When I spoke with my friend Scott yesterday, he noted that I seem to be in a positive place. I guess I am. Things definitely aren't perfect, especially when it comes to my weight and health, but I'm making progress. I can't say for sure that losing weight will prolong my life -- even the healthiest people can unfortunately be struck with a terminal illness -- but losing weight is definitely starting to enhance the quality of my life.
I can get in and out of chairs a lot more easily, without having to heave myself up, and my walking is improving each day. Pretty soon, my list of "normal" things that I'm able to do will expand: I'll be able to stand in line, walk around a store to shop, take a walk around a lake, go hiking... maybe I'll even be able to ride a bike or go scuba diving at some point. It's amazing how many doors open for you just if you can move. You don't even have to be in great shape to experience these things; you just have to be in average enough health so that you can move your body the way that it's meant to without hundreds of extra pounds of fat attached to it.
This evening at the gym I really surprised myself. I did my 10 minutes on the elliptical and kept the resistance at level 3. Those 10 minutes felt easy, so I'm going to try 15 when I return on Thursday. I then went to the bike and pedaled for a few minutes; by now, I can go fast enough so that the bike registers me. But after about five minutes, I started to experiment and turned it to Level 2. It felt good. Two minutes later, I moved on to Level 3. I kept going, raising the levels every couple of minutes until I topped out at Level 6! I couldn't believe it. Just a couple of weeks ago, I could barely pedal the bike. I did 15 minutes of moving from one level to another, then cooled down for five. It was a good ride.
They say it takes about six weeks to see a difference when you work out. I'm getting to that mark and I can feel some changes. I'm still huge but my stomach is less obstrusive and I'm gaining strength in my body. I still have about two months until Greece, so there's a lot of work to be done. I'm not expecting to be a Grecian goddess, but I feel as if I'm training for my own, personal Olympics.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Mind Over Matter
I've had plenty of body issues over the years, but I've always been fairly confident about my intelligence. Still, I'm finding that getting back into shape is affecting my mental capabilities, as well as my physical ones.
Take yesterday at work, for example. We're going through a lot of changes at the moment because we're about to debut our new, improved Web site. This means that everyone has had to do a lot of annoying grunt work, such as making sure that certain archival information is current. On top of that, my colleague is home with a dying parent so I've had to cover for him.
Needless to say, I've been busy and a little stressed. I had so much to do yesterday, I considered coming in early. I didn't, though, and ended up just working through the morning ... and before I knew it, I was finished! I couldn't believe that I was able to zip through so much work and actually end EARLY.
It's nice to see all of these little changes taking place. I don't look much different; honestly, I think I'll need to lose about 75 pounds or so before there's a noticeable difference. My walking isn't so great. But it's now easier for me to get off the couch or walk across a room, or even walk down the block. Considering the fact that I'm not too far off from being large enough to be bedridden, I think of any activity as progress.
I'm happy to be moving better, but I didn't expect my thinking to improve, as well. Who knows -- maybe when I lose enough weight, I'll be a genius...
Take yesterday at work, for example. We're going through a lot of changes at the moment because we're about to debut our new, improved Web site. This means that everyone has had to do a lot of annoying grunt work, such as making sure that certain archival information is current. On top of that, my colleague is home with a dying parent so I've had to cover for him.
Needless to say, I've been busy and a little stressed. I had so much to do yesterday, I considered coming in early. I didn't, though, and ended up just working through the morning ... and before I knew it, I was finished! I couldn't believe that I was able to zip through so much work and actually end EARLY.
It's nice to see all of these little changes taking place. I don't look much different; honestly, I think I'll need to lose about 75 pounds or so before there's a noticeable difference. My walking isn't so great. But it's now easier for me to get off the couch or walk across a room, or even walk down the block. Considering the fact that I'm not too far off from being large enough to be bedridden, I think of any activity as progress.
I'm happy to be moving better, but I didn't expect my thinking to improve, as well. Who knows -- maybe when I lose enough weight, I'll be a genius...
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Blasts From The Past
Karen and I decided to take tonight off. It's a good thing, too, because around 8:15 -- about the time we leave the gym -- a thunderstorm hit and it was pouring. I was grateful to be in my warm, dry apartment!
I did get in a little exercise since I carried home a heavy package full of craft fair supplies. I'm guessing it weighed about 10 pounds. Since I'm getting better at moving, I was able to carry it with few problems. I can now walk a lot more quickly and am having less back pain. Still, walking isn't easy. That's how far gone I was. When I started in the gym about a month ago, I could barely walk across the gym. Now I can do so, but walking for longer distances is an issue. Sometimes I want to slap myself for letting my fitness fall to the point where I'm a few steps above being bed ridden, but I have to celebrate the progress that I am making. That it'll probably take until May for me to walk normally is frustrating but well, I'll be in much better shape than I am now. And then I'll be able to surpass that and finally be in above-average shape.
As you know, I'm also trying to shape up my mental health. Forgiving myself and others in my life is a big thing. I think it'll take the longest to forgive my parents, but I'm trying to start with the people who don't mean so much to me. For years I've continued to be angry at people who are no longer even in my life -- past crushes who rejected me, friends who abandoned me, bullies who mocked me -- and well, what's the point? They don't care how I feel about them; chances are, they've forgotten me. Plus, it's silly to hold all of that in when it's in the past.
However, sometimes the past comes roaring back at you, especially when you use Facebook. It seems as if everyone from my life is on that site and throughout this week, I've come across pages for my ex-best friend and my ex-friend/almost boyfriend, who broke my heart.
It was very strange to see their names and profiles in front of me, but I went ahead and friended my ex-best friend ... and she hasn't friended me back. I'm not surprised, given that she was always ditching me to be with the cooler kids (in other words, she was hardly a "best" friend), but I'm kind of laughing because I've changed SO MUCH since high school. I don't think she has any idea that the shy, geeky, skinny girl of yore is now fat, outgoing and opinionated. As for the boy who broke my heart, I'm actually debating whether to friend him. Basically, I liked him as more than a friend, he was seeing someone and failed to tell me this ... and suddenly disappeared out of my life as if he'd died. I never got any closure on the situation and part of me has always wanted to have that conversation about why he lied to me. No, I wouldn't have that talk on FB, of all places, but I think I could get closure from him at least ackowledging my existence. That was the toughest part of losing him -- not that he was in love with someone else -- that he just cut me out without warning. I was young and naive. I'm not now. Maybe I'm just a masochist.
