When I spoke with my friend Scott yesterday, he noted that I seem to be in a positive place. I guess I am. Things definitely aren't perfect, especially when it comes to my weight and health, but I'm making progress. I can't say for sure that losing weight will prolong my life -- even the healthiest people can unfortunately be struck with a terminal illness -- but losing weight is definitely starting to enhance the quality of my life.
I can get in and out of chairs a lot more easily, without having to heave myself up, and my walking is improving each day. Pretty soon, my list of "normal" things that I'm able to do will expand: I'll be able to stand in line, walk around a store to shop, take a walk around a lake, go hiking... maybe I'll even be able to ride a bike or go scuba diving at some point. It's amazing how many doors open for you just if you can move. You don't even have to be in great shape to experience these things; you just have to be in average enough health so that you can move your body the way that it's meant to without hundreds of extra pounds of fat attached to it.
This evening at the gym I really surprised myself. I did my 10 minutes on the elliptical and kept the resistance at level 3. Those 10 minutes felt easy, so I'm going to try 15 when I return on Thursday. I then went to the bike and pedaled for a few minutes; by now, I can go fast enough so that the bike registers me. But after about five minutes, I started to experiment and turned it to Level 2. It felt good. Two minutes later, I moved on to Level 3. I kept going, raising the levels every couple of minutes until I topped out at Level 6! I couldn't believe it. Just a couple of weeks ago, I could barely pedal the bike. I did 15 minutes of moving from one level to another, then cooled down for five. It was a good ride.
They say it takes about six weeks to see a difference when you work out. I'm getting to that mark and I can feel some changes. I'm still huge but my stomach is less obstrusive and I'm gaining strength in my body. I still have about two months until Greece, so there's a lot of work to be done. I'm not expecting to be a Grecian goddess, but I feel as if I'm training for my own, personal Olympics.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Mind Over Matter
I've had plenty of body issues over the years, but I've always been fairly confident about my intelligence. Still, I'm finding that getting back into shape is affecting my mental capabilities, as well as my physical ones.
Take yesterday at work, for example. We're going through a lot of changes at the moment because we're about to debut our new, improved Web site. This means that everyone has had to do a lot of annoying grunt work, such as making sure that certain archival information is current. On top of that, my colleague is home with a dying parent so I've had to cover for him.
Needless to say, I've been busy and a little stressed. I had so much to do yesterday, I considered coming in early. I didn't, though, and ended up just working through the morning ... and before I knew it, I was finished! I couldn't believe that I was able to zip through so much work and actually end EARLY.
It's nice to see all of these little changes taking place. I don't look much different; honestly, I think I'll need to lose about 75 pounds or so before there's a noticeable difference. My walking isn't so great. But it's now easier for me to get off the couch or walk across a room, or even walk down the block. Considering the fact that I'm not too far off from being large enough to be bedridden, I think of any activity as progress.
I'm happy to be moving better, but I didn't expect my thinking to improve, as well. Who knows -- maybe when I lose enough weight, I'll be a genius...
Take yesterday at work, for example. We're going through a lot of changes at the moment because we're about to debut our new, improved Web site. This means that everyone has had to do a lot of annoying grunt work, such as making sure that certain archival information is current. On top of that, my colleague is home with a dying parent so I've had to cover for him.
Needless to say, I've been busy and a little stressed. I had so much to do yesterday, I considered coming in early. I didn't, though, and ended up just working through the morning ... and before I knew it, I was finished! I couldn't believe that I was able to zip through so much work and actually end EARLY.
It's nice to see all of these little changes taking place. I don't look much different; honestly, I think I'll need to lose about 75 pounds or so before there's a noticeable difference. My walking isn't so great. But it's now easier for me to get off the couch or walk across a room, or even walk down the block. Considering the fact that I'm not too far off from being large enough to be bedridden, I think of any activity as progress.
I'm happy to be moving better, but I didn't expect my thinking to improve, as well. Who knows -- maybe when I lose enough weight, I'll be a genius...
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Blasts From The Past
Karen and I decided to take tonight off. It's a good thing, too, because around 8:15 -- about the time we leave the gym -- a thunderstorm hit and it was pouring. I was grateful to be in my warm, dry apartment!
