Thursday, July 22, 2010

Making Mom Understand

I was worked really hard in PT today, which is a good thing. In addition to having me do my standing leg exercises (which are beginning to get a little easy), they had me do step-ups and then walk around a bunch of obstacles so that I could practice getting the correct gait. On top of that, my dad parked the car about two blocks from the place, so I got some real walking in, as well. I'm pretty exhausted now, but I feel good.

Meanwhile, I actually had a civil conversation with my mom about my weight. I've been trying not to get angry with her whenever she brings up the subject, so when she stated that she hopes I'll see "that other doctor" when my mobility improves, I just nodded and said that I would. By "other doctor," by the way, she means an endocrinologist. I'm not diabetic, but I do have slightly high blood sugar and insulin resistance. I have an endo in the city, but really don't like him since he keeps wanting to put me on drugs. Therefore, I know I need to see a new doctor.

My mom was glad to hear that I was planning to go soon, but she seems to think that an endo is a "magic" doctor, who will give me some miracle cure to make me thin. I tried to explain to her that though endos deal with some conditions that could contribute to weight gain, like thyroid problems, that they can't automatically make you lose weight, and that's not really what they're job is. She's hanging on to this belief that I have some glandular or thyroid problem and I'm pretty certain that I don't. And she said that she didn't like the endo I've been seeing because his plan didn't work. What plan? He diagnosed me and gave me meds, but again, it wasn't his JOB to make me thin.

I wish my mother would understand that there's no special cure that's going to make me lose weight. Even if I do have a thyroid problem, I know that 99 percent of my weight gain is because of ME. I take full responsibiliy. I can see a million nutritionists or bariatric doctors, but ultimately, I'm the one who chose to binge on candy and doughnuts and pizza and sticks of butter and whatever the else I stuffed my face with for the past 10 years. This is why I'm seeing a counselor because I know that my problem is mental and not physical. I assured her that when I had my blood work done -- twice! -- this past April that my results were really good and the doctor told me that other than being overweight, I'm in decent shape. I'm not against getting more blood work done, but she seemd to believe that a) I'm about to explode and b) that again, once they get my blood work, it'll reveal some tangible reason for why I'm fat.

I appreciate that she's concerned, but I wish that she'd let go of this hope that I can be cured because she's just going to be disappointed. She needs to understand that I have a mental disorder, one that I've held onto in different forms, since I was a child. Since she doesn't have food issues, I suppose it's difficult for her to comprehend this, but then again, she's been smoking since she was 22. She's tried to stop many times and has come close, but always goes back to her cigarettes. You figure that she'd get the whole notion of addiction and how even with patches and gums and hynosis, the only true "cure" to stop smoking is for HER to stop.

I want my parents to be supportive of me as I attempt to lose weight -- again -- but they need to understand a few things: this is MY responsibility, not there. They can support me, but they can't become so involved that my weight troubles become a problem for me AND them. I can't take on the burden of losing weight for all three of us! Two, they need to let me TAKE responsibility and not blame my weight on genes or glands or anything like that. Three, they can't judge me for my weight. Me gaining weight is not a personal thing. It doesn't make me a bad person or a lazy person or anything like that. Finally, they need to respect my boundaries. If I want to discuss my weight, fine, but if I don't, they need to accept it. I'm 36 years old and a grown-ass woman. I need to take care of myself.

I'm not sure that they're ever going to truly understand how complex eating disorders and obesity are. Hell, I wish I could understand because it would certainly make my life a lot easier!

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