I'm confident enough, though, to know that I won't fall apart if I'm rejected by these people from my past. I've come so far, especially in the past year, and while it would be great to make amends, if they're not interested, well, they don't know what they're missing! Meanwhile, I have too much to look forward to to continue dwelling on the past. I still haven't quite let everything go, but I'm getting there, slowly but surely.
I did get in a little exercise since I carried home a heavy package full of craft fair supplies. I'm guessing it weighed about 10 pounds. Since I'm getting better at moving, I was able to carry it with few problems. I can now walk a lot more quickly and am having less back pain. Still, walking isn't easy. That's how far gone I was. When I started in the gym about a month ago, I could barely walk across the gym. Now I can do so, but walking for longer distances is an issue. Sometimes I want to slap myself for letting my fitness fall to the point where I'm a few steps above being bed ridden, but I have to celebrate the progress that I am making. That it'll probably take until May for me to walk normally is frustrating but well, I'll be in much better shape than I am now. And then I'll be able to surpass that and finally be in above-average shape.
As you know, I'm also trying to shape up my mental health. Forgiving myself and others in my life is a big thing. I think it'll take the longest to forgive my parents, but I'm trying to start with the people who don't mean so much to me. For years I've continued to be angry at people who are no longer even in my life -- past crushes who rejected me, friends who abandoned me, bullies who mocked me -- and well, what's the point? They don't care how I feel about them; chances are, they've forgotten me. Plus, it's silly to hold all of that in when it's in the past.
However, sometimes the past comes roaring back at you, especially when you use Facebook. It seems as if everyone from my life is on that site and throughout this week, I've come across pages for my ex-best friend and my ex-friend/almost boyfriend, who broke my heart.
It was very strange to see their names and profiles in front of me, but I went ahead and friended my ex-best friend ... and she hasn't friended me back. I'm not surprised, given that she was always ditching me to be with the cooler kids (in other words, she was hardly a "best" friend), but I'm kind of laughing because I've changed SO MUCH since high school. I don't think she has any idea that the shy, geeky, skinny girl of yore is now fat, outgoing and opinionated. As for the boy who broke my heart, I'm actually debating whether to friend him. Basically, I liked him as more than a friend, he was seeing someone and failed to tell me this ... and suddenly disappeared out of my life as if he'd died. I never got any closure on the situation and part of me has always wanted to have that conversation about why he lied to me. No, I wouldn't have that talk on FB, of all places, but I think I could get closure from him at least ackowledging my existence. That was the toughest part of losing him -- not that he was in love with someone else -- that he just cut me out without warning. I was young and naive. I'm not now. Maybe I'm just a masochist.
I'm confident enough, though, to know that I won't fall apart if I'm rejected by these people from my past. I've come so far, especially in the past year, and while it would be great to make amends, if they're not interested, well, they don't know what they're missing! Meanwhile, I have too much to look forward to to continue dwelling on the past. I still haven't quite let everything go, but I'm getting there, slowly but surely.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
If Only Oprah Could Really Help Me...
Apparently, I think about being fat even while I'm sleeping. The other night I dreamed that a theme park was being built in honor of DALLAS the TV show from the '80s. I went to the opening and Patrick Duffy was at the gate! But when I asked him for a dance, he told me, "I don't do fat chicks." I argued that I was married and just wanted to dance, but he stood firm ... and I was PISSED. As people entered the park, I told them about Patrick's attitude, but no one seemed to care. Then Oprah showed up -- and she was angry. She defended me and gave Patrick a heated talking-to. Then she and I stormed the park and enjoyed the rides, our sizes be damned.
I've never met either Oprah or Patrick Duffy, but I do know people who know Patrick and from all accounts, he's a nice guy. As silly as the dream is, though, I guess I still have some deep-down fears about being judged. While I'm pretty sure that Patrick would be polite to me in real life, there are plenty of assholes out there who really would tell me, "I don't do fat chicks."
The good news is, I'm becoming slightly less of a fat chick. Each time I go to the gym, I'm getting stronger. Tonight, I did 32 minutes (10 elliptical, 15 bike, 7 treadmill), but I pushed myself on each machine. I put the elliptical's crossramp up to 15 and dialed the resistance up to 3; on the treadmill, I topped out at an incline of 3.5 and speed of 2.4 mph; and on the bike, I managed to keep the machine going for 10 minutes this time -- and get this, I made it up to Level 2! Karen says that it looks as if I've lost some weight, especially in my legs. I think I look about the same, but I can definitely feel the difference when I walk.
Poor Karen really pushed herself and could barely move by the time we left. But we're both working hard. Even though we don't spend a lot of time together in the gym, it's nice having someone at the gym.
On the way out, a trainer stopped us (well, really me) and asked if I wanted to work with her. I turned her down, explaining that I wasn't ready for that just yet. I hope she doesn't bug us. That will be so annoying. I might want to work with a trainer later on down the line, but for now, I feel as if I'm able to push myself without injuring myself. I don't trust that a lot of trainers know how to deal with obese people and I don't want her to put me in positions where I'm on the floor or doing some other move that will hurt my back. I like the progress I'm making. I'm gaining strength, but not to the point where I'm burning out.
In other news, I got a nice surprise package today from one of the actors whom I'd interviewed. He sent a hug gift basket full of cookies, nuts, meats ... excactly what I DON'T need, but it was sweet. I ended up having a couple of items and then gave the rest away to my co-workers. I was proud of my restraint. Regardless, it felt really nice to be appreciated!
I'm anticipating a crazy day at work tomorrow, but feel like I can handle it, especially since I have another "gym date" in the afternoon. And who knows? Maybe Oprah will send me some surprise flowers...