I did get in a little exercise since I carried home a heavy package full of craft fair supplies. I'm guessing it weighed about 10 pounds. Since I'm getting better at moving, I was able to carry it with few problems. I can now walk a lot more quickly and am having less back pain. Still, walking isn't easy. That's how far gone I was. When I started in the gym about a month ago, I could barely walk across the gym. Now I can do so, but walking for longer distances is an issue. Sometimes I want to slap myself for letting my fitness fall to the point where I'm a few steps above being bed ridden, but I have to celebrate the progress that I am making. That it'll probably take until May for me to walk normally is frustrating but well, I'll be in much better shape than I am now. And then I'll be able to surpass that and finally be in above-average shape.
As you know, I'm also trying to shape up my mental health. Forgiving myself and others in my life is a big thing. I think it'll take the longest to forgive my parents, but I'm trying to start with the people who don't mean so much to me. For years I've continued to be angry at people who are no longer even in my life -- past crushes who rejected me, friends who abandoned me, bullies who mocked me -- and well, what's the point? They don't care how I feel about them; chances are, they've forgotten me. Plus, it's silly to hold all of that in when it's in the past.
However, sometimes the past comes roaring back at you, especially when you use Facebook. It seems as if everyone from my life is on that site and throughout this week, I've come across pages for my ex-best friend and my ex-friend/almost boyfriend, who broke my heart.
It was very strange to see their names and profiles in front of me, but I went ahead and friended my ex-best friend ... and she hasn't friended me back. I'm not surprised, given that she was always ditching me to be with the cooler kids (in other words, she was hardly a "best" friend), but I'm kind of laughing because I've changed SO MUCH since high school. I don't think she has any idea that the shy, geeky, skinny girl of yore is now fat, outgoing and opinionated. As for the boy who broke my heart, I'm actually debating whether to friend him. Basically, I liked him as more than a friend, he was seeing someone and failed to tell me this ... and suddenly disappeared out of my life as if he'd died. I never got any closure on the situation and part of me has always wanted to have that conversation about why he lied to me. No, I wouldn't have that talk on FB, of all places, but I think I could get closure from him at least ackowledging my existence. That was the toughest part of losing him -- not that he was in love with someone else -- that he just cut me out without warning. I was young and naive. I'm not now. Maybe I'm just a masochist.
I'm confident enough, though, to know that I won't fall apart if I'm rejected by these people from my past. I've come so far, especially in the past year, and while it would be great to make amends, if they're not interested, well, they don't know what they're missing! Meanwhile, I have too much to look forward to to continue dwelling on the past. I still haven't quite let everything go, but I'm getting there, slowly but surely.
I did get in a little exercise since I carried home a heavy package full of craft fair supplies. I'm guessing it weighed about 10 pounds. Since I'm getting better at moving, I was able to carry it with few problems. I can now walk a lot more quickly and am having less back pain. Still, walking isn't easy. That's how far gone I was. When I started in the gym about a month ago, I could barely walk across the gym. Now I can do so, but walking for longer distances is an issue. Sometimes I want to slap myself for letting my fitness fall to the point where I'm a few steps above being bed ridden, but I have to celebrate the progress that I am making. That it'll probably take until May for me to walk normally is frustrating but well, I'll be in much better shape than I am now. And then I'll be able to surpass that and finally be in above-average shape.
As you know, I'm also trying to shape up my mental health. Forgiving myself and others in my life is a big thing. I think it'll take the longest to forgive my parents, but I'm trying to start with the people who don't mean so much to me. For years I've continued to be angry at people who are no longer even in my life -- past crushes who rejected me, friends who abandoned me, bullies who mocked me -- and well, what's the point? They don't care how I feel about them; chances are, they've forgotten me. Plus, it's silly to hold all of that in when it's in the past.
However, sometimes the past comes roaring back at you, especially when you use Facebook. It seems as if everyone from my life is on that site and throughout this week, I've come across pages for my ex-best friend and my ex-friend/almost boyfriend, who broke my heart.
It was very strange to see their names and profiles in front of me, but I went ahead and friended my ex-best friend ... and she hasn't friended me back. I'm not surprised, given that she was always ditching me to be with the cooler kids (in other words, she was hardly a "best" friend), but I'm kind of laughing because I've changed SO MUCH since high school. I don't think she has any idea that the shy, geeky, skinny girl of yore is now fat, outgoing and opinionated. As for the boy who broke my heart, I'm actually debating whether to friend him. Basically, I liked him as more than a friend, he was seeing someone and failed to tell me this ... and suddenly disappeared out of my life as if he'd died. I never got any closure on the situation and part of me has always wanted to have that conversation about why he lied to me. No, I wouldn't have that talk on FB, of all places, but I think I could get closure from him at least ackowledging my existence. That was the toughest part of losing him -- not that he was in love with someone else -- that he just cut me out without warning. I was young and naive. I'm not now. Maybe I'm just a masochist.
