Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Blasts From The Past

Karen and I decided to take tonight off. It's a good thing, too, because around 8:15 -- about the time we leave the gym -- a thunderstorm hit and it was pouring. I was grateful to be in my warm, dry apartment!

I did get in a little exercise since I carried home a heavy package full of craft fair supplies. I'm guessing it weighed about 10 pounds. Since I'm getting better at moving, I was able to carry it with few problems. I can now walk a lot more quickly and am having less back pain. Still, walking isn't easy. That's how far gone I was. When I started in the gym about a month ago, I could barely walk across the gym. Now I can do so, but walking for longer distances is an issue. Sometimes I want to slap myself for letting my fitness fall to the point where I'm a few steps above being bed ridden, but I have to celebrate the progress that I am making. That it'll probably take until May for me to walk normally is frustrating but well, I'll be in much better shape than I am now. And then I'll be able to surpass that and finally be in above-average shape.

As you know, I'm also trying to shape up my mental health. Forgiving myself and others in my life is a big thing. I think it'll take the longest to forgive my parents, but I'm trying to start with the people who don't mean so much to me. For years I've continued to be angry at people who are no longer even in my life -- past crushes who rejected me, friends who abandoned me, bullies who mocked me -- and well, what's the point? They don't care how I feel about them; chances are, they've forgotten me. Plus, it's silly to hold all of that in when it's in the past.

However, sometimes the past comes roaring back at you, especially when you use Facebook. It seems as if everyone from my life is on that site and throughout this week, I've come across pages for my ex-best friend and my ex-friend/almost boyfriend, who broke my heart.

It was very strange to see their names and profiles in front of me, but I went ahead and friended my ex-best friend ... and she hasn't friended me back. I'm not surprised, given that she was always ditching me to be with the cooler kids (in other words, she was hardly a "best" friend), but I'm kind of laughing because I've changed SO MUCH since high school. I don't think she has any idea that the shy, geeky, skinny girl of yore is now fat, outgoing and opinionated. As for the boy who broke my heart, I'm actually debating whether to friend him. Basically, I liked him as more than a friend, he was seeing someone and failed to tell me this ... and suddenly disappeared out of my life as if he'd died. I never got any closure on the situation and part of me has always wanted to have that conversation about why he lied to me. No, I wouldn't have that talk on FB, of all places, but I think I could get closure from him at least ackowledging my existence. That was the toughest part of losing him -- not that he was in love with someone else -- that he just cut me out without warning. I was young and naive. I'm not now. Maybe I'm just a masochist.

I'm confident enough, though, to know that I won't fall apart if I'm rejected by these people from my past. I've come so far, especially in the past year, and while it would be great to make amends, if they're not interested, well, they don't know what they're missing! Meanwhile, I have too much to look forward to to continue dwelling on the past. I still haven't quite let everything go, but I'm getting there, slowly but surely.

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