I've never met either Oprah or Patrick Duffy, but I do know people who know Patrick and from all accounts, he's a nice guy. As silly as the dream is, though, I guess I still have some deep-down fears about being judged. While I'm pretty sure that Patrick would be polite to me in real life, there are plenty of assholes out there who really would tell me, "I don't do fat chicks."
The good news is, I'm becoming slightly less of a fat chick. Each time I go to the gym, I'm getting stronger. Tonight, I did 32 minutes (10 elliptical, 15 bike, 7 treadmill), but I pushed myself on each machine. I put the elliptical's crossramp up to 15 and dialed the resistance up to 3; on the treadmill, I topped out at an incline of 3.5 and speed of 2.4 mph; and on the bike, I managed to keep the machine going for 10 minutes this time -- and get this, I made it up to Level 2! Karen says that it looks as if I've lost some weight, especially in my legs. I think I look about the same, but I can definitely feel the difference when I walk.
Poor Karen really pushed herself and could barely move by the time we left. But we're both working hard. Even though we don't spend a lot of time together in the gym, it's nice having someone at the gym.
On the way out, a trainer stopped us (well, really me) and asked if I wanted to work with her. I turned her down, explaining that I wasn't ready for that just yet. I hope she doesn't bug us. That will be so annoying. I might want to work with a trainer later on down the line, but for now, I feel as if I'm able to push myself without injuring myself. I don't trust that a lot of trainers know how to deal with obese people and I don't want her to put me in positions where I'm on the floor or doing some other move that will hurt my back. I like the progress I'm making. I'm gaining strength, but not to the point where I'm burning out.
In other news, I got a nice surprise package today from one of the actors whom I'd interviewed. He sent a hug gift basket full of cookies, nuts, meats ... excactly what I DON'T need, but it was sweet. I ended up having a couple of items and then gave the rest away to my co-workers. I was proud of my restraint. Regardless, it felt really nice to be appreciated!
I'm anticipating a crazy day at work tomorrow, but feel like I can handle it, especially since I have another "gym date" in the afternoon. And who knows? Maybe Oprah will send me some surprise flowers...
Monday, March 21, 2011
Mrs. Thighs Vs. The Machine
Tonight, I was finally accepted into an exclusive club: the I can pedal quickly enough so that the bike registers me club! I managed to keep up the momentum for five minutes; I then began to get tired and the machine cut me off. Still, I managed to do 20 minutes on the bike overall, and am proud of my five minutes of "fast" pedaling.
I also did five minutes each on the full-body elliptical (that has arm pedals) and treadmill, so overall, I completed a 30-minute workout. Not quite as good as how I did on Friday, but I had a little fall that tripped me up. I went to get onto the elliptical and I guess the crossramp was up because the pedals were very high. I managed to get my left leg up onto the machine, but when I went to hook my right leg over, I slipped, fell off and hit my shin. Ouch! Sometimes being short really sucks.
At work today, I chatted with a colleague who's been going to physical therapy for a broken shoulder. I revealed that I've been going to the gym in an effort to get in shape for Greece and she looked very skeptical. I can't wait to tell her that I "beat" the bike tonight -- and I'll be sure to send her a postcard from Greece.
I also did five minutes each on the full-body elliptical (that has arm pedals) and treadmill, so overall, I completed a 30-minute workout. Not quite as good as how I did on Friday, but I had a little fall that tripped me up. I went to get onto the elliptical and I guess the crossramp was up because the pedals were very high. I managed to get my left leg up onto the machine, but when I went to hook my right leg over, I slipped, fell off and hit my shin. Ouch! Sometimes being short really sucks.
At work today, I chatted with a colleague who's been going to physical therapy for a broken shoulder. I revealed that I've been going to the gym in an effort to get in shape for Greece and she looked very skeptical. I can't wait to tell her that I "beat" the bike tonight -- and I'll be sure to send her a postcard from Greece.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Friday Night Light
I think my body was telling me something on Thursday when I fell asleep on the bus and missed my stop for the gym: I crashed that night. I mean, I was exhausted. For the first time in weeks, I slept through the night.
Instead, I went to the gym yesterday. Yes, I spent my Friday night working out. Karen was getting over a cold, but she accompanied me so she could serve as my trainer/cheerleader.
When I first arrived, I wasn't really in the mood to exercise. I mean, it was Friday and there were a million other places I wanted to be: the movies, out with friends, outside since it was such a gorgeous day. But as soon as I stepped onto the elliptical and got going, I felt energized and was determined to have a good workout. I did -- my best yet. I did 10 minutes on the elliptical, alternating between a crossramp of 10 and 13. I then did 15 on the bike, and though the stupid thing still won't register me as going fast enough, I could sense a difference. Yes, I pedal slowly, but there's a lot less lag on my left leg (say that ten times fast...). Even Karen noticed and was like, "Look how much better you're moving than a couple of weeks ago." After, I did the treadmill and completed my goal of doing 7 minutes, at an incline of 3, maxing out at 2.2 mph. So overall, I did 32 minutes and really pushed myself throughout!
Once I was finished, we decided to go to one of our favorite neighborhood joints, Tu Casa. I was too lazy to change back into my work clothes (gross, I know, but deal), so Karen helped me out by spraying her Kim Kardashian perfume on me. So we arrived at the place with me smelling like sweat and skank, but happily, they had an outdoor table available. I ordered roasted chicken with rice and treated myself to a glass of mango juice. A live band was playing salsa music and it felt really good to be outside, eating healthy food after a decent workout.
Today I'm feeling the effects of it as I'm kind of stiff and sore, but I'm determined to get outside. Jon and I just made plans to see a movie this evening, so I'll get a little walking in later. Meantime, I've been using the Weight Watchers food journal so I can keep better track of my portions.
Karen and I then have more "gym dates" scheduled for next Mon-Wed. I'm going to stay where I am for a while, between 30-35 minutes, but I hope to soon be on my way to a 40-minute workout.
Instead, I went to the gym yesterday. Yes, I spent my Friday night working out. Karen was getting over a cold, but she accompanied me so she could serve as my trainer/cheerleader.