I'm confident enough, though, to know that I won't fall apart if I'm rejected by these people from my past. I've come so far, especially in the past year, and while it would be great to make amends, if they're not interested, well, they don't know what they're missing! Meanwhile, I have too much to look forward to to continue dwelling on the past. I still haven't quite let everything go, but I'm getting there, slowly but surely.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
If Only Oprah Could Really Help Me...
Apparently, I think about being fat even while I'm sleeping. The other night I dreamed that a theme park was being built in honor of DALLAS the TV show from the '80s. I went to the opening and Patrick Duffy was at the gate! But when I asked him for a dance, he told me, "I don't do fat chicks." I argued that I was married and just wanted to dance, but he stood firm ... and I was PISSED. As people entered the park, I told them about Patrick's attitude, but no one seemed to care. Then Oprah showed up -- and she was angry. She defended me and gave Patrick a heated talking-to. Then she and I stormed the park and enjoyed the rides, our sizes be damned.
I've never met either Oprah or Patrick Duffy, but I do know people who know Patrick and from all accounts, he's a nice guy. As silly as the dream is, though, I guess I still have some deep-down fears about being judged. While I'm pretty sure that Patrick would be polite to me in real life, there are plenty of assholes out there who really would tell me, "I don't do fat chicks."
The good news is, I'm becoming slightly less of a fat chick. Each time I go to the gym, I'm getting stronger. Tonight, I did 32 minutes (10 elliptical, 15 bike, 7 treadmill), but I pushed myself on each machine. I put the elliptical's crossramp up to 15 and dialed the resistance up to 3; on the treadmill, I topped out at an incline of 3.5 and speed of 2.4 mph; and on the bike, I managed to keep the machine going for 10 minutes this time -- and get this, I made it up to Level 2! Karen says that it looks as if I've lost some weight, especially in my legs. I think I look about the same, but I can definitely feel the difference when I walk.
Poor Karen really pushed herself and could barely move by the time we left. But we're both working hard. Even though we don't spend a lot of time together in the gym, it's nice having someone at the gym.
On the way out, a trainer stopped us (well, really me) and asked if I wanted to work with her. I turned her down, explaining that I wasn't ready for that just yet. I hope she doesn't bug us. That will be so annoying. I might want to work with a trainer later on down the line, but for now, I feel as if I'm able to push myself without injuring myself. I don't trust that a lot of trainers know how to deal with obese people and I don't want her to put me in positions where I'm on the floor or doing some other move that will hurt my back. I like the progress I'm making. I'm gaining strength, but not to the point where I'm burning out.
In other news, I got a nice surprise package today from one of the actors whom I'd interviewed. He sent a hug gift basket full of cookies, nuts, meats ... excactly what I DON'T need, but it was sweet. I ended up having a couple of items and then gave the rest away to my co-workers. I was proud of my restraint. Regardless, it felt really nice to be appreciated!
I'm anticipating a crazy day at work tomorrow, but feel like I can handle it, especially since I have another "gym date" in the afternoon. And who knows? Maybe Oprah will send me some surprise flowers...
I've never met either Oprah or Patrick Duffy, but I do know people who know Patrick and from all accounts, he's a nice guy. As silly as the dream is, though, I guess I still have some deep-down fears about being judged. While I'm pretty sure that Patrick would be polite to me in real life, there are plenty of assholes out there who really would tell me, "I don't do fat chicks."
The good news is, I'm becoming slightly less of a fat chick. Each time I go to the gym, I'm getting stronger. Tonight, I did 32 minutes (10 elliptical, 15 bike, 7 treadmill), but I pushed myself on each machine. I put the elliptical's crossramp up to 15 and dialed the resistance up to 3; on the treadmill, I topped out at an incline of 3.5 and speed of 2.4 mph; and on the bike, I managed to keep the machine going for 10 minutes this time -- and get this, I made it up to Level 2! Karen says that it looks as if I've lost some weight, especially in my legs. I think I look about the same, but I can definitely feel the difference when I walk.
Poor Karen really pushed herself and could barely move by the time we left. But we're both working hard. Even though we don't spend a lot of time together in the gym, it's nice having someone at the gym.
