Dealing With My Feelings

I'm really proud of the way I handled food this weekend. I've been overeating on my days off, especially at breakfast, so I cut out my bagel and instead had a bowl of cereal (that came in a portioned container) with skim milk and a banana. Then Jon made a vegetable tagine so I had that with couscous and homemade butternut squash soup. The only thing I didn't do so well was I had too much cheese, but next time, I'll think ahead and get pre-cut string cheese snacks.

Tonight I went to therapy and then tomorrow, it's back to the gym. My counselor and I, of course, discussed my argument with my dad last night. I've realized that the reason why I get so upset when my parents try to discuss my weight is because it takes me back to a point in time when I felt as if I were disappointing them. Back in college, they'd sit me down and lecture me, telling me all the things I'd lose if I were fat. I know they meant well -- I know they MEAN well -- but those lectures left me feeling horrible. I wasn't just fat; I was a failure. I hate that and don't want to go back there -- and whenever they bring it up, it takes me right back to that awful place. Most of the time I'm okay with myself, which is a huge victory for me and I dislike that sense that I'm regressing to a negative version of myself. I imagine that to most of you reading this blog that my reaction to my dad seemed rather extreme. This is the best that I can do to explain it.

The good news is, I didn't use being upset as an excuse to binge. My counselor pointed that out and said that I should be proud of that -- and so I am. I'm trying to find more things to be proud of. I've spent most of my life putting myself down and I'd like to finally free myself of that habit.

This is why I'm glad to get back to the gym tomorrow. Working out makes me stronger, mentally and physically. My goal for tomorrow is modest: a 30 minute workout on a variety of machines. Ideally, I'll do 10 on the elliptical, 10 treadmill, 10 bike, but it'll really depend on which machines are available. That's the beauty of belonging to a gym, though; you can mix and match.

Off to enjoy a slice of veggie pizza...