When I first arrived, I wasn't really in the mood to exercise. I mean, it was Friday and there were a million other places I wanted to be: the movies, out with friends, outside since it was such a gorgeous day. But as soon as I stepped onto the elliptical and got going, I felt energized and was determined to have a good workout. I did -- my best yet. I did 10 minutes on the elliptical, alternating between a crossramp of 10 and 13. I then did 15 on the bike, and though the stupid thing still won't register me as going fast enough, I could sense a difference. Yes, I pedal slowly, but there's a lot less lag on my left leg (say that ten times fast...). Even Karen noticed and was like, "Look how much better you're moving than a couple of weeks ago." After, I did the treadmill and completed my goal of doing 7 minutes, at an incline of 3, maxing out at 2.2 mph. So overall, I did 32 minutes and really pushed myself throughout!
Once I was finished, we decided to go to one of our favorite neighborhood joints, Tu Casa. I was too lazy to change back into my work clothes (gross, I know, but deal), so Karen helped me out by spraying her Kim Kardashian perfume on me. So we arrived at the place with me smelling like sweat and skank, but happily, they had an outdoor table available. I ordered roasted chicken with rice and treated myself to a glass of mango juice. A live band was playing salsa music and it felt really good to be outside, eating healthy food after a decent workout.
Today I'm feeling the effects of it as I'm kind of stiff and sore, but I'm determined to get outside. Jon and I just made plans to see a movie this evening, so I'll get a little walking in later. Meantime, I've been using the Weight Watchers food journal so I can keep better track of my portions.
Karen and I then have more "gym dates" scheduled for next Mon-Wed. I'm going to stay where I am for a while, between 30-35 minutes, but I hope to soon be on my way to a 40-minute workout.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Good Intentions...
I had my gym bag packed. I even remembered my water bottle ... and I ended up falling asleep on the bus and missing my stop. Sigh. The good news is, there's always tomorrow and I can still accomplish my goal to do seven minutes on the treadmill. I'm also not using this as an excuse to be like, "Oh, well, I messed up, I'll eat whatever." I'm still having a veggie omelet with water for dinner.
This sleeping issue is getting to be a real problem. I slept not so badly last night, but woke up around 3 a.m. and then took about 30 minutes to fall back asleep. Since I hardly sleep well, anyway, I was tired as usual. If I could sleep better, I could do more -- like have a more vigorous workout. Then I'd sleep better from working out. It's a positive cycle that I can't seem to get myself onto. But I'm sick of feeling tired and falling asleep on the bus. Sometimes I wish I work from home so I won't have to worry about waking up at a certain time. My dad and grandma have insomnia, too. Thanks for the bad genes, guys.
I've made a decision to go back to Weight Watchers or find some other kind of food journal. I've been eating healthy foods, but I think I need to be more accountable for how MUCH I'm eating. If anyone knows of a good site with food journals, let me know. I'm not thrilled with WW's revamped Points system, but a site that counts calories will work just as well.
This sleeping issue is getting to be a real problem. I slept not so badly last night, but woke up around 3 a.m. and then took about 30 minutes to fall back asleep. Since I hardly sleep well, anyway, I was tired as usual. If I could sleep better, I could do more -- like have a more vigorous workout. Then I'd sleep better from working out. It's a positive cycle that I can't seem to get myself onto. But I'm sick of feeling tired and falling asleep on the bus. Sometimes I wish I work from home so I won't have to worry about waking up at a certain time. My dad and grandma have insomnia, too. Thanks for the bad genes, guys.
I've made a decision to go back to Weight Watchers or find some other kind of food journal. I've been eating healthy foods, but I think I need to be more accountable for how MUCH I'm eating. If anyone knows of a good site with food journals, let me know. I'm not thrilled with WW's revamped Points system, but a site that counts calories will work just as well.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Setting New Goals
Whew! After doing 30 minutes of cardio at the gym, my ankle is pretty sore today. So I took tonight off and figured I'd use this time to plan my workout for tomorrow.
I've been doing pretty well on the elliptical and bike, but I'd like to improve on the treadmill. That said, I'd like to aim for doing seven minutes on it, maxing out at an incline of 3 and a speed of 2.2 mph. If I can maintain this for two minutes, I'll be really happy. No, seven minutes isn't much, but I'm trying to be careful. I feel like going slowly is working for me and I want to continue to progress. For me, a 2.2. mph walk is practically a jog!
I like having a goal for my workouts because it gives me something to be excited about and focused on. I still haven't been sleeping well, which is very annoying. I'd eventually like to do a short BowFlex workout in the mornings, but right now, I'm trying to get all the sleep I can.
In other news, my eating has been going well and I have a lot to look forward to this spring. Things might not be the best with my folks at the moment, but the rest is good. Working out is only making them better.
I've been doing pretty well on the elliptical and bike, but I'd like to improve on the treadmill. That said, I'd like to aim for doing seven minutes on it, maxing out at an incline of 3 and a speed of 2.2 mph. If I can maintain this for two minutes, I'll be really happy. No, seven minutes isn't much, but I'm trying to be careful. I feel like going slowly is working for me and I want to continue to progress. For me, a 2.2. mph walk is practically a jog!
I like having a goal for my workouts because it gives me something to be excited about and focused on. I still haven't been sleeping well, which is very annoying. I'd eventually like to do a short BowFlex workout in the mornings, but right now, I'm trying to get all the sleep I can.
In other news, my eating has been going well and I have a lot to look forward to this spring. Things might not be the best with my folks at the moment, but the rest is good. Working out is only making them better.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
On My Own
Karen had a work function tonight so for the first time in a long time, I went to the gym on my own. It was fine. No one looked at me or said anything to me, or bothered me in any way.
I completed my goal of 30 minutes and am proud of my work. I ended up doing 10 on the elliptical, 15 on the bike and 5 on the treadmill. On the elliptical and bike, I tried to challenge myself. I kept raising the crossramp on the elliptical and managed to do Level 13; on the bike, I managed to walk at 2 mph, with an incline of 2.5. Though I have a lot of work to do, I've definitely improved from last week. Hopefully, I'll continue to see results each week and will be in nice shape for our trip. If I keep pushing myself -- gradually -- I'll get there.