On the way out, a trainer stopped us (well, really me) and asked if I wanted to work with her. I turned her down, explaining that I wasn't ready for that just yet. I hope she doesn't bug us. That will be so annoying. I might want to work with a trainer later on down the line, but for now, I feel as if I'm able to push myself without injuring myself. I don't trust that a lot of trainers know how to deal with obese people and I don't want her to put me in positions where I'm on the floor or doing some other move that will hurt my back. I like the progress I'm making. I'm gaining strength, but not to the point where I'm burning out.
In other news, I got a nice surprise package today from one of the actors whom I'd interviewed. He sent a hug gift basket full of cookies, nuts, meats ... excactly what I DON'T need, but it was sweet. I ended up having a couple of items and then gave the rest away to my co-workers. I was proud of my restraint. Regardless, it felt really nice to be appreciated!
I'm anticipating a crazy day at work tomorrow, but feel like I can handle it, especially since I have another "gym date" in the afternoon. And who knows? Maybe Oprah will send me some surprise flowers...
Monday, March 21, 2011
Mrs. Thighs Vs. The Machine
Tonight, I was finally accepted into an exclusive club: the I can pedal quickly enough so that the bike registers me club! I managed to keep up the momentum for five minutes; I then began to get tired and the machine cut me off. Still, I managed to do 20 minutes on the bike overall, and am proud of my five minutes of "fast" pedaling.
I also did five minutes each on the full-body elliptical (that has arm pedals) and treadmill, so overall, I completed a 30-minute workout. Not quite as good as how I did on Friday, but I had a little fall that tripped me up. I went to get onto the elliptical and I guess the crossramp was up because the pedals were very high. I managed to get my left leg up onto the machine, but when I went to hook my right leg over, I slipped, fell off and hit my shin. Ouch! Sometimes being short really sucks.
At work today, I chatted with a colleague who's been going to physical therapy for a broken shoulder. I revealed that I've been going to the gym in an effort to get in shape for Greece and she looked very skeptical. I can't wait to tell her that I "beat" the bike tonight -- and I'll be sure to send her a postcard from Greece.
I also did five minutes each on the full-body elliptical (that has arm pedals) and treadmill, so overall, I completed a 30-minute workout. Not quite as good as how I did on Friday, but I had a little fall that tripped me up. I went to get onto the elliptical and I guess the crossramp was up because the pedals were very high. I managed to get my left leg up onto the machine, but when I went to hook my right leg over, I slipped, fell off and hit my shin. Ouch! Sometimes being short really sucks.
At work today, I chatted with a colleague who's been going to physical therapy for a broken shoulder. I revealed that I've been going to the gym in an effort to get in shape for Greece and she looked very skeptical. I can't wait to tell her that I "beat" the bike tonight -- and I'll be sure to send her a postcard from Greece.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Friday Night Light
I think my body was telling me something on Thursday when I fell asleep on the bus and missed my stop for the gym: I crashed that night. I mean, I was exhausted. For the first time in weeks, I slept through the night.
Instead, I went to the gym yesterday. Yes, I spent my Friday night working out. Karen was getting over a cold, but she accompanied me so she could serve as my trainer/cheerleader.
When I first arrived, I wasn't really in the mood to exercise. I mean, it was Friday and there were a million other places I wanted to be: the movies, out with friends, outside since it was such a gorgeous day. But as soon as I stepped onto the elliptical and got going, I felt energized and was determined to have a good workout. I did -- my best yet. I did 10 minutes on the elliptical, alternating between a crossramp of 10 and 13. I then did 15 on the bike, and though the stupid thing still won't register me as going fast enough, I could sense a difference. Yes, I pedal slowly, but there's a lot less lag on my left leg (say that ten times fast...). Even Karen noticed and was like, "Look how much better you're moving than a couple of weeks ago." After, I did the treadmill and completed my goal of doing 7 minutes, at an incline of 3, maxing out at 2.2 mph. So overall, I did 32 minutes and really pushed myself throughout!
Once I was finished, we decided to go to one of our favorite neighborhood joints, Tu Casa. I was too lazy to change back into my work clothes (gross, I know, but deal), so Karen helped me out by spraying her Kim Kardashian perfume on me. So we arrived at the place with me smelling like sweat and skank, but happily, they had an outdoor table available. I ordered roasted chicken with rice and treated myself to a glass of mango juice. A live band was playing salsa music and it felt really good to be outside, eating healthy food after a decent workout.
