we're home, I've been battling a horrible cold, one of the worst I've had in a long time. I've had a fever on and off and am now developing a cough. Needless to say, my eating has been spotty this week -- lots of soup, toast and low-fat frozen yogurt. The meal of a champion!

But after doing all of that walking, I'm realizing that I miss taking walks with my husband. I'm hoping that I'll feel up to taking a short one around the neighborhood this weekend.

Which brings me to my next goal: Passover. It's in a month so this is as good a time as any to plan for losing another 10 pounds. This way, I can buy myself a nice, new outfit for the holiday and won't feel too guilty if I have an extra matzoh ball...

Happy Birthday To Me

Yesterday, I celebrated my 36th birthday. All in all, it was a good day. They had cupcakes for me at work and then my husband and I went out for Japanese cuisine for dinner.

It was a little weird being "forced" to eat a cupcake. Lately I've been skipping them at work birthday parties, but when someone makes cupcake specifically for you, you kind of have to eat one. These even had gold sprinkles on them -- and were delicious.

Fortunately, dinner was a lot healthier. We went to a restaurant that has shabu shabu, which is basically like a hot pot or fondue. They bring a pot of water to your table, which has a burner built in; once the water comes to a boil, you add veggies and tofu, and then cook the very thin slices of meat. At the end, you eat the remains as a soup. It's healthy and delicious and a great way to get in veggies. I'm thinking that I might actually buy a shabu shabu pot so I can make it at home. Though we do have a history of getting interesting kitchen appliances and not using them. We own a wok, a cuppucino maker and a bread maker that were given to us as wedding presents (10 years ago!) and we haven't used any of those. On the other hand, we do use our food processor, large skillet and knife set so maybe the shabu shabu set would be a good purchase. It might be fun to have a shabu shabu party.

As for my workouts, they've been about the same. I know that I need to step things up and plan to after the cruise. Right now, I have a cold and barely feel like working out in the first place. But the ship will have a gym and a walking/running track, so that will be a good place to do some different activities and burn off the cruise food.

My weight loss has been going well, though. I lost another pound this week, so I am almost at my mini-goal of 12 in time for the cruise. I'd love to knock off another five by Valentine's Day. I know that sounds like a lot, but, well, let's just say that this week my uh, cycle, decided to cooperate with me so that swimming won't be an issue on the trip! That said, there might be a little bloat to be lost next week.

And with that dose of TMI, I'm off to relax and figure out a healthy meal.