The hardest part of my workout is still having to climb those damn stairs at the end. It's just that when I'm finished exercising, I want to collapse; I don't want to climb a huge staircase. But I figure that this is getting me into shape, as well, so it's all good...
I completed my goal of 30 minutes and am proud of my work. I ended up doing 10 on the elliptical, 15 on the bike and 5 on the treadmill. On the elliptical and bike, I tried to challenge myself. I kept raising the crossramp on the elliptical and managed to do Level 13; on the bike, I managed to walk at 2 mph, with an incline of 2.5. Though I have a lot of work to do, I've definitely improved from last week. Hopefully, I'll continue to see results each week and will be in nice shape for our trip. If I keep pushing myself -- gradually -- I'll get there.
The hardest part of my workout is still having to climb those damn stairs at the end. It's just that when I'm finished exercising, I want to collapse; I don't want to climb a huge staircase. But I figure that this is getting me into shape, as well, so it's all good...
Monday, March 14, 2011
Dealing With My Feelings
I'm really proud of the way I handled food this weekend. I've been overeating on my days off, especially at breakfast, so I cut out my bagel and instead had a bowl of cereal (that came in a portioned container) with skim milk and a banana. Then Jon made a vegetable tagine so I had that with couscous and homemade butternut squash soup. The only thing I didn't do so well was I had too much cheese, but next time, I'll think ahead and get pre-cut string cheese snacks.
Tonight I went to therapy and then tomorrow, it's back to the gym. My counselor and I, of course, discussed my argument with my dad last night. I've realized that the reason why I get so upset when my parents try to discuss my weight is because it takes me back to a point in time when I felt as if I were disappointing them. Back in college, they'd sit me down and lecture me, telling me all the things I'd lose if I were fat. I know they meant well -- I know they MEAN well -- but those lectures left me feeling horrible. I wasn't just fat; I was a failure. I hate that and don't want to go back there -- and whenever they bring it up, it takes me right back to that awful place. Most of the time I'm okay with myself, which is a huge victory for me and I dislike that sense that I'm regressing to a negative version of myself. I imagine that to most of you reading this blog that my reaction to my dad seemed rather extreme. This is the best that I can do to explain it.
The good news is, I didn't use being upset as an excuse to binge. My counselor pointed that out and said that I should be proud of that -- and so I am. I'm trying to find more things to be proud of. I've spent most of my life putting myself down and I'd like to finally free myself of that habit.
This is why I'm glad to get back to the gym tomorrow. Working out makes me stronger, mentally and physically. My goal for tomorrow is modest: a 30 minute workout on a variety of machines. Ideally, I'll do 10 on the elliptical, 10 treadmill, 10 bike, but it'll really depend on which machines are available. That's the beauty of belonging to a gym, though; you can mix and match.
Off to enjoy a slice of veggie pizza...
Tonight I went to therapy and then tomorrow, it's back to the gym. My counselor and I, of course, discussed my argument with my dad last night. I've realized that the reason why I get so upset when my parents try to discuss my weight is because it takes me back to a point in time when I felt as if I were disappointing them. Back in college, they'd sit me down and lecture me, telling me all the things I'd lose if I were fat. I know they meant well -- I know they MEAN well -- but those lectures left me feeling horrible. I wasn't just fat; I was a failure. I hate that and don't want to go back there -- and whenever they bring it up, it takes me right back to that awful place. Most of the time I'm okay with myself, which is a huge victory for me and I dislike that sense that I'm regressing to a negative version of myself. I imagine that to most of you reading this blog that my reaction to my dad seemed rather extreme. This is the best that I can do to explain it.
The good news is, I didn't use being upset as an excuse to binge. My counselor pointed that out and said that I should be proud of that -- and so I am. I'm trying to find more things to be proud of. I've spent most of my life putting myself down and I'd like to finally free myself of that habit.
This is why I'm glad to get back to the gym tomorrow. Working out makes me stronger, mentally and physically. My goal for tomorrow is modest: a 30 minute workout on a variety of machines. Ideally, I'll do 10 on the elliptical, 10 treadmill, 10 bike, but it'll really depend on which machines are available. That's the beauty of belonging to a gym, though; you can mix and match.
Off to enjoy a slice of veggie pizza...
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Family Matters
I had another argument this evening with my dad. My mom's been bugging me to see an endocrinologist and now my dad is getting in on the act. His uncle recently died and almost had to have a leg amputated, so now he's afraid that I'm going to become diabetic and have to have my leg cut off.
I worry about these things, too, and do plan to see a doctor ... eventually. But I'd like to lose some weight first. I guess it's hard to understand where I'm coming from if you're not obese or have never had to deal with a doctor discussing your weight. I hate it. I hate getting the patronizing talk about how I need to lose weight now and it can cause all kinds of health problems. The thing is, I KNOW all of this and can probably write a book on it. For me, going to the doctor and having them get all judgy about my weight is just as bad as getting a bad diagnosis. I know in my head that this is ridiculous, but I hate being treated like a non-person. When I was a chubby kid, my doctor gave me my first weight-related lecture. This was in front of my mom and it was so embarrassing. I ended up starving myself after that. Then there were the lectures I received last year when I was seeing doctors for my broken leg. I was already stressed and just didn't need it -- not then. Doctors seem to assume that if you're overweight, you don't know how to lose weight and that you're stupid. There's a way they speak to you that's so condescending and self-righteous. I'm not stupid. I guess I'm acting kind of stupid by avoiding the doctor, but I can't stand being judged and criticized. It wouldn't bother me so much if we could discuss my weight as a clincal thing, with no judgements made, but doctors are human and they're going to make them.