Today I'm feeling the effects of it as I'm kind of stiff and sore, but I'm determined to get outside. Jon and I just made plans to see a movie this evening, so I'll get a little walking in later. Meantime, I've been using the Weight Watchers food journal so I can keep better track of my portions.
Karen and I then have more "gym dates" scheduled for next Mon-Wed. I'm going to stay where I am for a while, between 30-35 minutes, but I hope to soon be on my way to a 40-minute workout.
Instead, I went to the gym yesterday. Yes, I spent my Friday night working out. Karen was getting over a cold, but she accompanied me so she could serve as my trainer/cheerleader.
When I first arrived, I wasn't really in the mood to exercise. I mean, it was Friday and there were a million other places I wanted to be: the movies, out with friends, outside since it was such a gorgeous day. But as soon as I stepped onto the elliptical and got going, I felt energized and was determined to have a good workout. I did -- my best yet. I did 10 minutes on the elliptical, alternating between a crossramp of 10 and 13. I then did 15 on the bike, and though the stupid thing still won't register me as going fast enough, I could sense a difference. Yes, I pedal slowly, but there's a lot less lag on my left leg (say that ten times fast...). Even Karen noticed and was like, "Look how much better you're moving than a couple of weeks ago." After, I did the treadmill and completed my goal of doing 7 minutes, at an incline of 3, maxing out at 2.2 mph. So overall, I did 32 minutes and really pushed myself throughout!
Once I was finished, we decided to go to one of our favorite neighborhood joints, Tu Casa. I was too lazy to change back into my work clothes (gross, I know, but deal), so Karen helped me out by spraying her Kim Kardashian perfume on me. So we arrived at the place with me smelling like sweat and skank, but happily, they had an outdoor table available. I ordered roasted chicken with rice and treated myself to a glass of mango juice. A live band was playing salsa music and it felt really good to be outside, eating healthy food after a decent workout.
Today I'm feeling the effects of it as I'm kind of stiff and sore, but I'm determined to get outside. Jon and I just made plans to see a movie this evening, so I'll get a little walking in later. Meantime, I've been using the Weight Watchers food journal so I can keep better track of my portions.
Karen and I then have more "gym dates" scheduled for next Mon-Wed. I'm going to stay where I am for a while, between 30-35 minutes, but I hope to soon be on my way to a 40-minute workout.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Good Intentions...
I had my gym bag packed. I even remembered my water bottle ... and I ended up falling asleep on the bus and missing my stop. Sigh. The good news is, there's always tomorrow and I can still accomplish my goal to do seven minutes on the treadmill. I'm also not using this as an excuse to be like, "Oh, well, I messed up, I'll eat whatever." I'm still having a veggie omelet with water for dinner.
This sleeping issue is getting to be a real problem. I slept not so badly last night, but woke up around 3 a.m. and then took about 30 minutes to fall back asleep. Since I hardly sleep well, anyway, I was tired as usual. If I could sleep better, I could do more -- like have a more vigorous workout. Then I'd sleep better from working out. It's a positive cycle that I can't seem to get myself onto. But I'm sick of feeling tired and falling asleep on the bus. Sometimes I wish I work from home so I won't have to worry about waking up at a certain time. My dad and grandma have insomnia, too. Thanks for the bad genes, guys.
I've made a decision to go back to Weight Watchers or find some other kind of food journal. I've been eating healthy foods, but I think I need to be more accountable for how MUCH I'm eating. If anyone knows of a good site with food journals, let me know. I'm not thrilled with WW's revamped Points system, but a site that counts calories will work just as well.
This sleeping issue is getting to be a real problem. I slept not so badly last night, but woke up around 3 a.m. and then took about 30 minutes to fall back asleep. Since I hardly sleep well, anyway, I was tired as usual. If I could sleep better, I could do more -- like have a more vigorous workout. Then I'd sleep better from working out. It's a positive cycle that I can't seem to get myself onto. But I'm sick of feeling tired and falling asleep on the bus. Sometimes I wish I work from home so I won't have to worry about waking up at a certain time. My dad and grandma have insomnia, too. Thanks for the bad genes, guys.
I've made a decision to go back to Weight Watchers or find some other kind of food journal. I've been eating healthy foods, but I think I need to be more accountable for how MUCH I'm eating. If anyone knows of a good site with food journals, let me know. I'm not thrilled with WW's revamped Points system, but a site that counts calories will work just as well.
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