Sunday, March 13, 2011

Family Matters

I had another argument this evening with my dad. My mom's been bugging me to see an endocrinologist and now my dad is getting in on the act. His uncle recently died and almost had to have a leg amputated, so now he's afraid that I'm going to become diabetic and have to have my leg cut off.

I worry about these things, too, and do plan to see a doctor ... eventually. But I'd like to lose some weight first. I guess it's hard to understand where I'm coming from if you're not obese or have never had to deal with a doctor discussing your weight. I hate it. I hate getting the patronizing talk about how I need to lose weight now and it can cause all kinds of health problems. The thing is, I KNOW all of this and can probably write a book on it. For me, going to the doctor and having them get all judgy about my weight is just as bad as getting a bad diagnosis. I know in my head that this is ridiculous, but I hate being treated like a non-person. When I was a chubby kid, my doctor gave me my first weight-related lecture. This was in front of my mom and it was so embarrassing. I ended up starving myself after that. Then there were the lectures I received last year when I was seeing doctors for my broken leg. I was already stressed and just didn't need it -- not then. Doctors seem to assume that if you're overweight, you don't know how to lose weight and that you're stupid. There's a way they speak to you that's so condescending and self-righteous. I'm not stupid. I guess I'm acting kind of stupid by avoiding the doctor, but I can't stand being judged and criticized. It wouldn't bother me so much if we could discuss my weight as a clincal thing, with no judgements made, but doctors are human and they're going to make them.

Anyway, seeing a doctor is on my to-do list for this year, but I need to feel comfortable before I do it. And I don't want my parents involved. My father's argument is that they're my parents and they're going to worry, and he says that they don't bug me about it too much. My thing is I blame them for me having such low self-esteem about my body and other things, and feel like my weight has put a strain on our relationship. This is why I don't want them discussing this particular topic with me. It's partially their fault that I'm so fucked up and have had a lifetime of eating disorders and fears of the doctor, and everything else. I don't blame them for me being fat -- I'm the one who spent all these years eating what I've been eating -- but I do blame them for making me feel like crap, and my appearance has been a big part of that.

Oh, well. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to think more rationally and will feel more confident about taking care of myself. But right now I just want to crawl into a hole and not worry about my health or anything else.

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