Anyway, seeing a doctor is on my to-do list for this year, but I need to feel comfortable before I do it. And I don't want my parents involved. My father's argument is that they're my parents and they're going to worry, and he says that they don't bug me about it too much. My thing is I blame them for me having such low self-esteem about my body and other things, and feel like my weight has put a strain on our relationship. This is why I don't want them discussing this particular topic with me. It's partially their fault that I'm so fucked up and have had a lifetime of eating disorders and fears of the doctor, and everything else. I don't blame them for me being fat -- I'm the one who spent all these years eating what I've been eating -- but I do blame them for making me feel like crap, and my appearance has been a big part of that.
Oh, well. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to think more rationally and will feel more confident about taking care of myself. But right now I just want to crawl into a hole and not worry about my health or anything else.
I worry about these things, too, and do plan to see a doctor ... eventually. But I'd like to lose some weight first. I guess it's hard to understand where I'm coming from if you're not obese or have never had to deal with a doctor discussing your weight. I hate it. I hate getting the patronizing talk about how I need to lose weight now and it can cause all kinds of health problems. The thing is, I KNOW all of this and can probably write a book on it. For me, going to the doctor and having them get all judgy about my weight is just as bad as getting a bad diagnosis. I know in my head that this is ridiculous, but I hate being treated like a non-person. When I was a chubby kid, my doctor gave me my first weight-related lecture. This was in front of my mom and it was so embarrassing. I ended up starving myself after that. Then there were the lectures I received last year when I was seeing doctors for my broken leg. I was already stressed and just didn't need it -- not then. Doctors seem to assume that if you're overweight, you don't know how to lose weight and that you're stupid. There's a way they speak to you that's so condescending and self-righteous. I'm not stupid. I guess I'm acting kind of stupid by avoiding the doctor, but I can't stand being judged and criticized. It wouldn't bother me so much if we could discuss my weight as a clincal thing, with no judgements made, but doctors are human and they're going to make them.
Anyway, seeing a doctor is on my to-do list for this year, but I need to feel comfortable before I do it. And I don't want my parents involved. My father's argument is that they're my parents and they're going to worry, and he says that they don't bug me about it too much. My thing is I blame them for me having such low self-esteem about my body and other things, and feel like my weight has put a strain on our relationship. This is why I don't want them discussing this particular topic with me. It's partially their fault that I'm so fucked up and have had a lifetime of eating disorders and fears of the doctor, and everything else. I don't blame them for me being fat -- I'm the one who spent all these years eating what I've been eating -- but I do blame them for making me feel like crap, and my appearance has been a big part of that.
Oh, well. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to think more rationally and will feel more confident about taking care of myself. But right now I just want to crawl into a hole and not worry about my health or anything else.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Run For Your Life
I was horrified this morning when I heard the news about the Japanese earthquake and saw all of the awful footage. My heart goes out to all of those dealing with this disaster, as well as the recent victims of the Christchuch quake in NZ. I don't know what the hell is going on in our world that we're experiencing so many disasters lately, but I wish it would stop. Meantime, I hope that as many survivors are rescued as possible.
I feel like a horrible person for thinking about myself when bigger things are going on, but today, I couldn't help but wonder how my weight would affect me if New York City were, God forbid, struck by another disaster. I've dealt with two in the past 10 years -- 9/11, of course, and then the Blackout of 2003. In both cases, being in shape helped.
I was very, very fortunate in that I didn't lose any loved ones on 9/11; I still say a little prayer for the victims each year, even 10 years later because it'll never seem real. But many others were affected in that area. People had to run from the collapsing buildings and then because the subways were out for several hours, many ended up walking home. Again, I was lucky because I stayed at a friend's place until the subways were up and running again. But I saw the hoardes of people crossing the bridge.
I don't know if the Blackout really counts as a disaster -- it was more of an inconvenience for most. But that night, I walked 10 miles to get home. I wasn't in the best shape of my life, but I was fit enough that I could do it. If this happened again, honestly, I couldn't handle it. I'd have to stay in my office until the power returned.
That wouldn't be the end of the world, but what would happen if we were hit by an earthquake or tsunami, or endured another terrorist attack? I can't run, I can't climb stairs well, I can't even stand or walk for long periods of time ... I'd probably be screwed. Even on a smaller scale, like if I were robbed, my weight would hinder me. It scares me a bit to know that I'm this vulnerable.
I've made enough of this post about me so let me end it by encouraging anyone who reads this to donate to organizations who can help those in need over in Japan or NZ. And please take care of yourselves.
I feel like a horrible person for thinking about myself when bigger things are going on, but today, I couldn't help but wonder how my weight would affect me if New York City were, God forbid, struck by another disaster. I've dealt with two in the past 10 years -- 9/11, of course, and then the Blackout of 2003. In both cases, being in shape helped.
I was very, very fortunate in that I didn't lose any loved ones on 9/11; I still say a little prayer for the victims each year, even 10 years later because it'll never seem real. But many others were affected in that area. People had to run from the collapsing buildings and then because the subways were out for several hours, many ended up walking home. Again, I was lucky because I stayed at a friend's place until the subways were up and running again. But I saw the hoardes of people crossing the bridge.
I don't know if the Blackout really counts as a disaster -- it was more of an inconvenience for most. But that night, I walked 10 miles to get home. I wasn't in the best shape of my life, but I was fit enough that I could do it. If this happened again, honestly, I couldn't handle it. I'd have to stay in my office until the power returned.
That wouldn't be the end of the world, but what would happen if we were hit by an earthquake or tsunami, or endured another terrorist attack? I can't run, I can't climb stairs well, I can't even stand or walk for long periods of time ... I'd probably be screwed. Even on a smaller scale, like if I were robbed, my weight would hinder me. It scares me a bit to know that I'm this vulnerable.
I've made enough of this post about me so let me end it by encouraging anyone who reads this to donate to organizations who can help those in need over in Japan or NZ. And please take care of yourselves.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Does This Fat Make My Ass Look Big?
Perhaps I'm wrong, but I don't think that men obsess over their bodies the same way that women do. Sure, many wish they were thinner or had more muscles, but the guys I know don't stare at themselves and dissect every body part either.
Today, while Karen and I were at the gym, we made the mistake of turning to look at ourselves in the mirror while we were on the ellipticals. Given that we were both a) wearing gym clothes and were sweaty and b) positioned at an unflattering angle, this was a really dumb idea. Needless to say, we both began to complain about how big our asses are (for the record, hers is just fine).
"I feel sorry for the person working out behind me," she sighed.
"Don't worry, they're probably too busy staring at me," I said.
The truth is, I don't think anyone cared about us at all because they were too busy working out themselves. Still, I took a look around to check out everyone else's asses (yeah, I'm like that). And they, not so surprisingly, came in all shapes and sizes. In fact, there were a lot of overweight people there, so my ass really wasn't all that special!
Later, I worked out on the bike. I still can't pedal quickly enough for it to register me, but I stayed on for 15 minutes, which is an accomplishment in itself. I like the bike because it's in the center of the gym, so I can people-watch as I exercise. Some people do very strange stuff. There was this teeny, tiny, itty-bitty slip of a woman who looked as if she could be a gymnast. She literally pulled one leg up behind her head and then held that pose for about a minute. She then did a handstand and stayed that way for a while. I was sort of intrigued by her unusual routine, but the jealous part of me hated her for being so thin and obviously fit.
Then there was a man who'd do one curl on the weight machine, get up walk around for five minutes, go back and do another curl, and so on. Is there a point? I know you have to wait between sets, but this seemed to be taking this to extremes.
Regardless, I've had a successful two weeks at the gym and can already feel some slight differences in the way I move. Karen even commented that it looked as if I were having fewer problems getting up the stairs.
I'm not nearly ready for Greece, but I am getting there one step at a time -- literally. My fat ass is moving more than it has in a long time.
Today, while Karen and I were at the gym, we made the mistake of turning to look at ourselves in the mirror while we were on the ellipticals. Given that we were both a) wearing gym clothes and were sweaty and b) positioned at an unflattering angle, this was a really dumb idea. Needless to say, we both began to complain about how big our asses are (for the record, hers is just fine).
"I feel sorry for the person working out behind me," she sighed.
"Don't worry, they're probably too busy staring at me," I said.
The truth is, I don't think anyone cared about us at all because they were too busy working out themselves. Still, I took a look around to check out everyone else's asses (yeah, I'm like that). And they, not so surprisingly, came in all shapes and sizes. In fact, there were a lot of overweight people there, so my ass really wasn't all that special!
Later, I worked out on the bike. I still can't pedal quickly enough for it to register me, but I stayed on for 15 minutes, which is an accomplishment in itself. I like the bike because it's in the center of the gym, so I can people-watch as I exercise. Some people do very strange stuff. There was this teeny, tiny, itty-bitty slip of a woman who looked as if she could be a gymnast. She literally pulled one leg up behind her head and then held that pose for about a minute. She then did a handstand and stayed that way for a while. I was sort of intrigued by her unusual routine, but the jealous part of me hated her for being so thin and obviously fit.
Then there was a man who'd do one curl on the weight machine, get up walk around for five minutes, go back and do another curl, and so on. Is there a point? I know you have to wait between sets, but this seemed to be taking this to extremes.
Regardless, I've had a successful two weeks at the gym and can already feel some slight differences in the way I move. Karen even commented that it looked as if I were having fewer problems getting up the stairs.
I'm not nearly ready for Greece, but I am getting there one step at a time -- literally. My fat ass is moving more than it has in a long time.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Can You Kick A Cardio Machine In The Nads?
When it comes to working out, I'm definitely a "tortoise" at the moment. I apparently move so slowly that the cardio machines literally won't register me being on them. When I went on the elliptical this evening -- a different kind than the one I was on yesterday as this one also worked out your arms -- I pedaled as quickly as I could, but the program kept going to "pause." I was moving so slowly that it thought I was stopping! The nice man next to me tried to fix the machine, but I explained that it was me, and not the elliptical. I then told him all about my leg and my surgery and he stepped away. I don't know whether he was actually finished with his workout or if I'd scared him off with my blathering.
Next, I went on the bike and the same thing happened: I couldn't pedal quickly enough for it to register. Don't get me wrong, I was pushing myself -- and sweating like a pig to prove it -- but it wasn't good enough for El Biko. I just couldn't get my left leg to pedal at whatever speed the machine wanted. I wonder if the machine would register my workout if I gave it a hard kick? Do machines have nads?
Annoying machines aside, I'm glad that I joined the gym. Besides this gives me a new, immediate goal: to be in good enough shape so that I "count" with these fucking machines. I'll get there -- and then I will kick the cardio monsters' asses.
Next, I went on the bike and the same thing happened: I couldn't pedal quickly enough for it to register. Don't get me wrong, I was pushing myself -- and sweating like a pig to prove it -- but it wasn't good enough for El Biko. I just couldn't get my left leg to pedal at whatever speed the machine wanted. I wonder if the machine would register my workout if I gave it a hard kick? Do machines have nads?
Annoying machines aside, I'm glad that I joined the gym. Besides this gives me a new, immediate goal: to be in good enough shape so that I "count" with these fucking machines. I'll get there -- and then I will kick the cardio monsters' asses.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Moving Right Along
I returned to th gym tonight and you know what? I felt just a smidge more fit. I went for 15 minutes on the elliptical, then did five on the tread. But my back hurt slightly less and I wasn't breathing quite as hard as I was last Tuesday. The difference was very subtle, but I could feel it.
I still wish I had more energy. I slept all day yesterday, and that's not even an exaggeration. I mean, I slept on and off until 5 p.m.! I think I might have had a bug, but still, that's a lot of time wasted. And I keep falling asleep on the bus, both ways in my commute. What's really annoying is that whenever I fall asleep there, I keep waking myself with this weird snoring noise that I seem to make, "Uuuuuuuhhhhhh." I don't think I make it at night, but I can hear myself doing it here and I feel as if everyone is looking at me.
I hope that as I continue to work out, I'll lose more weight, be able to walk better, sleep better and have more energy. I feel that by moving for just 20 minutes a day, I'm taking my life back into my hands.
I still wish I had more energy. I slept all day yesterday, and that's not even an exaggeration. I mean, I slept on and off until 5 p.m.! I think I might have had a bug, but still, that's a lot of time wasted. And I keep falling asleep on the bus, both ways in my commute. What's really annoying is that whenever I fall asleep there, I keep waking myself with this weird snoring noise that I seem to make, "Uuuuuuuhhhhhh." I don't think I make it at night, but I can hear myself doing it here and I feel as if everyone is looking at me.
I hope that as I continue to work out, I'll lose more weight, be able to walk better, sleep better and have more energy. I feel that by moving for just 20 minutes a day, I'm taking my life back into my hands.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
It Has To Get Easier, Right?
Karen and I returned to the gym today, where we both kicked ass. We did 10 minutes on the elliptical and then I did five minutes on the treadmill, while she jogged. I went reallllly slowly at 1.1 MPH and my back was killing me, but I stuck it out.
We've made plans to go next Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. My goal is to do 15 minutes on the elliptical and 10 on the treadmill. After that, I'll concentrate more on upping the incline and speed on both machines.
When I was finishd working out today, my face was bright red; actually, no, make that purple. And this was after just 15 minutes! I felt fine, save for being sweaty and a little sore, but I'm sure I looked kind of scary with my neon pink shirt and purple face.
One thing I don't like about the gym is that the machines aren't really designed for short, fat people. Getting off the elliptical was a bit tricky and I almost pulled a muscle in my leg. And when I tried to use one of the bikes, I just couldn't get comfortable; I was either too cramped or my legs were too far from the pedals. I hope that as I lose more weight, my increased agility will make up for my lack of height.
The other thing I don't like is that the gym is in a basement, so we have to walk up about 50 stairs to leave. It sucks when you're already exhausted and then have this extra haul. By I suspect that I'll eventually come to appreciate the steps as they provide an extra little workout.
They say it takes about six weeks for something to become a habit. Going to the gym is not yet one for me -- I still have to force myself to haul ass over there -- but I look forward to reaching that point that I've reached in the past where I actually WANT to work out and it's not a chore.
We've made plans to go next Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. My goal is to do 15 minutes on the elliptical and 10 on the treadmill. After that, I'll concentrate more on upping the incline and speed on both machines.
When I was finishd working out today, my face was bright red; actually, no, make that purple. And this was after just 15 minutes! I felt fine, save for being sweaty and a little sore, but I'm sure I looked kind of scary with my neon pink shirt and purple face.
One thing I don't like about the gym is that the machines aren't really designed for short, fat people. Getting off the elliptical was a bit tricky and I almost pulled a muscle in my leg. And when I tried to use one of the bikes, I just couldn't get comfortable; I was either too cramped or my legs were too far from the pedals. I hope that as I lose more weight, my increased agility will make up for my lack of height.
The other thing I don't like is that the gym is in a basement, so we have to walk up about 50 stairs to leave. It sucks when you're already exhausted and then have this extra haul. By I suspect that I'll eventually come to appreciate the steps as they provide an extra little workout.
They say it takes about six weeks for something to become a habit. Going to the gym is not yet one for me -- I still have to force myself to haul ass over there -- but I look forward to reaching that point that I've reached in the past where I actually WANT to work out and it's not a chore.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Gym Date And Spinach Juice
Last night, I returned to the gym. I think it went pretty well, considering what terrible shape I'm in. I did 10 minutes on the bike and then 5 on the elliptical. Once upon a time, I could do 90 minutes on the elliptical, but I'll get there slowly, but surely.
The biggest thing I had to deal with were my nerves. It's always tough for me to start something new, especially when it's something that deals with my body. Thankfully, Karen was there so I didn't have to go it alone. When we entered, this woman by the front desk gave me the once over and a strange look, but I ignored her and went on in. After, I felt a little self conscious because I was wearing a bright pink shirt (talk about standing out!), but no one else looked at me or said anything. Besides, Karen assured me that if anyone did, she'd kick his or her ass. It's nice to have such a devoted body guard! We're planning to return to Bally's tomorrow, so my goal is to do 15 minutes on the bike and 10 on the elliptical. That's almost a normal workout.
I'm also continuing my quest to eat more fruits and veggies, so today I tried something new: a juice and spinach mix made with freshly-squeezed apple and orange juice with greens mixed in. It sounded a little odd, but I know a lot of people swear by having greens mixed into their smoothies. It wasn't bad. A little weird, but decent. You'd get the tartness of the fruit juices ... and then an aftertaste of well, salad. I'd try it again, though, especially since it's an easy way to get in some green veggies.
Since I'm doing these things, I'm feeling a little more confident about Greece. If I keep increasing my times on the machines and eating well, I should be able to climb those hills in Santorini. I don't even care how I look for the trip; I just want to have a good time.
The biggest thing I had to deal with were my nerves. It's always tough for me to start something new, especially when it's something that deals with my body. Thankfully, Karen was there so I didn't have to go it alone. When we entered, this woman by the front desk gave me the once over and a strange look, but I ignored her and went on in. After, I felt a little self conscious because I was wearing a bright pink shirt (talk about standing out!), but no one else looked at me or said anything. Besides, Karen assured me that if anyone did, she'd kick his or her ass. It's nice to have such a devoted body guard! We're planning to return to Bally's tomorrow, so my goal is to do 15 minutes on the bike and 10 on the elliptical. That's almost a normal workout.
I'm also continuing my quest to eat more fruits and veggies, so today I tried something new: a juice and spinach mix made with freshly-squeezed apple and orange juice with greens mixed in. It sounded a little odd, but I know a lot of people swear by having greens mixed into their smoothies. It wasn't bad. A little weird, but decent. You'd get the tartness of the fruit juices ... and then an aftertaste of well, salad. I'd try it again, though, especially since it's an easy way to get in some green veggies.
Since I'm doing these things, I'm feeling a little more confident about Greece. If I keep increasing my times on the machines and eating well, I should be able to climb those hills in Santorini. I don't even care how I look for the trip; I just want to have a good time.
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